To expect 'me' time once children arrive?

[Mermaid36]

DH and I are TTC currently. He has a job at the moment where he works away a lot (over half the month currently) and can be sent abroad for 2 weeks with less than 2 or 3 days notice (not armed forces). Part of the 'agreement' for TTC was that he moved role to a job with more regular hours/less travel (or more regulated travel). This is happening, and he starts his new role in a few months.

I am very active, and have lots of 'things' that I do. I exercise 5 or 6 nights of the week (military fitness, boxing team, swimming, zumba), take part in swimming events at weekends, do some vintage modelling occasionally.

I mentioned to DH that once we have a baby, I'd expect him home a couple of nights a week in time to look after the baby so I can continue to attend a couple of exercise sessions a week. I certainly don't expect to do the amount I'm doing now, and I know that it will depend on the type of birth I have etc.

DH looked at me like I was off my trolley. After a quick discussion, I've managed to ascertain that he didn't realise that I'd still want to do "all that" once we have a baby. I asked if he'd still want to keep his football season ticket, and attend his archery sessions when we have children. His answer was yes - and when I said that I wanted to carry on with some of the things I also enjoy, I'm sure a little light came on.

Am I BVU to expect to continue with some of my 'hobbies' once we have children? Do women really morph into 'Mummies' who do absolutely nothing else but look after children? Please tell me it isn't so!?!

[Sothisishowitfeels]

I think it's fair to expect equal me time and perhaps you will feel like doing all that still which is fine . It also fine if your idea of me time changes to a bath and a nap.

I don't think you need to worry now just take it as you go.

[babybat]

YANBU - you read so many posts on here from women whose partners' lives have basically not changed at all, and they've been expected to pick up all of the family responsibilities. It's important to talk about it now so that he understands that just because you'll be on maternity leave, that doesn't mean that you won't still want some time for your own leisure activities. Of course having kids can be exhausting, and you might need to adapt to suit the demands of a new baby, but it's not at all unreasonable to make sure he understands that you're both responsible for the baby, and you need to share the work.

[jimijack]

Ahhh me time.
I remember it well.

Fully intended to get back to hobbies post baby but then colic hit, then early awakening phase hit (think up at 4.30 am for the day for a month) then teething up every hour through the night, then injections, temperature crying, crabby baby, then the clocks changed, again early awakening for a month, then chicken pox, cold and cough, then croup, blah blah blah.

Ultimately counting down the minutes to baby's bed time so that too could literally collapse into my bed as I felt like I was about to die if I couldn't close my eyes for a minute.

I couldn't give a flying fuck about zumba, swimming or even taking a 2 minute shower in those dark days. My goal and only focus was surviving.

Good luck with me time.

[Mermaid36]

I know I won't be out every night working up a sweat!

I just wanted DH to know that I might want him to be back on a Tuesday night because I want to go to the 6pm zumba class every week, or have chance to go swimming on a Thursday evening or something, rather than just making dinner every night and both of us sitting on the sofa all the time.

I also want him to be able to look after DC on his own (unlike my friends H who has never had their 2 children (2yrs and 6mths) by himself)

[Gileswithachainsaw]

I don't think. those are unrealistic goals tbh.

I would think. The exercise would help your energy levels. sitting around on the sofa just makes you more tired.

I know plenty of people who had babies and had the time for these things. The kids didn't read the " I must be up all night and puke over everything " handbooks

[Bonsoir]

TBH you may not feel like all those evening out-of-home activities for a while after the birth. Probably better to think about exercising earlier in the day!

[MyNameIsInigoMontoya]

YANBU at all and it's great you've managed to start discussing this before baby's arrived!
I would say KEEP talking about it too - as others have said, you may find you are happy to let other activities slide a bit in the first year or two if you are tired and have your hands full, or due to breastfeeding etc. But that can easily set the expectation with some men that you will always be prepared to sit at home with the little ones and they can do what they want. So all the better if you can already get him used to the idea that you WILL want at least some of your old life back eventually and that he'll have to do his bit!

[googoodolly]

You're not being unreasonable to expect him to look after DC alone, but I think you need to be a bit more realistic about how much energy you'll have by 6pm when you have a newborn waking up all through the night!

You may find you're more keen to go off for a nap or a bath rather than a zumba class!

[MrsDutchie]

No, please don't give up who you are and what you want to do! Where there's a will and all that. Seems like your dp gets it but also wait until baby is here and work practically together around their needs as you don't know e.g. If your baby has reflux.

Our set up is I work and dh does child care. It's great. Being a sahm was not for me. I really struggled with it for 4 months and really missed the drive of work. But I do get Fridays with dd which is great.

[SantanaLopez]

6pm is the witching hour

I do early morning classes now (3 under 3) and they're brilliant. Keep an open mind, don't make set plans and see how you go.

[Happy36]

jimijack Without knowing your own family situation, should the OP´s baby get colic, it doesn´t prevent the OP from going to the gym, as her husband can share the childcare and they could also have a family member or babysitter.

My husband and I are lucky in that our two children were good sleepers when they were babies and thankfully had good health, which I appreciate is not always the case. Nevertheless we have always managed to take some time to pursue our own interests, either individually or as a couple, regardless of whether one of children was colicky or under the weather after an immunisation or for another reason or we were extra busy at our jobs. I think the OP is sensible in realising that her hobbies are important to her and she must not foresake them entirely after the baby is born. Also sensible to discuss this with her husband at this stage.

[Toria2014]

Before we TTC my DH and I hashed out the terms and conditions! He sails and I have a horse. I point blank refused to give up my hobby and he felt the same about his. Now our DD is here and now a year old, we have stuck to our deal, albeit we don't indulge our hobbies as much as we did previously, but we still do our own thing. I ride at weekends and he sails, whoever is at home looks after the baby. Its only fair, and its good teamwork. It wouldn't benefit our marriage or our child if one parent was pissed off and resentful that the other one got to please themselves. And I am still breastfeeding by the way. Where there is a will, there is a way!

[FunkyPeacock]

It's great that you are having these conversations now rather than once you have a baby

In the short term (first 12 weeks or so) then I wouldn't realistically expect to have the energy TBH but after that if you're an active person then no reason why you shouldn't get out a couple of evenings a week for an exercise class or similar

If your DH expects to continue all his hobbies while you give yours up then you have a problem and might want to reconsider your choice of father for your future DC!

[BertrandRussell]

My dp's work timings were unpredictable and I am an early to bed person, so I very rarely got/wanted evenings off when ours were little. BUT. We divided the weekends strictly into 6 chunks of time- morning, afternoon and evening Saturday and Sunday. And each of us had an absolute right to two of those chunks of time completely child free. No excuses, no questions asked. We didn't always take them, but they were there. Sacrosanct. It worked really well, and saved any simmering resentments!

[BathtimeFunkster]

I just didn't want DH to think that I would give up everything I do (job, hobbies etc), and that his life would continue very much the same.

I think that's the really important thing.

It's basically impossible to know in advance what having a baby will do to your life, priorities, health (mental and physical), energy levels, interests.

Things will change. Women are not stupid or lazy by nature, so maybe lose the idea that we all just give up caring about anything once we have children.

Most of us are doing our best :)

The thing that will hurt your marriage the most IMO and from what I've seen is if his life carries on as before and your has to change completely (in part to accommodate that).

You are both going to have to give up a lot of stuff you enjoy to look after the new person who will be totally reliant on you for everything.

If you approach it as a team, it will be so much easier and more fun.

I would be slightly concerned that he presumed you would be at home all the time with the baby while his life went on as normal.

Why did he think that?

[mandy214]

I think it's very sensible to discuss that you are in this together and you both need to expect change.

I also think it's very naive to be expecting that you'll feel (emotionally and physically) the same as you do now. Everyone has different views on this, usually formed as a result of personal experience. I was also a bit of a gym bunny pre - children. Getting pregnant with twins then going into labour prematurely, hospital stays and breastfeeding put paid to any desire (never mind the capability) to do absolutely anything for at least a year. I did my first post baby half marathon when they were 18 months but my outlook on life and how I wanted to spend my time changed completely.

[Mermaid36]

Bathtime - I think a lot of his/our parent friends have subscribed to the idea that mummies look after babies and daddies go out to work. Certainly that mum's hobbies seem to be replaced with baby yoga/sing and rhyme time/mum and baby groups etc and dad still has the football season ticket.

A friend of mine has sold her horse (she's been riding since she was 6), but her hubby still has his (very expensive) season ticket. It's never struck me as fair!

[Sansarya]

YANBU OP. Like you, I did about 6-7 classes a week before I got pregnant. This then dropped to about 4-5 but I carried on exercising until the day before I went into labour, and went back to my classes when DS was about 8 weeks old. He was not an easy baby but fortunately took to a bottle easily so I used to express. Admittedly I was only making it to the gym 2-3 times a week until I went back to work and now I do about 5 classes. We manage it by DP picking DS up from nursery twice a week so I go to the gym straight from work. I would have been very unhappy if I'd had to give up my workouts, so if it's something important to you then you will make it work.

[Mehitabel6]

You just need a calendar and whoever gets their activity down first has the other one look after the children, or if they want to go out too they organise the babysitter.

[Duckdeamon]

Equal(ish) leisure time is a good MN mantra!

It is hard with babies and small DC to choose how to use the limited available time, especially if you both do paid work too.

If you'll be on maternity leave and enjoy exercise there might be gyms or classes with an ad-hoc crèche in the daytime, I'm not sporty but really enjoyed those.

[Esmum07]

It's fine that 'mummies look after babies and daddies go out to work' if that works for both parties. I'm a SAHM. DH, until last year, worked either from home or commuted. He always did DS's bath. DS is now 8 years old and it was only last year, when DH's job took him away from home 3 nights a week, that I actually took up bath duties!

DH used to break his neck getting home for bath and story time. One, it gave me a break so I could tidy up after dinner so we could both enjoy a bit of down time once DS was in bed. But more importantly it gave DH and DS time to get to know each other. I've heard giggles, rows, tantrums etc coming from upstairs over the years as DH and DS have figured out how they relate to each other. I know, because DS has told me, that the two of them gossip about me (mum was really ratty today Dad. Yep, she gets like that son type of thing - cheeky sods). It's important for dad to be involved, it gives dad a place in the house and in DC life other than just putting food on the table IMHO.

As for getting me time. Yes, of course it's important. As a few people have said, it may be hard to get back to exercise just because of routines (especially if you are BF - babies don't always feed to a time table) but, even just having the chance to read a book or watch your favourite TV programme after a busy day is a treat. Don't throw away the chance of treats. They keep you sane!

[PinguForPresident]

Me time. Hmmmmmmmmmmm, i think I first got some of that when #2 was about 12 months old.

I think people can often underestimate the effect of extreme tiredness/ exhaustion. It hit me the day my daughter was born after a 48 hour labour, so 2 full nights of sleep missed, and then a baby who wouldn't stop crying. I hallucinated from exhaustion. Neither of mine slept through til they were 1 year old, and despite being an ex professional dancer and all round fit person, there was no way on god's earth I could have dragged myself to a class atre 3 broken hours of sleep - which was what I was getting each night for at least the first 6 months with each of them.

Breastfeeding also means you're more tied to the baby when they're small: babies will often cluster feed in the evening, so just when you're wanting to get to that 6pm Zumba class, they're settling down for a 4 hour feed-a-thon. And while you may think now "oh, I'll express" again, that's a lot easier said than done - nether of mine took a bottle for 6 months +.

Equal leisure time is a great philosophy to have. Just don't expect any leisure time at all to be on the cards for the first wee while.

[RhinestoneCowgirl]

I've been SAHM on and off since DC were born (interspersed with working part time).

I'd say I've definitely been out more in the evenings than DH, mainly because I'd been with small children all day and needed to have some non-child activity. For me it's book groups, creative activities and theatre/film stuff, but the principle is the same. It's nice to go out with DH too of course, but we don't often have a babysitter available

Oh and DH often puts his friends at work straight if they suggest that they've been 'babysitting' their own kids...

[DesertIslander]

YANBU but I have no personal time at all as a lone parent (by lone I mean, not just a single person who shares parental responsibility).

I wish I still had time for hobbies.

Do you work?

[Mermaid36]

Yes, I have a full time 9-5 job, plus I run my own business at the weekends. We're hoping that I won't have to go back to my "day job" and can build my own business instead.