To put an official statement up regarding rules of SN group

[FrustratingSituation76]

I've NC for this because it's probably very identifying

Basically I voluntarily run a group for children with a specific disability. This disability affects children's social skills and they can sometimes act up. With this is mind the group fundraisers and provides summer holiday activities free of charge for the children and their siblings so parents can get them out without judgement in case something happens. These sessions are also to help the children develop social skills over summer in a none judgemental environment.

So yesterday was one of the activities. I had my DS with me but the place we chose is staffed and parents stay etc.

As we had plenty of spaces I invited someone I knew who has a son with learning disabilities but not the specific one and his sister as I know the mum struggles to find activities for both children. I work voluntarily with her at a different group, also for children with disabilities. Let call the daughter heather.

One little boy, I'll call him Bob, got very giddy about 30 minutes from the end and hit out, now he didn't do this aggressively or hard, he was playing, he did it to my DS twice trying to play a game with him and I told my DS to tell him no and that he didn't understand. His mum dealt with the behaviour every time. bob then hit out at heather three times because she was going round on a spinning toy. Bobs mum was getting to him to stop him, I was there and went and picked Bob up. Bobs mum came and heathers mum then shouted at bobs mum saying "that's three times now he's hit her!" This was said in a very nasty way and then heather was pulled away, heathers dad then said the same to bobs mum in a nasty way.

Bobs mum then got Bob and burst into tears and said she wasn't welcome and went to leave. I told her that of course she was welcome and to go and have a brew while I watched Bob. I told bobs mum that I would talk to heathers mum about what the group was for and to just try to forget it and have a nice day.

Later. Bobs mum contacted heathers mum on Facebook saying she was disappointed with her reaction to Bob at a group that was supposed to be for the children to practice their skills especially as she was dealing with the behaviour already. Heathers mum then sent me screen shots of the conversation where she said back that Bob was a bully and her children weren't safe around Bob and that bobs mum couldn't control her child and shouldn't bring him out.

Now I've had a nice word with heathers mum explaining that Bob didn't know and it's a very new thing the hitting and that we were getting on top of his behaviour and his mum moping it in the bud with help and support. But heathers mum kept repeating that he was a bully and unsafe to be around other children.

Bobs mum also messaged me with what heathers mum said about Bob and it was really unpleasant. This is made worse by the fact that all of our children also attend the same special school in which heathers mum and I are heavily involved in volunteering.

So... Basically it's all kicked off and I'm in the middle not wanted to upset anyone.

I was thinking of putting a sticky on group saying that the activities are for the children to practice social skills and that there may be instances of unwanted behaviour so although younger siblings are welcome, they have to be aware that they come at the parents own risk and that no parent is to be made to feel judged or like their child isn't welcome while at group.

But I'm unsure how to properly word it. Would this be unreasonable do you think? Should I put a general sticky up about rules or should I just leave it and hope it blows over?

would your council know Dixie we are quite lucky in my town we have various groups in fact ds1 is in a group right now for siblings!

It won't be Thursday but I will certainly bring DS along at some point. I have been trying to psych myself up to take him to something like that and this has made me want to more!

are you in the northwest sirzy/ op i,m wondering if its the same group i,m thinking of?

I'm a bit late to the party, but I've only just seen this thread.

As Heather doesn't have the same disability as the specific disability that the group is for, I would have told her mum that she was invited to be included but it obviously wasn't working out. If explain how much work you'd put in to get the group up and running and also to gain the parents and the children's trust to create a space where they are all safe from being judged by other children and parents.

You're lucky really that Bob's mum was able to contact Heather's mum and say "hey, your attitude stinks" and that she wasn't a nervous, shy quiet person with what little confidence she had blown to bits.

I'm very cross at Heather's mum though because as a SN mum, she knows how hard it is to have play dates and maintain friendships and she knows what your group is for - and yet she still called Bob a bully - I'm really not sure she's best suited to being a representative of the school.

Yes I am northwest based

Yanbu. If it's not already included, could you add something about the group being primarily to benefit people with x condition, and while others/ siblings may be welcome parents should be aware that x can often cause y behavior, and while all care is taken to prevent y, occasionally it will happen same as with nt children, and due to the nature of x, children cannot be held accountable for y like an nt child could.
Also heather sounds like a dick and one of the people that make life difficult for parents with children who would otherwise enjoy the usual social activities open for all if it wasn't for being judged.

You sound like you're doing a fantastic job.

YANBU. Maybe it's not such a bad thing if Heather's mum doesn't come along anymore, shame for the children, but she seems to have little understanding of the SN your group caters for. I'd recommend some specific reading if/before she returns.

Thank you everyone. I do feel strongly about it because before it was an official 'group' we all met up at a local sensory room and I gave someone else a lift so couldn't leave wary but my DS went into meltdown immediately and I was just sat on him being hurt and stopping him hurting others. I felt so embarrassed and upset but the other mums cut the booking short just for me and kept talking to me and messaged me later saying how well I handled it. It gave me the confidence to carry on taking him out and now he's beautifully behaved 95% of the time. If hate for someone to feel judged and that they are isolated because of the same group

To be honest I'm surprised about the hate for Heather's mum. She wasn't out of order for complaining about hitting, even in the group's context. Saying 'that's three times he's hit her' is not a bad thing to say imo and completely understandable -- it is alarming to see your child hit. Though I also see why it upset Bob's mum. I think Bob's mum was completely out of line for contacting Heather's mum on fb - this was bullying imo. She should have said it to Heather's mum's face during the conversation or complained to the group management. Obviously anything horrible Heather's mum said in response was also out of line. I think that Bob's mum also needs to have it made clear to her that any problems should be directed to management and not to individuals, to avoid this kind of situation. Bob's mum seems to be more like the aggressor to me.

I mean this nicely but I think you made a mistake inviting Heather's mum in the first place. I think one of the benefits of groups for specific conditions/disabilities is that everyone there can feel more relaxed as they know that everyone else present has had similar experiences and can be understanding. It's a "safe space" in a way. By inviting someone whose child didn't have that specific disability you blurred the boundaries of that safe space (though I get that you trying to be helpful and to reach out).

My personal opinion is that you should explain to Heather's mum that from now on the group is going to be strictly for those people whose children have [insert name of disability] and their siblings only, as clearly the attempt to broaden the boundaries hasn't worked out well for anyone. And then I'd put a sticky on the page like the pp suggested.