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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel intimidated all the time

26 replies

iheartstarbucks · 26/07/2015 10:09

I feel so rubbish. I feel bullied by everybody, at home and at work.

How can I be one of those confident people who just seem to get on with shit, I am rubbish?

OP posts:
kiwimumof2boys · 26/07/2015 10:35

No advice sorry but following as I have similar issues.
Hopefully someone can come on soon with some MN wisdom

Original poster
iheartstarbucks · 26/07/2015 10:38

Someone I work with swears at me all the time, why do I put up with this?

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 26/07/2015 10:42

Probably because you're scared of conflict and you would rather be sworn at than stand up to them and say do not swear at me. Because you fear not being liked, or someone being cross with you and you make the choices that are least frightening for you.

I am NOT saying that in a judgemental way! I'm saying that in a 'been there done that worn the tshirt and taken it off when someone told me to' way Grin

I grew up with a TREMENDOUS fear of conflict, need to appease others and have everyone like me. It's a long long journey to get to a place where you say actually, it's ok if someone is annoyed or if they don't like me. I'm not jumping for joy about it but I can be ok with it.

Original poster
iheartstarbucks · 26/07/2015 10:46

The stupid thing is I don't care if people don't like me or not, I just hate feeling scared all the time. I don't even know what I'm scared of.

OP posts:
yellowvan · 26/07/2015 10:49

You sound anxious and on high alert. Have you been to gp? Have you had counselling? I also suffer from the fear, but take ads to keep it under control.

Original poster
iheartstarbucks · 26/07/2015 10:50

I've had counselling but i still feel so uncomfortable and stupid socially.

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 26/07/2015 10:53

well, then maybe that's your starting point.

Find out what is at the root of your fear.

you're not afraid of conflict? So it's not fear of getting into an argument. you don't care if they don't like you? so it's not fear of how they will think or feel about you.

Have you ever tried walking through the situation that causes you fear?

The person is swearing at you. You tell them to stop - then what happens?

Play it out in your mind. What happens? How does it go? How do you feel?

What will happen to you if you stand up for yourself?

Once you understand what you are afraid of, you can begin to work out how to manage your fear.

FenellaFellorick · 26/07/2015 10:54

x post - do you feel that perhaps it's a social skills issue? Or assertiveness?

Original poster
iheartstarbucks · 26/07/2015 10:58

I don't know what it is.

I am just sick of hearing the word fuck.

But I can't find the words to think how to say 'stop swearing!' without sounding ridiculous!

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 26/07/2015 10:59

why do you think the words stop swearing are ridiculous?

Original poster
iheartstarbucks · 26/07/2015 11:00

It would start a row

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 26/07/2015 11:06

so is that what you are afraid of? conflict?

FenellaFellorick · 26/07/2015 11:06

does your company have HR?

Gruntfuttock · 26/07/2015 11:09

Who is bullying you at home?

breakfastinbread · 26/07/2015 12:03

Sorry you're feeling like this.

My only advice is "Fake it till you make it."

That's not me being glib at all. Research has shown if you ACT confident you BECOME confident. Have a check of some TED talks. (Life hacks especially on YouTube or Netflix- there was one in particular that I will post if I can remember the name of it). It's my mantra anyway.

Flowers
ilovesooty · 26/07/2015 12:14

If you have a dignity at work policy you could look at that. Why was your counselling unsuccessful in helping you to address your issues?

Original poster
iheartstarbucks · 26/07/2015 12:23

Everyone would hate me & think I was a troublemaker. Sooty I don't know sorry I should have asked

OP posts:
miffytherabbit3 · 26/07/2015 12:28

Well if I worked with you and someone who was swearing all the time I wouldn't hate you for asking them to stop, I would be grateful to you.

ilovesooty · 26/07/2015 12:32

It isn't a question of you asking - I wondered how you felt your counselling was unhelpful. Was it through your GP or private?

Of course no one is a troublemaker if they object to being abused at work.

Original poster
iheartstarbucks · 26/07/2015 12:37

Oh it was helpful but we only had 6 sessions & I felt like there was other stuff that was more important to me at the time? Does that make sense?

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 26/07/2015 12:37

You afraid of conflict and actually do want people to like you, IMO, but maybe you're just not aware of that fact or that's not what it looks like to you at the moment. It's ok, it's quite a common affliction, especially in women.

I've suffered badly. I got through it by practising leaving it when I was desperate to fix things by explaining, appeasing and apologising. Gradually that progressed to being able to say, please do not swear at me, I don't like it and it's not acceptable for you to do that to me (to use an example). It gets easier as you do it more often and you become more assertive.

HolgerDanske · 26/07/2015 12:38

Sorry, *you are

NewFlipFlops · 26/07/2015 13:07

If the person just swears a lot, ignore it. If they swear AT YOU, say "stop swearing AT ME".

Do not waste pleases, thank yous and sorries on rude people; save them for neutral and nice people.

Don't apologise for things that aren't your fault or are outside your control.
E.g. if you are going to be late for work because the train breaks down, say "the train has broken down, I'll be in as soon as possible".

Don't cry in public and don't shout.

Good luck, assertiveness is empowering.

Original poster
iheartstarbucks · 26/07/2015 13:13

I just stuck up for myself!

OP posts:
WhatifIdid · 26/07/2015 13:21

What happened?