AIBU over pregnancy shock?

[Ungratefulcah]

I feel horrendous even writing this. I've NC because I'm so ashamed.

DH and I had been trying for our first for over five years. We had unexplained infertility so ended up going abroad for IVF treatment. The first cycle failed but luckily we had frozen embryos so six months later we went back and had the remaining two implanted. Basically, for me to get pregnant has been a long, hard slog.

I was absolutely ecstatic when my pg test was a BFP. And I know this sounds stupid but because of our difficulties I really just assumed that only one embryo implanted. You can see where this is going....

At my first scan they suspected twins and that was confirmed a week later. At first I was delighted, but now things have changed. I haven't told DH because I don't dare, I feel so ashamed of myself. Basically, I am terrified about having twins and I feel a bit indignant. I was expecting one baby, one pushchair, one cot, one set of clothes and now everything has changed. I'm 18 weeks now and I already look 8 months gone. I've been told bedrest is likely for the last part of pg as I have placenta praevia, we're going to have to sell our car for a bigger one and I'm going to have to manage two newborns, rather than one. We don't have the house space, I'm worried about all the clutter and we intended to educate DC privately and had been saving - I don't think this is remotely possible now.

I feel like everything I was expecting has been ripped away from me and a whole heap of pressures added on. I cry most days and I'm so scared I don't know how to go about calming myself down. I'm afraid that I'm beginning to resent the 'extra' twin and that petrifies me.

Please - can anyone who's had twins reassure me?? My friend said it could be 'twin shock' but I don't even know what that means :(

A family member had twin girls 4 years ago, not IVF but twins on the dad's side of the family. She is lucky that both sets of parents are able to help out a lot and she was able to go back to work for two days a week.
been a hard slog, but the girls are lovely and always have each other to play with and seem very contented too.
I know it must be a shock, I doubt my own dh would have managed personally, one at a time was difficult enough, but they are only babies for such a small amount of time and time does go by in a flash. I cant believe that the twins in our family are starting school soon.
do you have a good family / friends that can help out? try not to panic, I know its easy for me to write this as mine are much older, but take each day at a time. my family member was offered counselling and took it too, the hospital referred her to the multiple birth section or something like that. there must be loads on the internet too for support.
good luck!! and congratulations too.

Of course it's a shock. You've gone through IVF. You've had many moments planning/ imaging your experience. You probably had so many decisions mostly made about your family and future. Then. In a moment. Those plans are disrupted. The future you thought you were ready for suddenly feels out of your reach. Your thinking will shift with more planning/ dreaming of the future. Congratulations!

I don't have twins but I do have PCOS and didn't expect to be able to have children without assistance. My first baby was an accident and I was in shock too, to the point of antenatal depression. The baby was so wanted but I'd only been married a very short time (she was here by our first anniversary!), we were living in a small flat that didn't accept children and living half way around the world from my family.
Shock sounds like a pretty normal reaction in your situation, your DH may well be having similar worries to you, talk to him too.
Lastly, huge congratulations OP!

CONGRATULATIONS!!

What you are feeling is perfectly NORMAL op, but because its been such a hard slog for you to get pregnant- you feel a bit of guilt because for many, IVF doesn't work. You were lucky.

But its twin shock! as others have said- and you are having a tough pregnancy, so be kind to yourself. Yes you were lucky with your ivf treatment to get pregnant successfully, we are all lucky to have our DCs no matter how they came about, but you are still entitled to worry about the challenges having a family brings!

Congratulations! Expecting twin boys here - I'm 36 well so any time soon! I've been with dp for over 8 years but becoming pregnant wasn't exactly planned, although much wanted now. Can't imagine what the pressure and anticipation ivf must add to the situation.
I was pretty shocked to be expecting and was speechless for a few days when I learned there were two! My own mum said I looked likened been hit by a bus! No twins either side of our families so complete surprise.

You will be in shock a bit as your ideal plans have to change a bit - not out the window completely but different.

I found going to some twin groups and getting advice has been good. Trying not to plan ahead too much ie don't have them going to school quite yet!!!

There is support and bargains to be had / discounts etc. I'm pretty much set up and then some - people have been v generous with offers of things for the future too.

As for bed rest - take each day as you find it. I have been really very well and only stopped working in a v busy job 2.weeks ago . Still up and about now but with some hip/pelvis pain. Placenta previa can change - be guided by the consultant. All the best - sorry looooong reply!

When I found out I was having twins, I was shell shocked.

I remember that night, DH turning to me and saying "I can't believe we're so lucky to be having twins!" and grinned. I burst into tears.

It did take me some time to get used to it - I felt like all my plans were up the chute, we'd planned for one not two! Honestly through, twins are amazing. Truly.

I honestly think I'd have felt exactly the same as you! I was terrified of having twins! My grandma was a twin and her dad was a triple the! I actually had one dd in the end but several friends have had twins and it has been pretty amazing actually. They have a different experience but it's been really magical and fascinating for them. Tiring obviously but completely brilliant too. Massive congratulations to you both

I'm a twin, and I remember my mum telling me that when she found out she was expecting twins she cried. A lot. But she loved us both and somehow managed to cope with not only me and my sister, but also our older brother (18m old when we were born). And then went on to have two more boys!!

Try not to worry about how you're feeling - it seems to be quite normal for this to be a massive shock! The Internet didn't exist back then for my mum to get any tips or advice, so I agree with posters who suggest having a look at twin forums to get an idea of what to expect

I have twins, father didn't want to know me or them and done it all myself! They are now 4 years old and amazing. They slept through from a couple of months and I can count sleepless nights on one hand. It's not that bad

Congratulations! I'm 21 weeks with twin boys, my first (and last!) children. I didn't have the same difficulty in conceiving that you did, though I did have an earlier pregnancy that didn't work out. It was a massive shock when we found out about the twins, and I'm still mentally adjusting to what our new reality will be. Twins don't run in either family, so we hadn't entertained it as a possibility.

I think it's okay to feel sad about some things being different from what you had pictured. We've had to get a bigger car because we couldn't fit two Isofix bases without having the front seats too far forward to sit in comfortably, and it's difficult to escape needing to buy two of some things, so the financial implications can be daunting. I also worry about things like not being able to fully enjoy those cuddly times with one baby, because I imagine the second one will demand my attention at the same time. Long term, I wonder about how much two teenage boys will eat!

But I think all these fears are normal and fine and natural. Everyone has fears and worries when expecting a child. It just happens that ours are different because we're expecting two. Talk to your husband about your fears, and don't be afraid to speak to your midwife. I also second Tamba and looking into twin groups in your area. The more you talk to parents of twins, the more you'll be reassured that the joys will outweigh the challenges. I know it's scary and there's a lot of negativity surrounding twins, but we'll both be fine!

I agree with all that has been said. All the time you have been ttc you have most likely been hoping against hope that one day you will have a little baby to love and care for. Now that vision has changed dramatically. Will I be able to cope?. Will I have time to do everything these little ones need. These seem very sensible and very natural concerns.

Nobody would think you ungrateful. I hope that you have a healthy pregnancy and get lots of support.

Firstly I reckon how you are feeling is unbelievably normal. To try for so long just for one, and get two - having children is a total life changer in itself, nevermind two of them!

You said you were worried you'd "resent the extra twin" - but, and I don't mean this to be flippant, how on earth do you know which one is the extra one, my love?

Take comfort in the words of other people - some who are experienced, some who are not but have other practical advice to give. Congratulations, and be kind to yourself OK?

I have now 4yo B/G twins from IVF. It's awesome. Very easy babies. 3 was harder.

Some things I think made it easier were -

1. They were in their own room from day one with black out blinds With nobody to disturb them and dark they slept through from about 22 weeks (12 hours). Under mattress and repisense monitors made this possible.

2. We FF, not for everyone, but for us it meant we could share the night time wakings and DH could help.

3. Do a load of washing every day. It doesn't build up and is much easier to manage.

4. Get out and about every day. Babies are so portable at that age and you'll all benefit from the fresh air.

5. The best piece of advice I had (from a woman with 2 sets of twins!) was take advice from other multiple parents. There's a world away from having twins to single babies, even those with close age gaps.

You'll have such a good time, huge congratulations :)

There's a good forum called Fertility Friends (the Twins and more board), you find others in a similar position and get loads of good advice from both other pregnant multiple mums and those that have been there, done it and survived ;)

Congratulations!

We're finally expecting after years and it's only the one and I'm still in shock. I completely understand where you're coming from at that angle. Even though you're ttc a little bit of you is always preparing for it never happening and its surreal when it does. You become so focussed you kind of forget about the other scenarios that might happen. A long time spent struggling with fertility means you have a long time to fix a dream, yanbu to find it hard to adjust that.

I feel terrible because I'm not enjoying being pregnant - truth be told it's a massive burden. I've commented many times we should have looked closer at surrogacy My dp was incredulous at my 'ungratefulness' till I explained I just wasn't prepared really. Mad as it sounds, I want a family and hadn't really anticipated that pregnancy is actually quite a long time. My goal was the baby... I wouldn't change a thing but it's not something I'm relishing. Doesn't make me a bad person though!

Obviously I've no advice on twins specifically, but you will be fine. Even in the moments you don't believe that, overall you will be able to acknowledge and be happy about it.

I had my twins 2 weeks ago and remember shaking/crying in shock at being told "it's twins". Things are cramped and expensive but the feeling of being mum to twins beats that. Mine share their big sisters old cot for now as it's huge and plenty of space for them. We got a cheap double buggy which I love. I must admit it did shock me how quick we've been going through nappies, wipes and formula but I wouldn't change it for the world...apart from having more space of course!

Twin mum here too!

I cried lots too. No need to feel guilty.

You'll rock it I'm sure. x

Oh and where are you? I've got a doubly buggy you can have x

Stop worrying you will cope, just take life easy so you give birth to two healthy babies.

My third child (that I hoped would be a girl) turned out to be twin boys. I coped with four young children because I had to, you really do just get on with it and take it as it comes.
Join your local twins club/Tamba group, I made loads of wonderfully supportive friends, who were in the same boat, we shared advice and equipment.

Congratulations, you will be fine!

There is a poem often shared on SN/disability forums.

www.our-kids.org/archives/Holland.html

The sentiment is the same in your situation I think. You have spent 5 years imagining your 'trip to Italy' - where the cot will go, the cute private uniform, pushing a pram in the park etc.

You've now ended up in 'Holland'. The jist of the poem is Holland is different to Italy but there are many lovely things about Holland.

Take time and do voice concerns re how things will be. If you have money saved then maybe a maternity nurse/mother's help would make you feel a bit better in the first few weeks.

Be kind to yourself.

That's a fabulous piece of writing dixie, thanks for sharing that

I don't have much wisdom to add but thought you might appreciate this brilliant video!

My bil and sil had twins. They said later that there never was a time that they could say it's your turn to get up or whatever during the night. Both were up together father was equally involved as two pair of hands were needed it brought them together in a lovely way and meant there was no " woman's work " stuff around ever. Other friend remembers her mother cried and cried when she heard she was pregnant with twins years ago. Of course they got on fine in the end. It is good to say out what you're feeling as you can see here no one is shocked by your reaction. It's perfectly normal. Mind yourself

Yes, it's the hormones, and yes it's probably twin shock. But I would guess that you may have held a dreamy picture of being pregnant and having a child for a long time and now the reality is very different and very real. Do you think you might be feeling part of this fear even if it was just one baby?

There will be lots of times as a parent when you have to let go of the 'picture' or the plan and deal with the real child/ situatioon, iyswim. Don't worry, you'll have probably have got your head round it in time for the birth, and will find you adore them both.

I don't have twins but I do have a 5 month old baby who was conceived via IVF and born about 5 years after we started trying. In my experience, pregnancy after infertility is a headfuck in itself. I really didn't enjoy my pregnancy, even though I'd longed to be pregnant for such a long time, and I didn't really believe I was actually going to have a baby until after he was born. I think I had antenatal depression, looking back. I too felt really guilty and ungrateful, as I KNEW how lucky I was, so I felt guilty whenever i complained about being ill or in pain due to pregnancy. I had a difficult pregnancy too, and at times I was really quite pissed off about being pregnant because I felt so ill and miserable.

I've had similar feelings of guilt since he's been born, whenever I've complained about things like not sleeping or just when I feel like I'm not 100% enjoying parenthood on one particular day. But what I've decided now is that I've earned the right to be normal. There was nothing "normal" about my path to motherhood, so I'd like to put that behind me and just be a "normal" mum now. Normal people moan about their kids sometimes. And normal people would at the very least be a bit daunted at the prospect of twins. The majority would be terrified, I imagine.

What I will say is that having my little boy is the best thing I've ever done and I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. When your babies are born, they will change your life in the best way possible and you will be overcome with love for them and taking care of them will just come naturally. When I was pregnant, I couldn't be bothered to buy much baby stuff or get the house ready or anything. I just could not be arsed. But since he's been born, I've become so much more organized and I've not only looked after the baby full-time, I've found the energy and motivation to do things like sort the house out from top the bottom and decorate the baby's bedroom. It changes you when you have a baby, and you will be amazed at what you can manage! You will cope. It will be hard work but it will be lovely. I have a friend who had twins and then went on to have 2 more children. He says that they found having twin babies easier than having a singleton, because they always have each other to talk to/play with.

You need to tell your DH, if course you do. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that. Just bite the bullet and do it. You will feel better.

And of course, massive congratulations

Having twins is amazing!

Seeing two gorgeous babies cuddled up together makes you feel like your heart will burst with love. Watching two humans grow and develop differently despite raising them exactly the same way at exactly the same time is mind boggling sometimes and something not everyone gets to experience. Having people coo over your babies and tell you how amazing you are is a major ego boost. Watching them together and witnessing their bond develop is a real honour, I feel so lucky to be the mother of twins. When they were newborns I often thought I was in a dream and that there was no way I could ever be so lucky.

Would I have twins (or even one baby) again? Absolutely no way! As wonderful as it is it has been equally as difficult.

You are in for a bumpy ride but the best ride of your life