AIBU to miss my best friend?
BaguetteMaid · 01/08/2015 17:04
A few Christmases ago my old best friend from school totally dropped me.
In fact it was Christmas Eve when she sent me some very hurtful texts. I was rushing around in the supermarket buying last minute bits and almost broke down in tears there and then. She was upset with me because I hasn't replied to her text that she'd sent a couple of hours ago about her breaking up with her boyfriend. To give you a bit of background she was very on/off with the boyfriend - they were together for around two years and in that time has broken up at least a dozen times. I have to admit I read the text whilst out and thought I'd call her when I got home. But she followed up to her original message saying how dreadful I was, and also saying she didn't want to be my maid of honour for my wedding.
Needless to say I was very hurt- I tried calling her- she wouldn't answer my calls. She blocked me on Facebook too. I emailed her to apologise for not getting in touch with her sooner and she sent me awful emails back.
I gave her some time and tried to reach her again after Christmas as I was starting to organise my hen do. Heard nothing. I was worried about her as I knew she was on antidepressants so contacted a mutual friend on Facebook who said our friend was fine etc.
My best friend then again sent me vile messages on Facebook. I was so shocked as before these incidents we had never had a bad word.
Im torn in my emotions as I feel angry and upset at her but equally I miss her. I'm sad she missed out on our wedding, my pregnancy, and won't know my DD. It all just feels surreal.
I've noticed on fb she didn't attend our mutual friends wedding so wondered if they've become estranged...not sure if I should contact mutual friend...
AIBU to feel emotionally torn? Should I just move on? I have lots of other good mates but I've known her since I was eleven
hesterton · 01/08/2015 17:06
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
sonjadog · 01/08/2015 17:08
Do you think she is cutting herself off from all her friends? That could be a sign of the depression. As could the unreasonable response she sent you when you didn't respond to her message immediately.
If you miss her, maybe send a message saying that and that you would like contact if she should feel like it? Then leave it up to her. Don't chase. Be prepared to be ignored or get an abusive message back. But let her know the door is open if she should want contact again later.
upthedamnwotsit · 01/08/2015 17:17
It's a shame, OP. She sounds like she has a very black-and-white view of people, to go straight from "You are my best friend" to insults, negative declarations and cutting you out, then being horrible to you whenever you reach out to her. It's such an extreme reaction. Has she ever been like this with anyone else?
BaguetteMaid · 01/08/2015 17:22
Upthedamn I'm thinking she may have cut off our mutual friend as she was very close with her and didn't appear to attend her recent hen/wedding (going by the fb pics)
Her sister died when she was seventeen and she cut her self off from everyone then for years. I don't think she's ever fully recovered (I guess you never truly do from those kinds of things)
I just keep thinking back to that Christmas- I wish I had called her straightaway after she had texted me.
Moojay · 01/08/2015 17:32
I was in a very similar situation a few years ago, best friend from school and onwards, had a petty falling out over pretty much the same as you've described , although not at Xmas.
She become rather difficult to get along with, abuse texts etc.
I cut all contact after a few abusive messages and snidey comments.
Ultimately she missed my wedding, divorce and meeting new partner and birth of first child.
She then rang me randomly years later, apologized and explained she had a lot of shit going on and felt resentful of what seemed to her to be my perfect life.
Friendship reignited but I had to cut contact a year or so after again because it had turned somewhat toxic for us both.
I missed her then, and sometimes do miss her now. I definitely think you need to leave her to come to you, and move forward how think is best if/when she does.
elbowsdontsing2 · 01/08/2015 17:40
it really annoys me when people get arsy if you dont answear texts straight away, ffs you could be driving, have visitors be on the sodding toilet.
sorry about the rant , i think shes jealous as well, move on with your life you sound too nice to have people like her bringing you down
BaguetteMaid · 01/08/2015 17:43
Thanks Moojay, I think she's the type who'll never get back in touch- that's my only worry. I found her on fb years ago when she went AWOL and made the first contact etc. I was always the one trying to instigate nights out too and she had this awful habit of cancelling last minute. Literally last minute sometimes.
I guess I need to remember the good and bad memories of her from the past.. What upsets me most is at this rate she'll never meet my daughter and she loved kids.
PurpleSwift · 01/08/2015 17:44
There's a difference between withdrawing from your friends due to depression and just being down right spiteful repeatedly sending vile messages. I wouldn't be getting in touch personally but Yanbu to miss her, or more specifically, miss the friend you thought she was.
Tootsiepops · 01/08/2015 17:55
My best friend of 19 years dropped me about a decade ago after a minor falling out. I was heartbroken and not an understatement to say I was devastated. I tried to re-establish contact a few times but eventually gave up. I still feel sad and angry about it to this day. She was like a sister to me growing up.
So for you OP. I know what you're going through and how hard it is.
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 01/08/2015 18:16
I think your well shut of her to be honest. The world does not just jump to attention when she splits with her BF. Harsh but true. How did she know you had your phone on you to text her back straight away. When I'm out shopping my phone just gets thrown in the bottom of my bag.
Also it was Christmas. I would imagine like us all. You had other things on your mind than her relationship.
She must have had a problem with you to begin with to fall out with you over a text message. I think she was looking for any excuse TBH.
Moojay · 01/08/2015 18:28
Totally understand what's upsetting you. But on the flip aide, do you really want someone to come onto DDs life who os a 'flight risk' as such? Would be awful for you to have to explain why friend isn't around anymore of she and your dd bonded and she suddenly came down with a case of the hissy bitch again.
BaguetteMaid · 01/08/2015 20:37
Solebizz, well I did respond initially when she said she's broken up with bf (albeit it was just a quick one such as "oh know I'm so sorry to hear about xxxx, what happened?" and she followed up going into more detail and it warranted more than a text (a call) if you see what I mean. I just didn't have time as was driving and fighting with the Xmas Eve crowds . But still, I feel awful that she felt so neglected by me. I do have a really hectic job but always tried to see her- I was the one making plans, calling her but she'd cancel our meet ups fifty percent of the time.
I think she was nervous about being my maid of honour as in some ways she's very shy and body conscious too. I did say she could wear anything she wanted (my bridesmaids were kids in matching outfits so she didn't need to wear a similar dress or anything, I wasn't a bridezilla or anything, it was quite informal.
I'm not sure- I keep replaying it all in my head. She was also resentful of a friend I made at work (who ended up being my maid of honour and being a great support) She wanted to know why my mate wasn't made of honour. I tried to assure her that she was my closest and oldest friend, even if we didn't get to see each other as much as I'd like. It didn't work, she got quite aggressive in all her follow up messages to me. I think I need to just move on and accept she's a different person to when we were eleven.
saintlyjimjams · 01/08/2015 20:45
She sounds a nightmare, & there may or may not be an understabdable reason for that. Either was she sounds very hard work. I have discovered some people like drama & falling out over minor things, my lufe is too complicated to get caught up in all that. Petsonally I'd leave her to it.
CrapBag · 01/08/2015 20:59
I honestly think you should leave it. She doesn't sound all that pleasant tbh. She may have been upset at you not responding to her second message but it was Xmas eve ffs, it's not beyond the realms of possibility that you may be busy!
She sent vile messages, completely uncalled for, she cancelled on you a lot, she didn't like another friend did you had, you had to do the chasing to do stuff with her. Failing to see a single redeeming quality here.
I think you possibly mourn what the friendship should have been, rather than what it was. You seem quite focused on that fact that she was your oldest friend. My oldest friends treated me badly in our last couple of years and after we left school. I had no qualms about getting rid of people like that.
I kind of understand though. I am mourning a friend. There were changes in the friendship and a couple of things that really annoyed me. I loathe confrontation though and just avoided and we never dealt with it. Now we don't speak and there are times when I know she was the one person I could really turn to and the on person I could tell anything to. I don't have anyone like that and I'd say I have friends but none of them close and it makes me sad. Enough that makes me think I should try to get in touch but I'm a bit of a coward and I have said some things that would make me look like a hypocrite now. I have had a lot of time to reflect though and understand what my problems and issues were and I wish I had addressed it with her at the time. She would never have behaved how your ex friend has though. She would never have sent vile messages or anything like that. I do think there are some things that are very hard to come back from.
BaguetteMaid · 01/08/2015 21:16
Crapbag I guess I am still clinging onto the memory of when we were young and joined at the hip. I have to admit when I met my first boyfriend (who's now incidentally my husband) she started to withdraw. I tried to have us all spend time together but she understandably felt like piggy in the middle. She also had a boyfriend at the time but again they were very on/off and me and my DH were instantly very close. She then became good friends with another girl and I vividly remember calling her to tell her my brother was in hospital after having an epileptic fit (this was when we were 16/17 ) and she and her friend started giggling about it and trying to sshhh each other. I think she felt sidelined and so decided to kind of "punish" me by being a bit of a bitch. I'm really mourning the eleven year old version of her who was hilarious and I idolised. But I guess we all grow up and change. I do feel envious of people I see who have life long friends they've known since they were tiny but I guess that's rare.
CrapBag · 01/08/2015 23:08
I do too, have that envy that is. I still miss my friend from 11 years old until we were 18. But she would frequently dump me when someone better came along then come back to me when she got bored. I miss the good times though as we could really talk and laugh when we were good friends.
I honestly don't see me making that kind of friend now. The people I really like seem to already have that space filled. I'd just love 1 really good friend who I could ultimately depend on and have that relationship where I could tell them anything. And the sad thing is, the more I think about it, the more I realise I did have that with the friend I mentioned previously. But then I remember why I got annoyed. I tend to look back with rose tinted glasses sometimes which I guess is what you are doing too.
imwithspud · 01/08/2015 23:55
Yanbu. I can relate somewhat. I had a friendship breakdown recently and you do experience a form of 'grief' when it happens, especially when it's someone you felt you really 'clicked' with. From what you've said I would leave her to it and try and move on. It doesn't sound like she's really interested and you'll save yourself from future hurt by distancing yourself. If she wants to she can always get in touch with you and then you can take it from there.
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