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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how many people have truly ended a relationship because one party didn't pull their weight round the house?

31 replies

DoeEyedNear · 19/07/2015 18:27

So....Anyone? Or were there other issues too?

OP posts:
bigbumtheory · 19/07/2015 21:24

Could you afford a cleaner OP? Could you do the things you could do but would think 'he's going to do it'?

pointythings · 19/07/2015 21:50

I'm with pounding on this one - you need to sit down with him and tell him that you can't physically do a,b and c but you can do x,y and z - and then stick to doing those things that you can do, like glue. It may not end up being an equal division of labour because of your disability, but your OH needs to know that you are doing what you can.

Your post resonated with me because I have just spent about a year supporting my DH, who last year developed very severe back problems - he couldn't do anything. Then with treatment he got better, but he had got used to me doing it all. Getting things back to normal has been really, really hard.

Sidalee7 · 19/07/2015 22:01

Can you get a cleaner OP?

It sounds as if you can't help, rather than wont - big difference.

Purplepoodle · 19/07/2015 23:10

I think you need a big chat op. I don't mind doing most of housework but must feel like he is doing his bit like cleaning car, doing garden, entertaining kids so I can crack on.

If your not able to do as much. Then either it's going to be a cleaner or drawing up a list of chores that you can divide up between you. Stuff that's needs done each week and your each responsible for. Even just telling him how grateful you are

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 19/07/2015 23:24

Murfies, I beg you. Tell me you replied to her: "no, he failed as a husband, and you sure as fuck failed as a parent". I'd buy tickets to see that. Grin

BertieBotts · 20/07/2015 00:28

Oh no! See I was reading the thread (and even posting my own stuff, which I do agree with) squirming because I am also the messy and lazy/forgetful one in my marriage, and I also sometimes worry where DH's line is and whether he will ever get to the point he can't deal with it (me) any more.

But your issue sounds different. Do you think that he doesn't get (in general) how much your condition affects you, or he's seeing you prioritise other things over housework (which might be fair!) and hence making a snap judgement, he understands but is still feeling a bit fed up with the deal, or what?

I do generally think that within a marriage it's not about who does what and what percentages are where but the strain on both partners, or if you like, the amount of free time. (With the acknowledgement that it's not really free time if you have to spend all of it recovering from your working time.) If you matched him for what he did, what would the effects on you be? Presumably they would be far, far more than the effects of the same work on him. And yes while it can be lazy and taking somebody for granted to think "Ah, never mind, he'll do it", that can also be a perfectly okay thought to have when you can't manage something. And can't doesn't necessarily have to mean "this is going to knock me out for 24 hours", it can just mean "This is going to be pretty uncomfortable for me", especially if it's not a big deal for him.

But the balance has to be right. It wouldn't be fair for him to run around like a blue arsed fly, exhausting himself while you sigh and go "Well it's just going to be so much harder for me, you know" and feel fine. I don't get this impression from your posts at all, but it's a possible dynamic and it would be pretty bad for him if that was the case (with the added thing that he would probably feel pretty awful asking you to do extra).

Another possibility related to the last one is that you ARE both equally exhausted by what you're doing currently, but your exhaustion isn't as obvious as he would like it to be, so he FEELS more put upon and like you are sitting there just being fine and perhaps taking him for granted. I don't know if there's a way around this one if he's not open to listening to how you actually are experiencing things, and it might be a sign that he's not really respecting and trusting you, which would of course be a bigger issue.

I think a useful question to ask was IF you matched him, and really wore yourself out doing it, how would he react then? Because if it's anything other than horrified, I think you have a problem.

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