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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For thinking I shouldn't be responsible for my ex P missing his rent?

12 replies

Frillsandspills · 21/07/2015 16:59

my ex P left a cheque at my house (I'm living with my parents) yesterday when he came round to discuss things or whatever. Anyway, he asked if I could put the cheque in the bank but as I was out I told him I would ask my dad to do it for him as he often passes the bank when he goes shopping etc. my dad was supposed to put the cheque in this morning but he was had an appointment to have a biopsy taken on his mouth to rule out mouth cancer (I've been quite worried about this). I completely forgot to post the cheque as I thought my dad had and I was more concerned for my dad than this cheque anyway.
I haven't left the house today due to not being well (I'm 18 weeks pregnant and Ive had a bit of a funny tummy all day so I've not felt like going anywhere at all). My dad said he will pass the bank when he goes out first thing in the morning so he'll post it then, even it was posted now it won't go through til tomorrow because it's past 3.30.
I told my exP this via text message and explained my dad had been at the hospital, and he just completely flipped with all sorts of nasty language.
I explained that it was him that forgot the cheque it was nobodies responsibility but his. He needed the money to pay his rent so I told him to explain to the landlord it would be a few days late.
He didn't once ask why my dad had been in hospital, not that he necessarily needs to be concerned but I thought it was awful for him to moan knowing the circumstances.

I shouldn't have said I'd post the cheque but I'm only one day late, and I'm failing to see how it's my fault.

AIBU or am I to blame here? His cheque is not at the forefront of my mind. And perhaps if he hadn't of woken up at 20 past 4 in the afternoon and reminded me a lot sooner I may have had the energy to go to the bank for him. At the minute I'm so run down and exhausted I've struggled doing anything for myself never mind other people.

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 21/07/2015 17:02

Why on earth isnt he lodging his own cheques?

Nolim · 21/07/2015 17:03

He should have asked about your father but you shouldnt have agreed to post the check either.

Original poster

Frillsandspills · 21/07/2015 17:05

He'd gone to post the cheque on Saturday even though I told him the bank was closed but obviously I'm never right. So when he was here he left the cheque in the envelope on the sideboard in the hallway and when he left he completely forgot about it, so asked me to put it in the bank on Monday (yesterday) but he asked me when I was out and it was already too late and he'd only just realised he'd left the cheque. I don't quite know he couldn't have just came back and did it himself but quite clearly he's too bloody lazy to do anything

OP posts:

Original poster

Frillsandspills · 21/07/2015 17:07

Nolim I agree. But he didn't tell me it was urgent and that it was to pay his rent so I seen no harm in forgetting for a day, I told him my dad agreed to when he passed the bank which would probably be this morning, but he didn't on the way to the hospital which is fair enough. He didn't think to tell me it was anything urgent until today when I said it would be put in the bank tomorrow.

OP posts:

midnightvelvetPart2 · 21/07/2015 17:09

Its often not a question of blithely explaining to the landlord why the rent isn't paid on time, it could have caused him a massive problem.

Which is why when he realised, he should have returned & picked up the cheque & banked it himself not trusted it to you or your dad.

If it happens again OP tell him he has to come back for it.

ApocalypseThen · 21/07/2015 17:12

It's not that you shouldn't be responsible, you aren't responsible. Let him sort out his own cheques and don't agree to lift a finger to help him again. He's an ex, let him sort himself out.

SurlyCue · 21/07/2015 17:12

Yeah you need to properly split with him, you're still doing errands for him? And then getting it in the neck from him for doing it wrong? Fuck that- one of the joys of ending a relationship is not having to put up with their shitty behaviour. You need to draw boundaries and enforce them. You arent his partner, he does his own banking. Why was he even leaving his banking in your house? Why was it out of his pocket?

Original poster

Frillsandspills · 21/07/2015 17:14

I understand midnight, had I known it was to pay his rent I wouldn't have been so laid back about doing it tomorrow. I did explain to him it wasn't my responsibility though and he should have been a bit more clearer. I just got a bit pissed off really hormonal that suddenly I am to blame for him not being able to pay his rent. I must add, he has two jobs, he should have more than enough to pay his rent but he chooses to go out with his mates and spend all his money with them so I have little sympathy.

OP posts:

lougle · 21/07/2015 17:37

I would say that you wouldn't have been responsible had you said no, but you took the responsibility on when you agreed to do it, so you should have stuck to your word.

Anon4Now2015 · 21/07/2015 17:47

Am I mixing you up or are you the same poster who has had numerous problems from her Ex?

If I'm right then why are you even letting him in your house, let alone offering to do anything for him?

If I've got it wrong I apologise!

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/07/2015 20:33

Hi Frills, I've posted on one of your other threads and remember the situation you're in.

You need to stop trying to win his approval/affection, which is what I think your agreement to bank it for him was about. He's not going to give it. And I think we came to the conclusion that he is now taking pleasure in upsetting you. He did not leave the cheque 'accidentally', he set you up to take another emotional beating from him. He is punishing you for refusing to abort and refusing to put your unborn child up for adoption. He will continue to find ways to punish you for as long as you let him. Just as I doubt he left the cheque accidentally, I also doubt the delay in banking the cheque will have anything to do with his rent. He is playing you.

Step back, and look at the outcome from any of his recent actions. Every time, you are left feeling unhappy and in the wrong.

Please, I know it's not easy as you still love the man you thought he was, but he is no longer that man. He just a stranger who looks like him, and he knows how to hurt you to your core. Don't allow him access to your life, ifhe needs to contact you there is text and email, please minimise face-to-face contact. It gets your hopes up and makes you vulnerable to his game-playing . Better still, get angry. Righteous anger can be an excellent shield.

Anon4Now2015 · 21/07/2015 21:59

Ahhhhhh so I was right! And I have posted on one of your threads before!

Please please listen to WhereYouLeftIt. This man is playing with you. He is abusive and every interaction you have with him involves him messing with your head and putting you in situations that are damaging for both you and for your child in the future.

Please stop holding out hope that he is going to change in some way - he isn't. He only acts as if there is the faintest possibility of that so that you will stay in contact with him and he can keep playing with you.

Please cut all contact with him.

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