To stop weekday contact

[spideymum]

I am at my wits end with my ex. Our breakup was quite messy with him just walking out of the house one day and leaving me with our son now 4. We have had conversations about us but I am trying to keep it separate from issues with access with our son.

We agreed that he would have our son for a few hours in the evening on Tuesdays and Thursdays and every other weekend this I think is a fair agreement and means my son doesn't go too long without seeing his Dad. I have been very ill in hospital ex didn't look after son and day I was admitted I was calling frantically as needed him to pick son up luckily my Mum sorted it. He also does not contribute regularly and I have been paying for 95% of my sons costs alone as well as arrears we had in the house. Bare with me just trying to provide context.

I went back to work on Monday and we swapped Tuesday evening for Wednesday so that I could attend a meal after work I am leaving and joining a new school. I was home by 9. Now on Thursday I reminded him he had to pick our son up from Nursery he was angry with me and said that now I am on holiday I should be doing the journey which is an hour altogether and I'm not doing enough to help him out I explained that I am not fully recovered (had meningitis) and fatigued so would appreciate if he picked him up on his days from nursery.

He caused such a fuss I ended up keeping my son with me and telling him to pick him up from home when he finished work. Things were not left on a sour note. He did not bother to see our son last night to message to say he wasn't coming or even call him to apologise. This is not the first time he has let him down the weekend I became ill I was at home in agony with my son because his Dad never turned up on Saturday and came on the Sunday. I'm getting tired of his inability to be reliable sp want to limit contact to every other weekend so that weekdays aren't spent with my son wondering what is happening and becoming anxious especially when he starts school in September.

I just don't know what to do and he plays on my emotions and guilt for not being the beat partner. I have another previous thread about this.

AIBU?

[spideymum]

Spoke to him and he said he tried calling but my phone went to voicemail which could have happened. He said he decided to work late as he knew I had our son. But really why decide to work late when you are meant to be seeing your child.

He has formed for working on Saturdays when he is meant to have our son. It upsets me so much because this is an ongoing issue we have had since our son was born and he would work irregular hours leaving me with son and dsd and then not understanding why I was annoyed.

Will give him one more chance next week I know he needs to sort himself out financially but tired of him having to sort himself out always meaning he dumps things on me like all the household bills when he left

[OrangeVase]

This about your son who has a right to see his father. It is not about you - difficult as that may be.

Your son is not your possession that you "allow" visits to - for a price and under conditions. He will only ever have one father. One. His own.

[muminhants1]

This about your son who has a right to see his father

Absolutely. And about a father who has an obligation to his son. if he needs collecting from nursery that is not a favour to his mother, it is because he is a parent and it is his responsibility.

What is wrong with people.

I would say that you need to sit down and talk to him - that if he says he is going to visit your son or take him out, he has to do it and CANNOT LET HIM DOWN. If he can't meet his obligations as a father, then he has some serious growing up to do.

[AlanPacino]

You haven't said anything about the relationship between your son and ex. Your desire to change contact should stem from that. Is he abusive to your son? It seems that you're desire to change contact stems from how let down you are about him not having ds more when you were ill, regardless of how wrong or right that was it wouldn't be fair to your son to curtail the access for this reason.

[rumbleinthrjungle]

Alan are you happy with the effect it has on a child and RP when a NRP turns up or does not turn up on a whim? Which incidentally assumes that the NRP will just drop all plans and commitments and continue to provide childcare to cover the RP's back?

Co parenting involves responsibilities on both sides. What responsibilities do you think the NRP has? Because you seem to expect the OP to just enable him and nobly shut up. And have warned her about court increasing his access if she tries to manage his messing his son about, when court has not even been mentioned and is not currently relevant, and the man won't even take the access he already has. Which is more than a court generally orders anyway.

[pickingstrawberries]

What is fair to the child and what is fair to the OP aren't two separate things, mutually exclusive.

It's the same in a relationship. If you are a dick to the child's mother (or father) you are being a dick to the child. A dick first removed maybe, but still a dick.

[spideymum]

They do have a good relationship which is why I don't want to stop them from seeing eachother that's not something I would do unless it was seriously damaging my son.

What I have an issue with is the letting him down which isn't good for any child. I am trying very hard to separate my own emotions about the relationship from contact. It's just frustrating that he feels he can continue to rely on me to sort everything that is inconvenient and boring I. E. finances getting him to and from nursery and only wants the fun stuff but can't even be bothered to turn up on time to do the fun stuff which has my son waiting around and leaves me not sure what to do with my own plans.

I'm just tired of everything being on his terms because he knows I want my son to have a good relationship with his Dad. He is not always consistent this is a man who left me in A and E alone with our son when he had a head injury while he was out partying with friends. I'm just tired of picking up his slack and my son waiting around and having promises broken to him. But I do appreciate reminders to remember not to let the stuff from our relationship cloud my judgement.

I haven't claimed for maintenance officially as he is self employed and hides his money.

[pickingstrawberries]

If he's hiding his money, it's not a good relationship.

You wouldn't hear a sahm saying 'well he won't let me eat anything but he's a good husband' would you?

[spideymum]

And it may seem petty but when I was sitting in hospital waiting for results from a lumbar puncture and calling him constantly to pick up our son from nursery and he couldn't be bothered to answer or even call until the next day yes I am angry and think he isn't showing sufficient commitment to our son unless it is convenient for him. I am paying for everything and he doesn't even bother to turn up when he says he will and insults me and tells me it's my own fault if i had been a better partner and done everything for him then I wouldn't be in this position now.

Even writing that just reminds me he is a dick. I won't stop weekday contact but if he doesn't stick to it properly over the summer I won't have him letting my son down when he starts reception and I have to organise my own time very carefully to be able to juggle all of the balls I have been left holding. It's not a good example to set our son.

[OrangeVase]

It must be really hard. Really hard. But when DS is older he will be able to judge his father on his own terms, he may even make your ex a better father. He will know him and will always be able to say, "My father/dad is... said... does...likes..." He will know him. (One day he might need him)

Kids need fathers, (obviously not if abusive but you haven't indicated that). What if some thing happened to you? What if you get together with someone else and have DS together - and your new DS has a dad and DS doesn't?

You sound really caring - and you have to be the better, bigger person. Good luck

[amarmai]

op maybe better for your son not to be expecting his f to arrive and then when he does- it's a nice surprise and not the opposite letdown. You will know what the schedule is supposed to be, but keep it to yourself.

[OhPillocks]

Oh he sounds like an idiot.

One thing though is that I don't think it's necessary for your son to feel abandoned or let down if his dad does t show up even if it's because his Dad is feckless. Can't you just tell him you are not sure what evenings your ex will be coming so that your son isn't disappointed and sad. I know you should not have to cover for your ex but it would be kinder for your son not to know quite what an idiot his dad is. There is plenty of time for him to work that out in the future.

Btw I think it would be a good plan to keep a of everything that your ex does (or doesn't do)

[partialderivative]

Zombie thread?