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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be uncomfortable with this - teenage boyfriend/girlfriend

50 replies

froggyjump · 24/07/2015 17:24

the parents of my DS1's 14 year old girlfriend have invited him to stay with them for 3 days during the holidays. DS is 16, and the two of them met online (a shared interest site, not any kind of dating thing). They have met once in RL, for a few hours at a shopping centre. The family live 2 hours away from us, and her parents have offered to come and get DS, and bring him back later.

I'm really not happy with this, and have said no. My DH is non committal and DS is obviously not happy with me.

What do you all think?

OP posts:

YeOldeTrout · 24/07/2015 20:06

I'd be on the fence.

Chipshopninja · 24/07/2015 20:15

You're absolutely sure the parents have made the invite?

Unless you've spoken to them directly how can you be sure the kids haven't made it up, and would be spending 3 nights alone?

The classic "I'm sleeping over at my friends house...friends has told her parents she's sleeping here"

I'm probably over thinking it a bit tbh

Original poster

froggyjump · 24/07/2015 20:21

ninja the parents were coming to pick him up, so that isn't the main worry. I only have boys, but can't imagine why they want to invite a 16 yr old boy they have met for about 15 mins, and their daughter has spent 3 hours with in RL, to stay with them for 3 days. Possibly, as a PP said, they want to keep an eye on things, but I'd still be happier with some day trips for now.

OP posts:

MrsBojingles · 24/07/2015 20:36

No way. They've met once?

yorkshapudding · 24/07/2015 21:01

I wouldn't be comfortable with this. You don't know the parents so you have no idea what kind of environment your son would be in. For example, they may have very different opinions to you when it comes to issues such as underage drinking, what constitutes adequate supervision for teenagers etc. I'm surprised they are so thrilled about their 14 year old daughter entering into a relationship with an older boy she met online. I'm not sure I would share their enthusiasm if I was in their shoes. If they think you are trying to sabotage the relationship it will only make them more determined to be together. I would be telling DS that it's the fact that you don't know the parents that concerns you and that it's nothing personal against his girlfriend. I would show willingness to facilitate some more day trips, maybe invite the parents over etc. but make it clear that over night visits would not be happening until ALL the parents feel comfortable with the arrangements.

TheReason · 24/07/2015 21:16

No way
I think it's odd of the parents to invite a boy who they don't really know - and who is 2 yrs older than their 14 yr old daughter. 14 is still very young.

ReginaBlitz · 24/07/2015 21:16

Yabu for letting your son have an underage girlfriend. The parents of the girl are just plain stupid

Mistigri · 24/07/2015 21:17

Do you know anything about the parents? The fact that they are doing the inviting is reasonably reassuring I think though as a pp said you might want to encourage some day trips first.

My 14 year old daughter has just come back from a 2 week residential and is already asking about going to Paris alone to see a boyfriend she met there ... if they stay in touch and if the parents agree then I would let her (he is 18 months older than her). Although I don't know the parents I have met the boyfriend and his older sister and you can tell a lot about parents from their adolescent children.

Purplepoodle · 24/07/2015 21:23

What does your son say?

My first instinct us that he parents want to suss your son out in a controlled environment.

I'd be happier with some day meetings first. They are both old enough to get a train or bus and meet in a town in the middle then go to cinema ect

badg3r · 24/07/2015 21:34

No way. Regardless of the gf, I would be incredibly wary of sending him away to somewhere miles away for three nights, in the sole care of adults you know nothing about.

Snoozebox · 24/07/2015 21:50

I would speak to the parents. This is what my DM did when a boyfriend's family - again met him online - invited me to stay - we were both 16 at the time and she would have rather we didn't meet, but after speaking to them on the phone she was a bit more reassured.

lemoncurd20 · 24/07/2015 22:09

Very odd - I wouldn't want to go and stay with someone I'd met once, let alone a young lad do it (but he's 16 so not too young, it's more the girl that's the issue and the fact they don't know each other).

DixieNormas · 24/07/2015 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mewkins · 24/07/2015 23:33

Lemoncurd, they probably feel they know each other very well if they spend several hours each day chatting online!

Mumbehavingbadly · 25/07/2015 03:49

Teenagers in the first flush of lust love can lose their otherwise common sense - it's a biological thing, their brains are hormoned up to rebel and take risks, they can behave wildly out of character. The surest way to guarantee teenagers do anything (that you'd rather they didn't) is to say that they can't do it.

It's not a modern phenomenon. One summer a 14 yo school friend of mine 'ran away' to Minehead for a week to be with a boy she'd met on holiday with her parents at butlins - they'd said he couldn't visit for the weekend. And both my DDs have had friends embroiled in similar dramas - though none quite as dramatic as a week on the run. But all of them they went further with their 'relationship' than they would have if the parents had taken a different tack.

We got through this bit with pragmatism, rules and enforcing them with as much good humour as we could muster. If you make it all seem run of the mill it takes the hype out of it.

We made sure we spoke directly to parents involved and made our expectations clear whether there sons were staying at our house or daughters going to theirs.

We ran a 'doors open' policy and asked boys parents to do the same - not just for sleepover but at all times. That means not being left alone together in a room with the door closed. Young people that age will want to spend time alone to chat or snog a bit all day but they don't need the privacy afforded by a closed door because they should not be doing anything that they would be ashamed of anyone passing catching a glimpse of.

And they sleep in separate rooms - Strictly enforced. With a responsible adult around at all times day and night - engaging with them and supporting them by keeping everything relaxed.

I suspect this girls parents are taking this approach. Monitor and control. If I were them I'd be banking on 3 days together being probably just enough time for reality to kick in and kill off all the fantasy and hype that is probably building up.

araiba · 25/07/2015 03:57

what are you actually scared of?

they met online about a shared interest- most likely they spend the 3 days doing that shared activity

SanityClause · 25/07/2015 03:58

I think I'd be okay with this. I would want lots of contact details for the family, and for DS to have some kind of "escape plan" if it wasn't all going to plan (eg if they fell out or something like that).

Also, be very clear about underage sex, and the implications for him in his later life, and check the sleeping arrangements

LashesandLipstick · 25/07/2015 09:15

I'm gonna say YABU because myself and DP met in a similar way and he stayed at mine second time he'd ever properly met me. We were 18 and 20 though.

I don't know why people are so freaked out by meeting people online. If you meet someone in a bar, they could just as easily turn out to be hiding something the same way someone online could yet no one questions that...

scarlets · 25/07/2015 09:31

At 16, it's just about ok. I would worry about the age of the girl though, and how much supervision there would be. It's all very well being a right-on parent ("they'd do it anyway so it might as well be here") but it's your son who'd be breaking the law. If he's clear about that, maybe it'll be fine.

venetiaswirl · 25/07/2015 09:44

Don't do it OP. Unless it's a shared decision with a family that you know well, where your values are shared and you are confident that the adults will ensure that both will be safe, you are entrusting a 16 year old boy to make the right decisions in someone else's home who you don't know. It's the not knowing them that makes this risky! While I believe that young people need to take risks as they grow up as part of their learning, a 16 year old who gets it wrong with a 14 year old girl COULD result in serious charges made against him! You need to know a family before allowing this.
I know of too many 16 year olds who have had serious charges made against them when they've got it wrong with 14 & 15 year olds!

Kennington · 25/07/2015 09:51

The family are complete strangers

It may be unpleasant for you son once her is there

My parents would have said no and I would have thought this acceptable

Summeblaze · 25/07/2015 10:00

YANBU.

Me and DH got together when I was 14 and he was 15. Just because your DS is older than her doesn't mean they will be having sex. I was nearly 17 and DH almost 18 on out first time so we didn't even do the pouncing once I reached my sixteenth birthday thing. We waited until we were both ready.

However your DS doesn't know this girl much and her parents even less. I would be uncomfortable sending my dc on holiday with anyone they or I didn't know, regardless of how well they knew the dc going.

Summeblaze · 25/07/2015 10:06

And as someone who met their partner young, I wouldn't be bothered about my DD having a boyfriend at the same age as long as he was nice (but that would be the same no matter what age she was).

I didn't go through the getting off my face and going home with any old guy phase that my friends did. Sure I went out and enjoyed myself but didn't do anything I would class as dangerous. My mum was less bothered about me going out and about too as she knew he would look after me. Still does .

Original poster

froggyjump · 26/07/2015 15:50

well it has been decided - her parents are bringing her to our city for the day so they can spend some time together. I have also offered to go on another day to a city nearer to them so the teenagers can have another day together. I have told him that I'm not saying never, but not yet, so he seems to be ok with that (for now)

OP posts:

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 26/07/2015 17:35

DD1 is 13, I can't imagine making such an offer next year!!!

Meeting up for the day sounds much more like it.

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