I don't know how to get out of it though, without rocking the boat.
We have been separated for a year, following his infidelity and absolutely shitty treatment of me. Since he went, he continues to look after our dc before and after school (was a sahd before) and has walked away from the marriage with nothing financially, while I stay with the dc in the family home. This was all his choice, as I wanted to work on the marriage and he didn't, though he is not living with her now. He pays £80 per month for the dc, direct to the childminder we use in the morning.
He also has MS and last week had his first relapse since we split. He is on the mend now, but has lost work and money (temp contracts). While he was ill, I picked him up and brought him back here several times to see the dc. It's not that far, but, tbh, I resented the petrol money and the fact that he had meals while here. I know this is petty, and I said nothing, but it's how I felt.
We haven't seen him since Monday as I told him I'd like a few days with the dc to relax (I'm a teacher, so just broke up) but told him to contact us later in the week - like today. On Weds some tickets (could tell) came for him and he texted me asking if post had come. I was out at the time but told him I thought tickets had come and he said he'd come and pick them up. So he was recvered enough to drive then and had bought some tickets for something while having spent the grand total of £1.99 on d2's b/d present last week 
.
Today I asked him when he was planning to come and se the dc (he has nowhere to take them so always comes here) and, after prompting said he would come 'lunchtime' with his dad. His dad lives a 90 minute drive away, so don't know (or care) why he's around - h has nowhere to put him up, but I don't want him here for lunch, or at all. He is a nice man, but I don't want to be hostess and polite and basically feel uncomfortable I my own home while I am supposed to be on holiday. One of h's many 'issues' with me was that I wasn't 'open' enough with his family, and I know it will result in hostility if I tell him it doesn't suit me. H is also cat-sitting my cats next week while dc and I are away.
FFS. AIBU to think he should not put me in this position. It almost feels like a test.
AIBU?
To not want to give ex and ex-fil lunch tomorrow?
thinkingmakesitso · 23/07/2015 21:12
Well I am a bit taken aback by some of these replies, tbh. In fact, I nearly spat my tea out at mention of his generosity in cat-sitting! It will mean he gets to stay here, instead of living like a 46 yr old student like he does most of the time, and, yes, he owes me. However, I get that it makes things complicated and sort of means I owe him, so I won't ask again after this holiday.
He's not doing me any favours either by looking after his own children in the mornings and afternoons so that I can work and earn the money to support them. If they had to rely on his income, their standard of living would plummet. I am utterly stunned that someone actually said that I am 'lucky' he wants to be so involved with his own children. FFS, who actually thinks like this?
I know my resentment over running him around when he was ill makes me look a bitch, but after all he's done, it's not surprising, I know it was necessary to enable the dc to see him and that's why I did it with no complaint.
He has taken the piss massively over the last couple of months with helping himself to food/meals when he is here, which is not part of our agreement. He pays the money to the c/m and, if we don't use her due to his not working, he obviously doesn't pay (she's not a c/m really, just a school mum) so his costs are minimal. He pays nothing else, no clothing, summer stuff, just tickets to sporting events for ds1, so it's not equitable with ds2 even. He works through agencies and has worked I would say about 80% of weeks since he moved out, but the money can't be that great, and yet he has gone abroad for a week to visit a friend earlier in this year, leaving me to sort childcare, and plans a similar trip in September. Won't go in the summer as it's too expensive, again, gets to act like a part-time parent. Would I go on foreign holidays while paying fuck all to my dc? Would I fuck.
He is a selfish bastard and I am glad I ended up telling him not to come today.
Phew - that feels better. I have stopped boring people in rl with this shit, but it does feel good to vent 
.
I'm gobsmacked at some of these comments 
So the ex has had an affair, aside from childcare that he routinely did has fucked off and left op and the DC to sort themselves out, pays a minimal amount, fucks off on holiday whenever he wants, treats the DC unequally, helps himself to meals etc when in the house, invites his dad round without even discussing it with op, expects her to ferry him about to facilitate contact and generally takes the fucking piss?
Yet op is the one who is being unreasonable because she asks him to facilitate a holiday with the DC and, for once, help out on her terms?
Fucking hell I've heard it all now. Do some posters want the op to get "mug" tattooed on her forehead, just so it's absolutely crystal clear? Or should she just lie at the front door, ready to be walked over?
Sorry you're not getting the support you obviously need, hope you're ok op x
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Just wanted to thank the supportive posters just upthread- you have restored my faith in MN 
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Duchdaemon I hardly think it was dripfeeding - I stated in the OP he had an affair and treated me like shit in the aftermath - how much more negative than that does behaviour get 
? Simply adding extra information as the thread progresses isn't always dripfeeding; you can't put everything in the OP or no one would ever read to the end of one.
Goshithighuphere We are married so my understanding is there is no point in having him removed from the mortgage as our marital status would over-ride this. He offered to do it, but I said there was no point. I know he could move back in legally, but I don't see what that had to do with my dilemma. I can't just let him walk all over me in case he starts being even more of a cunt than he has been already, can I?
I am sorry if my post came across as unsupportive. I wasn't referring to childcare when I mentioned favours, that's obviously a joint responsibility, but the cat-sitting and anything else like that is a "favour". It's the least he can do, but he probably sees it as a reciprocal arrangement.
I meant boundary-setting for your own benefit, not to free him of responsibility. You'd have to find someone else to cat-sit, but in return you could restrict your contact with him to just drop-off/collection of the children, and never have him in your house expecting food or bringing his relatives to visit.
He sounds like a twat, and I can understand resenting him. You're not a bitch for that. You were in a difficult position, as he would have previously depended on you for help in that situation. I think that would be another reason to draw up boundaries now though. Then he can get used to it and find alternative sources of support before he has another relapse.
I also agree that it might be a good idea to have more official arrangements for money given that he seems to have rather skewed priorities 
Anyway, I'm sorry if my post was one of the ones that upset you. I'm glad that you avoided this visit, and I hope that you are able to come to an arrangement that works best for you and your family 
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