To expect 'me' time once children arrive?

[Mermaid36]

DH and I are TTC currently. He has a job at the moment where he works away a lot (over half the month currently) and can be sent abroad for 2 weeks with less than 2 or 3 days notice (not armed forces). Part of the 'agreement' for TTC was that he moved role to a job with more regular hours/less travel (or more regulated travel). This is happening, and he starts his new role in a few months.

I am very active, and have lots of 'things' that I do. I exercise 5 or 6 nights of the week (military fitness, boxing team, swimming, zumba), take part in swimming events at weekends, do some vintage modelling occasionally.

I mentioned to DH that once we have a baby, I'd expect him home a couple of nights a week in time to look after the baby so I can continue to attend a couple of exercise sessions a week. I certainly don't expect to do the amount I'm doing now, and I know that it will depend on the type of birth I have etc.

DH looked at me like I was off my trolley. After a quick discussion, I've managed to ascertain that he didn't realise that I'd still want to do "all that" once we have a baby. I asked if he'd still want to keep his football season ticket, and attend his archery sessions when we have children. His answer was yes - and when I said that I wanted to carry on with some of the things I also enjoy, I'm sure a little light came on.

Am I BVU to expect to continue with some of my 'hobbies' once we have children? Do women really morph into 'Mummies' who do absolutely nothing else but look after children? Please tell me it isn't so!?!

[frankbough]

A lot of me time looses it's spontaneity, and in our house we both work but Mrs Boughs job demands means her hrs are long and arduous, so it's very very difficult for her to find time to do her own thing.. We've spent many hrs shuffling and planning so she can have time to herself..

So wouldn't expect anything, just be prepared to both sacrifice and help each other.

[HagOtheNorth]

' I asked if he'd still want to keep his football season ticket, and attend his archery sessions when we have children. His answer was yes - and when I said that I wanted to carry on with some of the things I also enjoy, I'm sure a little light came on.'

Exactly. You will both need to compromise if and when the baby arrives, and you may find that the reality is very different to the expectation.
But having that conversation before the baby is a great idea, and him getting his head round the fact that you'll still have an equal partnership and both need 'me time' of some description is very necessary.
Keep talking!

[Ragwort]

YANBU at all, it is essential to make time for your own interests, hobbies and friends - and equally important why on earth can't a father look after his own child ...... it's pathetic the number of men who don't look after their own babies/children and I do think, in some cases, this is facilitated by the mother who has to 'prove' how much the child depends on her. Yes, I understand that some women prefer to exclusively breast feed but that is precisely one of the reasons why I mix fed so that I was never in the position that I couldn't leave my baby for an evening/afternoon.

You read so many threads on mumsnet where people find it hard to make friends and I am sure in some part this is due to not keeping up with your own interests but becoming a bit of a 'mummy martyr' and then when your children are older finding that suddenly you are on your own with no interests and no friends.

[Scoobydoo8]

Def keep up an interest/interests.

I didn't, am now enjoying and finding I'm good at so many things I didn't realize - sadly I'm nearly 60- if I'd started the interests when I was 20 instead of 50 how different my life might have been.

[CognitiveIllusion]

YANBU at all to think that your hobbies are just as important as your DH's.

The difficulty once you have DC is finding the right balance of family time, couple time and me time. There just aren't enough hours in the day! If you don't go back to work full time, could you find a gym with a crèche and fit in sone of your exercising during the day?

[Blondiemama]

YANBU! One of the conditions I had when we TTC was that I would keep my football season ticket and I did! DS was born in May so I went to all the games even if leaving him at 4 months was tough. Best decision I've made because I need that time to myself and DH can't dispute it when I have a game to go to ;-)

[icklekid]

You are absolutely nbu- exercise (once recovered from a difficult birth ) kept me sane! I went to classes twice a week in day on maternity leave and ran twice a week in eve. Dh got into habit of taking ds out for a walk every sat morning and still does a year later! When ds was colicky and I was breastfeeding I was recovering so by time I was better these things were more established. I know plenty of Mums in same situation - I may not always feel up to it but always feel better after I do. My ds benefits from having a happy healthy mum! Definitely worth dh having a wake up call that his life will change as well as yours (can you tell I had the same conversation?!)

[Hellion7433]

Having a baby takes over. At 6 months I started jogging again. If breast feed baby, then quickly rush out for an hour leaving babe with DH.

[LazyLohan]

I think he's in for a shock as well. I suspect when the baby is born his hobbies will fall down his list of priorities too and come somewhere between sleep and making sure enough laundry is done that the entire house doesn't smell of sick.

[Getyercoat]

YANBU but your story rings bells with me.
Before baby no1 I was seriously fit, three gym sessions a week (hardcore), martial arts instructor.
Afterwards not only did I have a constantly feeding baby but one that didn't sleep for longer than 40 mins at a time and could not be put down for about five months. DH worked 10 hour days, added to his commute he was gone for 12 hours a day. I was breastfeeding anyway so not much he could do about the clingon, hungry baby.
And I also got blindsided by horrific pnd.
I'm not saying any of this will happen to you but my baby was not colicky or refluxy or ill. Just a newborn who wanted to sleep on mom all the time.
If you can accept that life is going to change you're ok. It's not always going to be as intense but I have never managed to get back what I had pre-DC. Between work and domestic stuff and general knackeredness, it's very different for both me and DH.

[BestZebbie]

Don't forget that when the baby arrives you will have a new hobby/close friend that you actively want to spend time with/emotional affair - the baby. Looking after the baby is partly tedium and routine but also you are very likely to actively want to spend lots of time around it and find that more satisfying than quite a number of other options for socialising or hobbies outside the home....it isn't that you no longer enjoy those other things, objectively, but you just have a better offer for that particular evening. Ths damps down a little as time goes on and the baby is no longer a newborn.

[LadyLuck81]

It took about a year before I got back to my hobby of amateur theatre. Not only did I have a breast fed non sleeping child but honestly I didn't WANT to leave her on an evening before then.

I don't think you're unreasonable to get your partner on side ready to take on a fair share and allow you then opportunity. I just equally wouldn't assume you'd want to. You might but you might not.

Everyone reacts differently.

[Postino]

This is really good for getting it into perspective @manwhohasitall

Funny and poignant. E.g. "It’s not healthy for a dad's whole world to revolve around the kids 100% of the time. Pursue your own interests! And try not to feel guilty!"

[Artandco]

Of course you can breastfeed and socialise. Mine fed roughly every 2 1/2 hrs, plenty of time to feed, then go out and hour or two

[toomuchtooold]

You might be being a bit over-optimistic about how much free time there will be once a baby arrives (e.g. I suspect it will make little odds how the birth goes unless you are pretty hardcore, because baby sleep is often all over the place until 6 months and more) but you are absolutely not BU to expect that the spare time that there is should be divided equally.

[FunkyPeacock]

Agree with Sansarya - perfectly possible to continue breastfeeding and go to the occasional exercise class

Assuming your class is local then you won't be away from baby for more than 90 mins

By the time you have the energy to return to classes then you will probably have a feeding routine which allows you to occasionally leave baby with your DH so you can get out for an hour or two (not guaranteed obviously!)

[bramble16]

Of course you should have equal leisure time. I was back running regularly six weeks after DS was born (even with stitches!). I go to classes, do my own yoga practice and long runs just as before but we share the number of nights equally. If you BF then it will be a bit longer before you can take time away but not that long in the scheme of things.

[Sansarya]

If you plan to breastfeed there is no way you'll be able to do any of your evening classes for at least 6 months.

I breastfeed and still managed to get to an evening class once a week after DS was about 3 months old. I started giving him a bottle of expressed milk from the time he was about 7 weeks so he got used to it fairly quickly. Not all babies take to it though, so perhaps I was lucky. I would say OP, that if this is important to you then get your DC used to a bottle early as it'll mean you'll occasionally be able to be away from them for more than 2 hours.

[Hellotherehowareyoudoing]

YANBU but try and keep an open mind, everything changes, not in bad way, but what you want will probably change. Sounds like you have a good, level head, so just see how you feel when the time comes :)

[NeedSpeed]

If you plan to breastfeed there is no way you'll be able to do any of your evening classes for at least 6 months.

If you formula feed you might be able to. I would start negotiating with your husband from now.

[Reubs15]

Yanbu but you'll probably want a different kind of me time like a nice soak in the bath! Also, you probably won't want to leave your baby for a while. Mine's almost 6 months and I've only left him for a few hours! Breastfeeding also takes up a lot of time/energy.
Also, when you do leave your baby you'll probably want to spend that as quality time with your partner.
Definitely get your partner to be open to it but don't worry about it right now, enjoy ttc and spending time together

[Athenaviolet]

I think it's great you are discussing this now.

You should have equal leisure time.

Bf will make this vv hard for the first 6 months though. Bad habits develop and then they are difficult to break.

But yes it's good for dad's to have regular sole charge of their DCs. It's shocking this isn't universal!

[AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain]

Yanbu op. I find it a worry that he expected your life to change but not his. Parenting is a team effort, not an optional thing and I would be making sure he damn well knows this. You are entitled to time out as much as him.

Obviously things may change when it actually comes to having a baby. You'll both be exhausted, you may have a colicky refluxy baby and spend your evenings taking it in turns to pace the living room and eating separately whilst one of you bounces a baby bouncer (it doesn't last but at the time it feels like years trust me). So see how it goes. Also you may be breastfeeding so it's not as easy to escape. Either way, having a baby tests the very bones of your relationship so make sure he knows where he stands before you get there.

[BikeRunSki]

Make the most of only having your dh's hobbies to deal with. Once your child is older you'll have their hobbies to compete with too in the evenings....

[Stripyhoglets]

I think it's quite concerning that he didn't even think his life will change, or that you would want to carry on with some of your activities after you have a baby. And that you have a lot of friends who operate that way too, it will be expected you do too by his mates. It should have been obvious to him that his life is going to change immensely as well as yours and you won't be doing it all. I would be revisiting this plus discussions about money /housework etc. after baby arrives. I have friends who became domestic skivvies on mat leave and it was only 6 month long then. And seemed suprised I actually expected my DH to contribute equally.