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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to make Dd1 go to a birthday party?

12 replies

ram2014 · 30/07/2015 19:46

Hi.
I really need some advice and am not sure where to turn.
My 6 year old daughter has anxiety. She is getting better, but finds social situations stressful. She has been invited to a birthday party where it will just be 3 kids there (her, birthday girl and dd's best friend from school.) The party is a month away, and dd is crying every day worrying about it. Her main worry is separation anxiety, she wants me to come with her, but I have explained adults don't go to kids parties, and it is only going to be her 2 best friends there. (it is a cinema trip.) It sucks because I know for an absolute fact once she is there she is going to have a fantastic time. But I also know, when I leave her she is going to break down and cry.
What do I do?
Aibu to send her to the party, ignore her crying, apologise to the mother and just say she is feeling shy but will be okay, and leg it? Or do I text the mum and say dd can't come. I also don't want to ruin her friend's birthday by having my dd crying the whole time.
I just don't know what to do for the best.
I have so far promised dd if she doesn't cry at the party I will buy her a my little pony toy. Don't know if it will work on the day though since she has just been in floods of tears at bedtime. Sad

OP posts:
Vatersay · 30/07/2015 19:50

I think in this situation I'd talk to the other Mum.

I had a mum study at my children's sixth birthday party for the same reason, it was no problem at all.

Just offer to pay for yourself and maybe sit in another row or just over to the side.

I'm sure the Mum wouldn't mind and wouldn't want your wee girl to be so distressed.

rookiemere · 30/07/2015 19:51

I wouldn't force her to go if it's making her so upset, also not fair to the other DDs and party Mum if she gets upset. 6 is young and I remember at that age DS was reluctant sometimes to go to playdates unless I went with him the first time.

Do you know the DM well? Could you suggest that you go along with them - at 6 it's not like you'd be cramping their style.

SleepIsOverrated · 30/07/2015 19:54

She's six. Go along! Pay for your ticket or promise your daughter you'll be right outside if it's the sort of place where there's a decent cafe too.

Lurkedforever1 · 30/07/2015 19:54

Can you set up some practice runs with one or both of the other mums? So you and dd both go to their home, and once dd is enthralled in some game you nip to the shop for 5 minutes so she's the one saying no mummy I'll stay while you nip out? And then increase the length of time you're gone for, till you are leaving her there happy after popping in for 5 minutes to drop her? I know that's a bit presumptuous to expect the other mum/s to be hosting her several times but if you explained and said you'd have their dds round at yours too I'm sure they wouldn't mind.

IsItMeOr · 30/07/2015 19:57

Oh my goodness, that sounds very tough for your DD (and you!).

I have to confess that I have allowed 6yo DS to back out of a couple of whole class parties on the day, as he was having a meltdown about the very idea of going. He has autism, and this was around the start of the school year, and when he was just diagnosed so before any of the new strategies we were trying had really taken effect.

For a more recent party, he complained of a headache and did have a slight temp, so I gave him calpol and insisted he read quietly in his room. After about 40 minutes he said he felt better and we went along and joined in.

I can see that neither of those are an option for this one though - given the very small number of guests and that it's watching a film.

Could you ask the other mum whether it would be okay for you to join the party too (obviously paying for yourself)? I think 6 is still quite young for some kids to go places by themselves, and maybe you've just got one of them.

Something that is potentially high risk, but has worked very well with our DS is to say to him, I'm not saying you have to do x, which seems to help de-fuse a situation so that we can have a more rational conversation about the specific things that are worrying him about it, which often can be addressed/resolved.

TheHouseOnBellSt · 30/07/2015 19:59

Go! I had a mum come to my DD's 11th birthday party because her DD is anxious. Only a total cow would think you unreasonable! Your DD is only smal l..just tell the Mum DD is nervous.

enderwoman · 30/07/2015 20:00

I would talk to the other mum and ask if you could buy a ticket for yourself and join in discreetly.

YeOldeTrout · 30/07/2015 20:01

Explain to the mom & buy your own ticket.

DontCallMeBaby · 30/07/2015 20:09

Definitely see if you can go - we had an extra mum along at v short notice for DD's 5th birthday as her DD freaked out a bit. Turned out to be very useful as we'd not thought about the logistics of taking six little girls to the cinema!

Btw six years on that child is no longer remotely anxious, far from it!

IsItMeOr · 30/07/2015 20:10

In case you're wondering why I am apparently randomly suggesting you use techniques that work with a child with autism, it's because a lot of the behaviours DS exhibits appear to be triggered by anxiety. So could be worth a try with anxiety generally!

StonedGalah · 30/07/2015 20:10

Agree with pp, either go or tell your dd you'll be in the cinema foyer. I'm sure your dd will grow out of it when she's ready.

ThatBloodyWoman · 30/07/2015 20:13

I would have a really good talk with the mum,and tag along,but try to keeback as much as she seems able to manage.
My dd1 hated parties,discos etc at that age,but now she's a complete party animal.

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