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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to put my foot down re hen do?

27 replies

Somuchmoney17 · 21/07/2015 17:40

My best friend is getting married in 2017. She is having a big, beautiful wedding in a hotel in another country, big dress, big ring etc (relevant). I am MOH and am organising her hen do. It will probably be over a weekend as I feel that is what she would like, although I am trying to keep costs down and give people the option of 'opting in' to activities.

I am getting married in November. Cheap church and church hall, no engagement ring, no big dress - we are having 80 people which is still more fuss than I would like. My best friend and all of our friends say that I have to have a hen do - I'm not massively bothered, but want to insist it is just for one evening, at our local pub, with no extra activities or overnight accommodation and definitely none of those bloody sashes. They are trying to insist we have to have a day activity.

AIBU? Am I a misery?

OP posts:

FenellaFellorick · 21/07/2015 17:43

No. Have the evening you want.
I thought the whole point of those things was a day/ night/trip that the bride wanted?

Ask them why they don't want to do what you enjoy given it's supposed to be your hen do.

turningvioletviolet · 21/07/2015 17:46

You don't have to have anything you don't want.

Original poster

Somuchmoney17 · 21/07/2015 17:48

I know, and I'm not a pushover. But because she's said she's organising it, I don't feel I have any control...

OP posts:

FenellaFellorick · 21/07/2015 17:51

Course you do.
You tell her what would make you happy and what would make you miserable and you say please don't plan the day YOU want. I am planning the hen do you would like, please do the same for me.

cocobean2805 · 21/07/2015 17:51

I didn't have a hen do, briefly thought about having an afternoon tea but decided against because I saw no real purpose to it. YADNBU. If this is your only "bridezilla" request that people NOT do something then you are OK in my books! It's your wedding, and therefore your hen do. As much as I'm sure your mates want it to be lovely, if its not something you're into then you are well within your rights to say no thanks!

Wombat22 · 21/07/2015 17:51

I would have a quiet word and explain that I really would not appreciate her organising something that won't like. I'm sure they'll understand

WorraLiberty · 21/07/2015 17:52

Of course you have control.

Wombat22 · 21/07/2015 17:52

*I won't like

Gatehouse77 · 21/07/2015 17:54

Ditto what Fenella said.

Just because someone else is organising it doesn't mean you can't voice your wishes.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 21/07/2015 17:56

I bet if you opt out of what is now becoming a traditional hen 'event' then there will be a lot of people who are secretly relieved.
I didn't want a hen-do. In the end I had a virgin vie party which was OK followed by a clubbing night which I hated but pretended to like for the sake of the bridesmaid who organised it.
Tell them what you want, you are the bride and you are allowed to be firm, and don't feel forced into something you don't want.

Welshmaenad · 21/07/2015 17:58

I organised my own hen do. We went for a lovely Italian meal in a local restaurant, that was what I wanted. I find extravagant hen dos/sashes and silliness ridiculous, personally, and would have been cross if I'd been forced into that.

Just do what you want to do, or do nothing, as you wish, and don't be bullied into anything else.

SingingSands · 21/07/2015 18:03

Sounds fab. I did exactly that - pub, then a meal for four of us and it was perfect.
I wasn't going to bother at all but my friend pushed it and I'm glad she did now.
You don't need to measure your hen do against anyone else's. I've had friends who have done the big weekend trips abroad, lavish spa days etc but it doesn't take the shine off my tiny local hen do. Horses for courses and all that...

ApocalypseThen · 21/07/2015 18:06

Are you sure you two are friends? She appears to be pressuring you into a hen do you don't want and you sneer at the cost of her wedding.

FruSirkaOla · 21/07/2015 18:10

Just say to her that what you want is an evening at your local pub - nothing else, nothing OTT, no activities or silly clothes.

Honestly, you can say this to her! It's your hen do and your choice.

annandale · 21/07/2015 18:15

Just possibly your hen night will make hers look ostentatious and extravagant...

Enjoy your do which is what all the best dos are. Try to enjoy hers a bit more too.

OTheHugeManatee · 21/07/2015 18:18

I opted out of the traditional hen do. My female friends are very disparate and I could think of no event that would not be full of cringe.

In the end my two best friends (who were my bridesmaids) took me to a spa for the afternoon, followed by cocktails and a game of Bananagrams, followed by steak and chips at our favourite restaurant and that was that. It was such a lovely day.

OP, put your foot down and have the hen you want (or none at all if you'd prefer).

whois · 21/07/2015 18:23

Personally I quite like the format afternoon activity - early dinner - drinks (local to you).

Gives people the option to opt in or out for bits, and activities are nice bonding things.

But that's me. This is you. You should do what you want :-)

Happy36 · 21/07/2015 18:46

Do what you wish.

noeffingidea · 21/07/2015 18:50

Apocalypse I don't see where the OP sneered at the cost of her friends wedding. She described it as big and beautiful.
Op, just stick to your guns. Tell her you're not going out until the evening, so if she wants a daytime activity to go ahead, but you won't be there.

emwithme · 21/07/2015 19:16

I really didn't want a Hen Do, but did want something so half a dozen of us went for all-you-can-eat-Chinese and drinks, followed by drunken eating of chocolate willies (once I'd left a couple of hours for the chinese to leave room)

Best mate decided it was a "Hen Don't". I liked that

morelikeguidelines · 21/07/2015 19:30

No, yanbu, have the evening you want.

I organised my own to have what I wanted.

HippyPottyMouth · 21/07/2015 19:59

If you're worried she'll ambush you, organise it now. Email everyone saying you want to have a meal at X place/ drinks in the local and won't be doing anything else. Make it friendly and happy, but clear.

Ragwort · 21/07/2015 20:08

As Hippy says, take control, tell your friend you will organise your hen do yourself. It's your event, don't let anyone else tell you what you have to do.

Skiptonlass · 21/07/2015 20:24

No, not unreasonable at all.

I (politely) squirmed out of all attempts to organise anything expensive/embarassing and ended up having a lovely picnic with five close friends. It was very low key and just fine. I'd have been really upset if anyone had arranged strippers/sashes/party games etc.

It's your day and you do what you want.

Tell them you'll meet them at time and place x, and book it. Then let them know that you have something else (anything) booked and paid for earlier in the day so they can't drag you anywhere else.

Honestly weddings can bring out the crazy. We had a mid to low key do, which was what we wanted. I've been to weddings that cost hundreds of thousands and weddings in campsites - it's each to their own, do what YOU want to do.

MehsMum · 21/07/2015 20:30

It's YOUR wedding and YOUR hen do.

You are NOT a misery if you don't want a weekend of spas, rock climbing, party games and alcohol. You are refreshingly normal!

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