Mumsnet Logo
My feed

to access all these features


Aibu to feel so hurt

18 replies

Frustrated123 · 27/07/2015 22:41

My lovely Mum passed away almost 3 weeks ago after being diagnosed with cancer in March. The end came very suddenly and I am devastated. I have a few different groups of friends, one being a crowd of 6 girls who ive been friends with for between 15-20 years. We only meet up/have any contact around 3 or 4 times a year due to geographics and family commitments but have shared holidays, weekends away and been to each other's weddings and I consider them all close friends despite not seeing one another all the time. So, after my mum passed away I texted one of the girls who happened to have sent me a text a couple of days previously to tell her the sad news and ask her to let the others know. Subsequently, I received either a text, email or card from all but 2 of these girls. I am struggling to understand why 2 friends who themselves come from very close families don't even acknowledge that a friend has had such a significant loss. One part of me is cross that I'm even wasting my emotions on this but it seems to be adding to my feelings of 'what's life all about'. I actually feel like I never want anything to do with either of them again but perhaps that's my grief talking. X

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 27/07/2015 22:47

I'm sorry for your loss Thanks

Is it possible she didn't actually text everyone? Maybe they didn't actually get a text?


cleanmyhouse · 27/07/2015 22:51

I lost a very old friend for exactly this reason when my brother died. I'll never get past how unsupportive she was.

Sadly, some people will never understand loss until it happens to them and can be dismissive. Some just don't know how to deal with it and bury their head in the sand. Whatever the reason, it really hurts when a friend isn't there for you at such a significant time.

I'm sorry for your loss.


Seriouslyffs · 27/07/2015 22:51

I'm sorry for your loss. I think it's the grief talking. Many things could have happened- the original friend could have missed them off the list, or texted an old number or they could have sent a card wrongly addressed or to the wrong address. They may even have misunderstood the relayed message as a 'give F123 some space. You could now contact the missing friends yourself- 'How are you? Did you hear about my Mum, I'm absolutely devastated.'
(((Look after yourself)))


cuntycowfacemonkey · 27/07/2015 22:52

Can you confirm with your friend that the others definately got the message about your mum? It would be awful if you were feeling so hurt and it turned out to be a miscommunication.

If they have been told yet haven't got in touch then I do think that is shameful of them. Sometimes people are so bad at not knowing what to say they somehow think it's better to avoid it altogether, which of course is very wrong.

Sorry that you have lost your mum in such awful circumstances Flowers


PtolemysNeedle · 27/07/2015 22:58

The grief is making you focus on this and give the lack of acknowledgement from these two friends more attention than it deserves, but that's totally understandable.

The small minority of people who don't say anything do stand out at times like this in my experience. Some people just really don't have a clue what to do or say, it doesn't make them bad people, it usually means that they're overtaken by their own fear about doing or saying the wrong thing. But really it wouldn't matter what they said as long as they said something.

I'm so sorry you lost your Mum. Cancer is truly shit. Flowers


Mermaidhair · 27/07/2015 23:04

I'm so sorry you are going through this. A death will show you who your real friends are. My gorgeous dh passed away early last year and it was upsetting knowing the people who did not and still not have bothered to make contact. This is assuming your friends got the message. I know it's hard, but try not to dwell on it to much. I'm sure this happens to most people who a loved one dies. Flowers for you


Seriouslyffs · 27/07/2015 23:08

Just contact them directly. They might have wrongly thought you needed space, they might not have heard, but you don't need the drama. Just get in touch yourself.


RosePetels · 27/07/2015 23:11

Sorry for your lose op Flowers
My mum died in April very unsuspected. None of my so called friends have been there for me, one even continued to talk about her stupid affair she's having at work like I really give a shit!
When something like this happens you see who your real friends are.
I cut off a lot of people, blocked and deleted don't have time. Fuck them.


Dynomite · 27/07/2015 23:21

They genuinely might interpret that text that you need space. You need to contact them yourself and only then see what they do/say
So very sorry for your loss, OP.


Frustrated123 · 27/07/2015 23:32

I did actually send the girl I messaged originally another text at the weekend asking if she had let all of the girls know as I hadn't heard X and X.
She confirmed that she had and said that one of them had text her back! Oh well, I really do have much better things to focus on at the moment and I'm an eternal optimist so will try to give the benefit of the doubt for now. Thank you all so much for your messages of support, 'tis truly the shittiest of times .xx

OP posts:

wigglesrock · 27/07/2015 23:33

I'm so very sorry for your loss, you must miss your mum terribly. To be honest a very close relative of mine went through a very similar thing when her husband died suddenly. It was dreadful for her, she was so hurt. Some of her friends/work colleagues were brilliant, people that she didn't maybe know that well. Some of her very close friends just didn't bother with her. In the end, it's been 18 months now, she has cut contact with them - she just couldn't get past it.
Take care of yourself, it's a very sad time for you.


WheresMrMonkey · 27/07/2015 23:43

So sorry
It's a poor excuse but know that some people just don't know what to say and leave it too long and then find it awkward to contact?


LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/07/2015 23:47

I'm so sorry you lost your mum, Frustrated123. I wonder if the lack of acknowledgement comes from the concept of texting for something that is so sad. I would NEVER send condolences by text, even if the news had come via that method.

There was nothing to stop them sending you a card and/or some flowers. Perhaps they just felt very 'deer in the headlights' and just did nothing as an option rather than being proactively supportive. I'm sure they are truly sorry for your loss as much as the other friends are - they've just failed to openly demonstrate that to you.

People are odd with death sometimes, they just don't know how to deal with it so do nothing for fear of doing the wrong thing.


Morganly · 27/07/2015 23:55

It's difficult to know what to do when someone has suffered a loss. Sometimes, people don't want to intrude and are worried that bombarding the bereaved with messages is not helpful and think that you might need a bit of time to concentrate on family and the funeral etc. Also, I am a bit suspicious of the gushy rushers in who sometimes get a bit of a thrill out of being over involved in someone else's tragedy.

When my Dad died, the best thing that a friend at work did for me was to talk to me about work and kind of hold off all the people who were itching to hug me and talk to me about my bereavement which would have reduced me to tears at the time. She didn't text or phone immediately after his death but she was brilliant when I went back to work and I was very grateful to her.


AlwaysSpoiled34 · 27/07/2015 23:56

I am sorry for your loss, some people don't know how to be supportive.


Fatmomma99 · 28/07/2015 01:28

I am also sorry for your loss. Flowers

I think people often don't "know" how to behave or what to say, so they do nothing. It's not malicious or nasty, but they see it as giving you space, or being uncomfortable and not wanting to do the wrong thing.

When I was 17 (a million years ago), my boyfriend's grand-dad (on his dad's side) died of cancer on a Friday night. It wasn't unexpected, but it was sad. My boyfriend's dad always went out with his mates on a Friday night. He umm'd and err'd about whether or not to go out like he always would, and in the end, he went. I was REALLY shocked he went out, because I was brought up in a religion which has rituals around death, and NO WAY would someone 'go out' for a night with their mates unless they were making a statement. (I say again, I was only 17!).

When I told my mum, she said that for CofE people, there's no hard and fast rules like there were for us, and so they don't know what to do in a situation like that. And, actually, my bf's dad prob got a lot of support from his friends, and had an opportunity to let off some steam (i.e. grief) and toast his dad. Plus a bit of normality in an abnormal situation would have been very comforting to him. And a way for his friends to support him too.

So I really, really learned from that, and don't judge what people do around death. It's a horrible time, and leaves those around unsure what to do for the best. NO ONE wants to be the one who gets it wrong, and - often - doing nothing is perceived as being better than putting a foot in it.

When my DD died, we got lots of cards saying things like "I'm praying for you" and people said that to my face too. But my dad was an atheist (despite being born of a religion albeit one that is a minority in this country). He would have HATED being prayed for. So the people who said that, it was more about them than him. But I did recognize that they were reaching out to me/us/him. And that was the important thing, I think.


lunalelle · 28/07/2015 01:39

I think some people do not know what to say. Especially if they have never experienced a 'significant death'.

My father died ten years ago, and some people avoided me afterwards. I found the most comfort in people who had experienced a similar loss. Get in touch with them, if you want to. They may well be waiting for you to take the lead in how much contact you want.

As an aside, three weeks after my dad passed was one of the hardest times. All the official stuff had died down and the family had gone home, and there was just life as usual, except it wasn't, and it really hurt. You might feel like this as well.


Frustrated123 · 28/07/2015 09:57

Thank you all and sorry for all of you who have suffered a loss too. I am going to try and put it out of my mind now as it's not doing me any good worrying about it. Most friends have been absolutely lovely, if a couple fall by the wayside over this then so be it. Xx

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?