To expect 'me' time once children arrive?

[Mermaid36]

DH and I are TTC currently. He has a job at the moment where he works away a lot (over half the month currently) and can be sent abroad for 2 weeks with less than 2 or 3 days notice (not armed forces). Part of the 'agreement' for TTC was that he moved role to a job with more regular hours/less travel (or more regulated travel). This is happening, and he starts his new role in a few months.

I am very active, and have lots of 'things' that I do. I exercise 5 or 6 nights of the week (military fitness, boxing team, swimming, zumba), take part in swimming events at weekends, do some vintage modelling occasionally.

I mentioned to DH that once we have a baby, I'd expect him home a couple of nights a week in time to look after the baby so I can continue to attend a couple of exercise sessions a week. I certainly don't expect to do the amount I'm doing now, and I know that it will depend on the type of birth I have etc.

DH looked at me like I was off my trolley. After a quick discussion, I've managed to ascertain that he didn't realise that I'd still want to do "all that" once we have a baby. I asked if he'd still want to keep his football season ticket, and attend his archery sessions when we have children. His answer was yes - and when I said that I wanted to carry on with some of the things I also enjoy, I'm sure a little light came on.

Am I BVU to expect to continue with some of my 'hobbies' once we have children? Do women really morph into 'Mummies' who do absolutely nothing else but look after children? Please tell me it isn't so!?!

[Peppasmate]

It's an important conversation to have. I presumed everything would be 50/50 with dp. He obviously didn't.
That was 14 years ago. I should have given up then!

YANBU.

[CluckingBelle]

While it's perfectly acceptable to tone down the activity levels should you choose to due to tiredness/different priorities/whatever this needs to be absolutely your decision, not just what you feel you 'should' do.

If he gets me time, you should get equal me time. Start as you mean to go on. In the blur of early parenthood it may not seem important but it has the potential to build resentment and cause major relationship problems later on down the line if one parent gas considerably more responsibilities and less down time than the other.

[mrsdavidbowie]

I had every Saturday from 1pm off from when dcs were 6 weeks old
Kept me sane

[magoria]

I think it is very good that you have approached that you expect him to be an equal parent and that you have an equal right to spare time and hobbies when DC come along.

[honeylulu]

Agree it's great to have raised this now. Also agree if me time is up for grabs the parents should get an equal share.
You may not yet be accounting for practicalities that might constrain your hobbies, at least in the first year or more.
Pre children, I was very like you and did a class after work most days and circuit training Sunday too.
Baby#1 was very challenging/exhausting and I had absolutely no spare money and no car (stolen just before my ML and I couldn't afford to replace it) so apart from walking A LOT with the pram I did no exercise until I went back to work (and got another car). But I had to do flexi hours to manage nursery pick up and the evenings are very short as I had to go to bed so early to get up at 5.30. My husband requested flexi hours too but was refused. So I did just one gym session on Sunday for a long time.
Between the two babies I took up running though and did this 3-4 a week after son was in bed, often not until 8 pm or so but the beauty is I just slip on my trainers and go plus it's free! !
After baby #2 I started running and circuit training on Sunday again at six weeks and was exclusively breastfeeding. I also do squats lunges and hand weights in front of the telly. I now work at home one day a week and usually manage to get to the gym for a lunch time class.
Your set up may be completely different of course but the point of all this waffle is to say that it's still possible to have your me time for exercise but it may need to evolve from what you are used to! Good luck with TTC.

[Stripyhoglets]

I think it's quite concerning that he didn't even think his life will change, or that you would want to carry on with some of your activities after you have a baby. And that you have a lot of friends who operate that way too, it will be expected you do too by his mates. It should have been obvious to him that his life is going to change immensely as well as yours and you won't be doing it all. I would be revisiting this plus discussions about money /housework etc. after baby arrives. I have friends who became domestic skivvies on mat leave and it was only 6 month long then. And seemed suprised I actually expected my DH to contribute equally.

[BikeRunSki]

Make the most of only having your dh's hobbies to deal with. Once your child is older you'll have their hobbies to compete with too in the evenings....

[AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain]

Yanbu op. I find it a worry that he expected your life to change but not his. Parenting is a team effort, not an optional thing and I would be making sure he damn well knows this. You are entitled to time out as much as him.

Obviously things may change when it actually comes to having a baby. You'll both be exhausted, you may have a colicky refluxy baby and spend your evenings taking it in turns to pace the living room and eating separately whilst one of you bounces a baby bouncer (it doesn't last but at the time it feels like years trust me). So see how it goes. Also you may be breastfeeding so it's not as easy to escape. Either way, having a baby tests the very bones of your relationship so make sure he knows where he stands before you get there.

[Athenaviolet]

I think it's great you are discussing this now.

You should have equal leisure time.

Bf will make this vv hard for the first 6 months though. Bad habits develop and then they are difficult to break.

But yes it's good for dad's to have regular sole charge of their DCs. It's shocking this isn't universal!

[Reubs15]

Yanbu but you'll probably want a different kind of me time like a nice soak in the bath! Also, you probably won't want to leave your baby for a while. Mine's almost 6 months and I've only left him for a few hours! Breastfeeding also takes up a lot of time/energy.
Also, when you do leave your baby you'll probably want to spend that as quality time with your partner.
Definitely get your partner to be open to it but don't worry about it right now, enjoy ttc and spending time together

[NeedSpeed]

If you plan to breastfeed there is no way you'll be able to do any of your evening classes for at least 6 months.

If you formula feed you might be able to. I would start negotiating with your husband from now.

[Hellotherehowareyoudoing]

YANBU but try and keep an open mind, everything changes, not in bad way, but what you want will probably change. Sounds like you have a good, level head, so just see how you feel when the time comes :)

[Sansarya]

If you plan to breastfeed there is no way you'll be able to do any of your evening classes for at least 6 months.

I breastfeed and still managed to get to an evening class once a week after DS was about 3 months old. I started giving him a bottle of expressed milk from the time he was about 7 weeks so he got used to it fairly quickly. Not all babies take to it though, so perhaps I was lucky. I would say OP, that if this is important to you then get your DC used to a bottle early as it'll mean you'll occasionally be able to be away from them for more than 2 hours.

[bramble16]

Of course you should have equal leisure time. I was back running regularly six weeks after DS was born (even with stitches!). I go to classes, do my own yoga practice and long runs just as before but we share the number of nights equally. If you BF then it will be a bit longer before you can take time away but not that long in the scheme of things.

[FunkyPeacock]

Agree with Sansarya - perfectly possible to continue breastfeeding and go to the occasional exercise class

Assuming your class is local then you won't be away from baby for more than 90 mins

By the time you have the energy to return to classes then you will probably have a feeding routine which allows you to occasionally leave baby with your DH so you can get out for an hour or two (not guaranteed obviously!)

[toomuchtooold]

You might be being a bit over-optimistic about how much free time there will be once a baby arrives (e.g. I suspect it will make little odds how the birth goes unless you are pretty hardcore, because baby sleep is often all over the place until 6 months and more) but you are absolutely not BU to expect that the spare time that there is should be divided equally.

[Artandco]

Of course you can breastfeed and socialise. Mine fed roughly every 2 1/2 hrs, plenty of time to feed, then go out and hour or two

[Postino]

This is really good for getting it into perspective @manwhohasitall

Funny and poignant. E.g. "It’s not healthy for a dad's whole world to revolve around the kids 100% of the time. Pursue your own interests! And try not to feel guilty!"

[LadyLuck81]

It took about a year before I got back to my hobby of amateur theatre. Not only did I have a breast fed non sleeping child but honestly I didn't WANT to leave her on an evening before then.

I don't think you're unreasonable to get your partner on side ready to take on a fair share and allow you then opportunity. I just equally wouldn't assume you'd want to. You might but you might not.

Everyone reacts differently.

[BestZebbie]

Don't forget that when the baby arrives you will have a new hobby/close friend that you actively want to spend time with/emotional affair - the baby. Looking after the baby is partly tedium and routine but also you are very likely to actively want to spend lots of time around it and find that more satisfying than quite a number of other options for socialising or hobbies outside the home....it isn't that you no longer enjoy those other things, objectively, but you just have a better offer for that particular evening. Ths damps down a little as time goes on and the baby is no longer a newborn.

[Getyercoat]

YANBU but your story rings bells with me.
Before baby no1 I was seriously fit, three gym sessions a week (hardcore), martial arts instructor.
Afterwards not only did I have a constantly feeding baby but one that didn't sleep for longer than 40 mins at a time and could not be put down for about five months. DH worked 10 hour days, added to his commute he was gone for 12 hours a day. I was breastfeeding anyway so not much he could do about the clingon, hungry baby.
And I also got blindsided by horrific pnd.
I'm not saying any of this will happen to you but my baby was not colicky or refluxy or ill. Just a newborn who wanted to sleep on mom all the time.
If you can accept that life is going to change you're ok. It's not always going to be as intense but I have never managed to get back what I had pre-DC. Between work and domestic stuff and general knackeredness, it's very different for both me and DH.

[LazyLohan]

I think he's in for a shock as well. I suspect when the baby is born his hobbies will fall down his list of priorities too and come somewhere between sleep and making sure enough laundry is done that the entire house doesn't smell of sick.

[Hellion7433]

Having a baby takes over. At 6 months I started jogging again. If breast feed baby, then quickly rush out for an hour leaving babe with DH.

[icklekid]

You are absolutely nbu- exercise (once recovered from a difficult birth ) kept me sane! I went to classes twice a week in day on maternity leave and ran twice a week in eve. Dh got into habit of taking ds out for a walk every sat morning and still does a year later! When ds was colicky and I was breastfeeding I was recovering so by time I was better these things were more established. I know plenty of Mums in same situation - I may not always feel up to it but always feel better after I do. My ds benefits from having a happy healthy mum! Definitely worth dh having a wake up call that his life will change as well as yours (can you tell I had the same conversation?!)

[Blondiemama]

YANBU! One of the conditions I had when we TTC was that I would keep my football season ticket and I did! DS was born in May so I went to all the games even if leaving him at 4 months was tough. Best decision I've made because I need that time to myself and DH can't dispute it when I have a game to go to ;-)