To hate the way I look, and hate the fact I care?

[feelrubbish2015]

This is a hopelessly self-indulgent thread, and I will admit that from the start, so please, please don't be personally horrible even if you feel the need to give me a kick (kicks are fine by the way!) Oh, and I've name changed.

I can't say I've ever been hugely confident in how I look (who is) and I have always had things I wanted to change, but I've had an ongoing battle with my weight since having DC1 and whilst I've never gone absolutely hugely enormous, I have certainly been a lot bigger than I should have been - peaked at 12 and a half stone (am 5'3) but did manage to lose it all.

Two subsequent pregnancies and I'm fat again.

I know I can lose it. But part of me wonders what the point even is as I never look nice anyway. My hair used to be lovely. Long and thick and strong and fair. Now it's just messy. The more I spend on it, the worse it looks. My face is awful. Resting bitch face looks worse with puffed out cheeks and a double chin, and I've got spots and scarring and long pube-like hairs that grow sporadically from my NECK. I have thick eyebrows that knit together when I'm concentrating (the number of times I've given myself a shock when reading on a screen ...)

I just look scruffy and feel uncomfortable whatever I wear. I live in leggings and t-shirts.

I've got a horrible feeling I will embarrass my children through looking so scowly and frumpy and horrible. There are barely any photos of me with them as I hate how I look. Also, I don't know if anyone else has experienced this but I've got really, really sweaty lately. I barely used to sweat at all but I'm noticing a need to shower more than once a day - will put it that way! Obviously it's easily dealt with; I hate the fact I have to though.

I feel like I've almost got to the point where I can't imagine being any other way. The frustrating thing is my looks disguise who I am.

I've got no confidence at all.

I hate mirrors, cameras, clothes, makeup and cosmetics. And I used to love them.

Talk some sense into me. Please.

Re: hair, what kind of hair have you got naturally, OP? I can advise re: the nightmare that is fine, straight hair and maybe others can help with curls etc.

So the way you think you look is down to you. The way others think you look is down to them. And who are you to judge how they may think you look - or if they even care.

I've got no confidence at all this if anything may affect how you present your soul to the rest of us.

I am butt ugly, by some peoples standards, yes I get that, and beautiful by others - I have definitely got that too! Ultimately I am what I am and I have a lot to offer and DP is significantly younger and certainly handsome, but well the choice wasn't mine. And we are still both here.

Don't taint your soul by worrying about your looks. Laugh and engage your eyes with all you meet and keep smiling. You will be loved.

Thanks for your nice words :) I can assure you all, running is out, however! I just can't do it, couch to 5k or not.

I do exercise but I just think I've 'lost' my prettiness. And I can't see it coming back. I never made much effort - bit of makeup and nice clothes - but now that effort just makes me look worse, if anything.

I do feel pretty low, and don't want to have sex or go out or anything.

OP, Roald Dahl was a wise man. Look into improving your mental health a bit (and be nice to yourself), and then start in on the external stuff.

everybody goes through a phase like this, you're not alone here. I did last year was extremely depressed at my lumps.
The gym really does help with stress or even running in a park. I got a juicer which i have been having as my dinner and sometimes breakfast which i find is helping me lose weight.

OP, big, big hugs.

I cried reading your post because I feel like you do. I was never a beauty, I made an effort and looked ok. I was practically skinny until Pregnancy. Never, ever achieved pre pregnancy weight but have yo-yo ed for the last 13 years. I'm now at my heaviest ever. I'm heavier now than when I'd just given birth.

I spend every day thinking about how fat, ugly and unhealthy I am. I know how to lose weight. I spent several years as a weight watchers leader. I just feel hopeless and ugly.

It's not a good place to be in. If I spent as much time exercising as I do hating how I look I wouldn't have a problem.

Would you be up for doing something to support each other? We could try to make some small changes to start a big change?

Big hugs xxx

Thank you

I feel silly and shallow, because it is. But any early prettiness has gone, and that's hard to take.

Oh lovely love, you sound depressed. Especially when you mention about not having any interest in sex or going out. I really think it's worth a trip to the GP- not necessarily for tablets, but certainly get on the list for some CBT-type counselling to help you challenge the negative thoughts. In the meantime, do take people up on their offer here for some mutual support. It's easy enough to start a thread in OTBT where you can encourage each other. Please do it- you are worth so much more than all this harsh self-criticism.

Thank you :) I want to take DD2 to some baby groups but other mums just look so gorgeously put together. How do they do it?!

oops, linked to the wrong thing. Have asked MN to remove.

THIS is the right article: ditching the diets and embracing my plus-size body

I think your starting point is to address your diet. I am a firm believer in you are what you eat. Not dieting. Eating good, wholesome foods that will make you feel good! Cut out the junk and eat cleaner.

You mention that you have kids, maybe start running around with them more? Not sure what age they are but just taking them to the park etc and kicking a ball around will make you feel good.

Don't focus on the aesthetic at the moment though, concentrate on feeling better.

I just bought a nutri ninja. I am a little in love. Its a small change to have a smoothie for breakfast but it makes me feel better. I just throw anything in but this morning was frozen strawberries, gojo berries, Greek yogurt. Takes ages to eat as its so cold and I eat it with a spoon and it feels really filling. Third time luck I am going to mention yoga again. I think its good for the soul.

Oh and if you can a day at a spa. My dp got me a voucher for a day spa and I didn't book it for a year. I just loved knowing for a whole year that I had a day at a spa in the bag. I am sad I know.