To not always want to take autistic sibling out?

[80srockheart]

My brother is in his 30s (as am I) and is autistic but fairly high functioning.

However a combination of a lack of local support and a certain pig headedness which may or may not be his condition means he has never held down a job, doesn't really have any friends and so on.

So he stays in a dark gloomy grubby house day after day. I feel so sorry for him.

Problem is I can't do anything without feeling he should come - visits to the cinema and shopping and coffee and he always has to come.

Sometimes I want to see my friends without him!

AIBU? Bearing in mind if he doesn't go out with me he doesn't go out.

Aw is he thats a shame why dont you get him to look for something he wants to do and he is taking you out rather than you taking him out iyswim. It just sounds hard for you but i agree with other posters its ok to do seperate things with your friends and not feel guilty.

YANBU. You need your own social life or else you'll crack.

Op have you looked into Special Olympics? It's not about the elite, all the athletes can compete at their appropriate level and so on. World games currently happening in LA if your brother wanted to investigate and see if it interests him. I don't know about boxing (I'm a winter sports person), but definitely swimming is provided for.

Stop beating yourself up, you sound like an amazing sister!

Yes she does sound an amazing sister

Can you look into whats available for him locally, social stuff? And then maybe help him to try them out with the angle of him doing these things independently? Would he accept help from others as a way to doing more to combat the loneliness?

Thank you

I try to take him to things but I work full time so it can be hard fitting a social life for me and for him as well as relaxation time into my week!

I think you should designate (sp) days for him say a tuesday /sunday or something a routine that suits you mainly so you are not exhausting yourself I know that sounds harsh and he is your brother but you seem to be tying yourself up in knots.

Think wjat mrsjay says is good!

Lovely that you're supportive!

He sees himself as somone who doesn't need support - but he clearly does! You are giving him a lot arent you?

I don't feel you are doing him any favours-he's having a social life handed to him- you need to find ways where he can develop his own group of friends. Difficult i know especially as he'll press your buttons as he's your loved brother amd you wamt to help!

Have you come across Meetup. Com? An online place for various groups who then meet in real life-anything from language learning to debating groups to climbung groups. He may find a group with similar interests there. You could even go to rje first meets til he settles in?

80srockheart - you sound a lovely sister. I have an LD sister-in-law and I have seen the problems close up, but am slightly removed emotionally. I think that years ago, parents did not get much support with LD children, there was something of a stigma around then and the parents had to find their own way through. If your brother is fairly high-functioning the temptation might have been to deny that he had many difficulties and treat him as if he was "normal". IME the person can then start expecting to be able to do what everyone else does easily when in practice it is difficult or impossible for them to do so. This can then lead to loneliness and emotional problems because they are not accepting the way they are or that they actually need any support. The burden then falls on the family, which seems to be happening to you.

I agree with those who have said that you need to set boundaries around when you can see him and do things with him. You need time to yourself and time with your own friends or you might well end up resentful of all the demands he is making on you, which will not help you or him in the long run. If he says he is lonely you could say in a matter of fact tone that he seems to be spending a lot of time at home on his own and he might be happier if he went to a club or tried to meet people to make friends with.

Sometimes people need to be shown that they do have choices and they have to improve things for themselves. Often, in the past, they may have been pitied and treated a bit like children who have no responsibility for their own lives - not good for an adult who is intelligent and can manage a lot independently. In the long run doing everything for him will do him no favours at all. It is not easy for the family, as I well know, but we have found this approach effective. We all have our own lives and my s-in-law has to be encouraged to have a life of her own. In practice the more we do for and with her, the less likely she is to make an effort for herself. I feel that this may well be true of your brother. Hope this helps a bit.

Thank you all so much for your kind comments.

He needs support in being independent but although he will pay me lip service he doesn't actually act on any suggestions to meet people or do stuff he might enjoy (he's under no obligation to obviously!)

I'll keep trying :)

Do try the Meetup site-also an app:

Here's an example of some different stuff happening in Bristol as an example - no idea where you are in the country!

www.meetup.com/find/events/