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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make DDs carry on sharing a bedroom when we move house

23 replies

nickEcave · 22/07/2015 14:58

More of a WWYD? We will be moving from a 2 bed to a 3 bed house soon. DDs are 8 and 5 and have always shared a room. DD1 is really looking forward to getting her own room but DD2 is a creature of routine, is not keen on the move anyway and doesn't want to be on her own. ABIU to make them carry on sharing a room, at least for a few months whilst DD2 adjusts to the new surroundings even though DD1 will be really disappointed?

A bit of background, DD2 didn't sleep through the night until she was 3 and has never slept in a room on her own. Her sleeping now is fine but I'm terrified she'll regress if I make her go in a room on her own. Friends have said I should bite the bullet and put them in their own rooms as soon as we move to get it over and done with but it feels a bit unkind when DD2 is already distressed about the move. BTW we are only moving a short distance and they will continue at same school so not a huge upheaval, but DD2 really really hates change!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 22/07/2015 15:00

Get them to share whilst you decorate a new room for DD1?

OhYouBadBadKitten · 22/07/2015 15:02

I think that as it is going to be a painful change I would do it all at once, as it may actually be harder once she is settled into the new house. I would take her to the shop and let her choose a big cuddly, if you aren't inundated with them already.
It would seem a little mean to your dd1 to have to keep being dd2s comforter.

PoppyBlossom · 22/07/2015 15:08

Better to have one big transition and get it over with. You can make it exciting that she gets to choose exactly how her bedroom will be, just as dd1 will.

Your eldest shouldn't be an emotional crutch for your youngest, it's only going to lead to resentment.

enderwoman · 22/07/2015 15:09

Making them share is delaying the inevitable. It's not fair on dd1 and won't dd2 worry about how many days there are until she is separated from her sister?

Original poster
nickEcave · 22/07/2015 15:12

Just to be clear, they would move to their own rooms eventually - one of the reasons for the move is so that can happen in the future. DD1 also knows that she might have to go on sharing a room in the short term whilst we sort the house out.

OP posts:
Mutt · 22/07/2015 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MameHootieBench · 22/07/2015 15:14

Is there any way you could engineer it so that DD2 gets to 'choose' which room she has?

ProvisionallyAnxious · 22/07/2015 15:22

As an adult who hates change I would think it would be best to get all the change over and done with in one go. Otherwise your DD2 will experience all the anxiety of moving house, then finally settle into her new room with her sister, then have to deal with the same process (of worrying about change) all over again with the change in sleeping arrangements.

SweetSorrow · 22/07/2015 15:25

Bite the bullet and do it all in one go. I think it's much more difficult for her to have to adjust more than once and totally unfair on DD1 for her not to be allowed her own space.

Dynomite · 22/07/2015 15:49

1 ) it would be very unfair to make DD1 do something she doesn't want, that isn't necessary and is only going to teach her that her needs come second to DD2. As a PP said you would make dd1 to be dd2's emotional crutch. That is unfair and will lead to a lot of resentment.
And what if Dd2 starts crying, being all agitated in the night because of the house move? You're gonna make DD1 put up with it even though she could be sleeping in her own room? Fine if you don't have the space but not if you do.

  1. I also agree it will make it harder for DD2 to settle in the long term because you will just be prolonging the difficulty - first the house move, then being alone in the room.
MammaTJ · 22/07/2015 16:50

Sorry, but DD2s sleep is your responsibility not your DD1's.

Let DD1 have her own room, that she is so looking forward to. DD2 will soon adjust and you can 'sell' it to her with the things that DD1 is looking forward to about her own room so much!

meadowquark · 22/07/2015 17:00

My DSs aged 7 and 4 continue to share the room as we moved from 2 bed to 3 bed, because the 3rd bedroom is designated for an aupair and will be until DS1 is 12. I keep thinking how to separate space for Dc in their bedroom, but otherwise they have no other choice so they do not complain.

2rebecca · 22/07/2015 17:06

As an eldest child I think it's unfair to not let your older daughter have her own room just because her younger sister is clingy. I would stress positive things about having her own room to the younger one and discuss decorating it/ having more space etc.
If I'd been forced to share with my younger sister when there was a spare room just because she didn't want to be alone I suspect I'd have tried to ensure she realised being with me had down sides and maybe being on her own would have advantages (we used to fight when younger but get on well now). I see no advantage in making your older daughter resent her sister and start seeing her as a millstone.

florentina1 · 22/07/2015 18:15

My eldest was 6 when we moved and was very stressed When we moved from a flat to a house. Going 'upstairs' to bed while we were downstairs was just one of his fears. But facing up to your fears is a big part of growing up. I would try to make the new room as cocoon-like as possible, letting her choose her own things as others as said.

I don't think it is fair on the older one to make her share.

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 22/07/2015 18:20

I think you are BU to make your dd 1 share against her will for DD's sake tbh (and I also have a youngest who didn't sleep through til he was 3 and still doesn't always at 4 - he slept best in with his brother but it wasn't fair as he was waking ds1 at 5am to play and ds1 had school). You'll be giving your dd 1 the message that dd2 comes first, which really isn't fair at all.

googoodolly · 22/07/2015 18:26

YABU. It's not your eldest's responsibility to make sure your younger one sleeps through!

mileend2bermondsey · 22/07/2015 18:29

Yes YABU to your DD1. Why should she be forced to be DD2's nanny when she is so excited to have her own room? If youre that bothered about DD2 not being able to sleep alone, share your room with her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2015 18:49

YABU. It sounds a bit like you are using DD1 to deal with DD2's issues rather than you dealing with them.

FWIW DD woke every two hours until 2 so I know the pain of it.

Tryingtokeepalidonit · 22/07/2015 19:48

I think you need to focus on building resilience in DD2. Try to involve her in her new room and encourage her in the idea that change can be good. Otherwise you will have problems when you eventually move DD1 and will have resentment from both. Good luck!

honeyroar · 22/07/2015 19:52

I think you should do it in one go. Leave the doors poem onto the landing and the landing lights on, so they can talk to each other and DD2 can hear her?

The5DayChicken · 22/07/2015 20:10

All at once. DD1 has obviously been told at some point that the new place is big enough for her to have own room. It'd be really unfair to go back on that now, especially when DD2 will eventually have to deal with sleeping in a separate room anyway.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 22/07/2015 20:12

Not fair to DD1 to make her share with DD2. Sounds like you might be over-babying DD2 at the expense of DD1.

grumpysquash · 22/07/2015 23:03

Give them their own rooms, but suggest that they can have 'sleepovers' if they both want it on the same night.

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