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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we should rename child free weddings..

127 replies

purplesprings · 28/07/2015 09:39

.. to take some of the angst out of invitations? I propose:

Marriage Party = adult only celebration of a couple's marriage. [only exceptions being dc of immediate family]

Wedding = celebration of two families coming together to form new family.

For the B&G there would be a clear definition of their wishes and no need to explain further. Guests would then know what the rules are and can decide whether to attend and in the case of a wedding whether or not to take their docs.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/07/2015 13:17

Weddings have traditionally been big family get togethers which it seems that we are moving away from

I think you're right, and that's certainly how it was done years ago - but another thing that's changed is attitudes about children

I don't imagine anyone would want to return to the "seen and not heard" days, but back then we didn't have this mindset of it being all about the children either, with massive offence taken if the little darlings were excluded from something

There was also more of an expectation that everyone would join in guiding them (it takes a village and all that ... ) Try to correct a lot of folks' children now and you'll have WW3 on your hands Hmm

Notagainmun · 28/07/2015 13:22

Had several friends and cousins with as small babies and children. If I had invited them all there would have been more children than adults. Only DH niece and nephew were invited (3 & 5). One of my cousins turned up with one year old. I had lots of parents you were very upset and even when I explained they weren' invited. Two families left before the speeches in protest and several were giving me evils although the reception. Almost ruined my day. Some parents need to just accept it is not all about them and just decline an unsuitable invitation.

SingForBacon · 28/07/2015 13:26

Best plan is to do what we did and get married young so none of our friends or family had kids, so none to invite ;)

Original poster
purplesprings · 28/07/2015 13:27

Up That was two families in the widest sense i.e. all the generations rather than excluding the children.

OP posts:
Nolim · 28/07/2015 13:29

Yabu to want to demote a wedding to a party for being childfree.

As someone mentioned upthread a martiage party is a party after the wedding, for instance if the wedding was abroad and not all your friends were able to go.

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter · 28/07/2015 13:31

Weddings have traditionally been big family get togethers which it seems that we are moving away from.

Not in my family, going back three generations. No children invited (including nieces and nephews). No problem.

But then these weddings were in Ireland. Irish weddings seem much less angst-ridden all round than English ones - going by evidence on MN of course!

Glitteryfrog · 28/07/2015 13:43

But as a bride you're told, 'its your special day, do what you like... Fire breathers, no problem, making your bridesmaids wear coral, no problem... Not inviting children who you see once in a blue moon... HUGE PROBLEM'

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 28/07/2015 13:47

Gosh. The Irish weddings I've known have been everyone you've ever met of all ages.

DrSethHazlittMD · 28/07/2015 14:23

Purple - so two people who would like to get married but have both decided they never want to have children, or are unable to have children, wouldn't be allowed to have a wedding? They'd have to have a party?

By your suggestion, a bride and groom who each had no living relatives would have no families, therefore they couldn't have a wedding either?

Biggest pile of bollocks I've read on here today, OP, well done.

Original poster
purplesprings · 28/07/2015 14:44

Dr no this is about the guest list not the couple. The couple may not be able to have children but that doesn't necessarily determine whether or not they would want children at the wedding.

The thread is about how you make it clear to guests who is invited. As I said up thread my terminology was clumsy - it's not supposed to say only weddings with children are real weddings

OP posts:
DrSethHazlittMD · 28/07/2015 14:52

I just spoke to my mum about this, she's 61, been to loads of weddings. I asked what happened when I was young (I'm now 41). She didn't even need to stop and think.

"If the invite said 'Joe & Sue' we got you a sitter or didn't go. If the invite said Joe, Sue & Paul' you came too. We never turned up without you to find there was an empty place at a table where you were supposed to be or vice versa"

So clearly, it is a more recent thing and I agree with the earlier poster that it's happened about the same time that a proportion of parents decided to adopt an attitude of "my child is the centre of your universe, not just mine"

Nolim · 28/07/2015 15:10

Purple you are trying to make a wedding with children a glorious celebration of love an family, and a wedding without children a second rate party.

Incidentaly according to your deffinition friends could not be invited to a "wedding".

MrsHathaway · 28/07/2015 15:15

I wonder if it's because everyone's doing their own invitations nowadays.

A proper old-fashioned invitation in the third person leaves no room for doubt:

Mr & Mrs BridesParents are pleased to invite
Mr & Mrs John Smith, Daisy and Hector
to the marriage of their daughter
Sarah Louise
to
Sgt Anthony Wells
at St Saviour's on 29 July at 2pm
and afterwards at the Grand Hotel.

The bride's parents are paying so you rsvp to them for Jane, John, Daisy and Hector, and remember to thank them or at least acknowledge them on the day. Done.

Nowadays the print run may not have the invitee line so you're making deductions from the envelope which is under the Sunday paper in the recycling box anyway, and it's addressed to Jane only because she's the bride's cousin and the envelope is quite small.

So YA sort of NBU because things could be done far better if people made their invitations more clear. I think that would be better achieved by putting the names of the invitees on the invitation, but I'm old fashioned like that.

We got married very young so for 120 guests there were only two children to consider. Both were very easily babysat and have the kind of parents who enjoy doing things without them anyway. Nowadays I far prefer childfree weddings but we're running out of unwed friends and family so it's unlikely to be an issue for a while.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 28/07/2015 15:33

If someone sent me an invitation addressed to Mrs DHfirstname DHSurname the RSVP would say "Not known at this address".

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 28/07/2015 15:36

Only joking. I'd be tempted though.

wigglesrock · 28/07/2015 15:50

Never in my life have I seen such an outpouring of angst as MN and child free/ children invited weddings (apart from thank you cards). My kids have been invited to weddings, they've not been invited (my favourite kind), the last wedding I went to my husband wasn't invited (MN explodes). I honestly know no one in real life that has ever expended as much energy on getting worked up about somebody else's celebration. Go, don't go nobody really cares as much about it as you.

sparechange · 28/07/2015 15:56

The thread is about how you make it clear to guests who is invited.

I'm not sure just coming up with a new name makes it very clear to anyone who doesn't read MN though.

We need a public information film!
I think it should go like this:
then footage of the lady of the house opening an envelope and taking out a stiff card entitled 'wedding party', and then calling upstairs 'kids! We are going to a wedding'. Then a klaxon goes off while the caption 'GUESTS, Know your limits' flashes up on screen?
And a nice 1950s BBC voice can say 'This couple didn't want to bring families together. They just wanted to get drunk. Children not wanted. Guests, know your limits'

And then there will never ever be an bloody wedding thread on AIBU ever again and we can all live happily ever after

Original poster
purplesprings · 28/07/2015 17:21

Sparechange I'd go with that.

OP posts:
WixingMords · 28/07/2015 17:27

Don't get the angst either.

I don't think most people do Though I know people who had a child free wedding and then after they had children thought it terrible that their little children weren't invited. But they are quite self serving people so I'd say those that get annoyed by it are just a certain type of personality.

WixingMords · 28/07/2015 17:30

wigglesrock rock I'm invited to a wedding and neither my husband nor children are invited too. Not too bothered really, it's small wedding, and it means we don't need to sort childcare. It was the same for my sister, though her husband is away anyway and therefore not able to stay with their children so she's not going.

LavenderLeigh · 28/07/2015 17:32

The convention is and always has been that only those named on an invitation are invited.
If the invitors ignore that convention, then they only have themselves to blame for any confusion.
As for weddings traditionally being family affairs, since when does every single family have members below 18?

formerbabe · 28/07/2015 17:36

I don't take my dc to weddings even if they have been included on the invite...family weddings are a different matter though.

My dc wouldn't enjoy it and i'd be stressed out making sure they behave...I don't normally stress about stuff like that and they usually behave well...its just the pressure of not wanting my dc to run riot on the most important day of someone else's life!

Skiptonlass · 28/07/2015 17:41

If your name's not down you're not coming in...

But seriously, there's no angst needed. We had a small wedding, and if we'd invited everyone's kids, we'd have had to cut down the guest list by 2/3. It was our wedding, not a crèche !

We made it clear on the invites and made sure we emailed/called everyone we invited to make sure no one had crossed wires. No one asked for exceptions.

Babes in arms we were fine with - but frankly, we didn't want kids there. It was a grown up venue, we partied till late and it just wasnt child friendly. (The venue was a total death trap for Little kids which probably helped...)

Those with older kids were really happy to have a night off, those still breastfeeding could still come, and everyone had a great time. Zero angst, zero fuss.

I'd NEVER assume kids were invited to an event - if it's not plain as day on the invite, then just ring the bride or groom - surely if you're close enough to be getting a wedding invite you're on speaking terms??

MarionHaste · 28/07/2015 17:43

Don't modern weddings deal with all the practicalities through the medium of verse? Why not include, "it's all about the bride and groom; for you kids there is no room" ? Or similar.

maninawomansworld · 29/07/2015 13:45

If our kids are invited to a wedding we still don't take them anyway. I don't want to be saddled with refereeing a pair of fractious 2 year olds while I should be catching up with pals I haven't seen for ages and having a nice time with DW. It's a perfect chance to stay over in a nice hotel, have a few drinks and some fantastic sex knowing that we aren't going to be interrupted by bloody toddlers!
They're perfectly happy with grandparents.

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