to consider cutting her out my life already?!

[birdsong0]

Long post apologies.. also trigger warning..

Younger half sister and I have only just got in touch with each other after years. Weren't in touch due to parents falling our when we were kids. Her mum was horrible to me as a child and I was terrified of her, which was noticed by some of the family. Sister doesn't know about this as she was only a baby when it happened and I don't plan on her knowing as it's in the past.

Anyway, I treated her to a spa day yesterday, and the whole day I felt so uncomfortable at the remarks she was making, alarm bells ringing in my head:

• She was rude about a hen party that was there, clearly enjoying themselves and relaxing not doing any harm, but started calling them "stupid b**"

-She was rude about the waitress in the cafe, describing her as "condescending" and "useless" at her job.

-Complaining about her OH's family, also saying how she doesn't like them and they hate her, but she doesn't care.

-Making snide comments about our grandma (who was my guardian for 8 years and on the side of the family my half sister wasn't in contact with).

I snapped at her at this point saying our grandma only has love for her and is elderly and would like to have a relationship with her and she should not make comments like that and make assumptions. (I never get angry like this).

There are more, snide subtle comments she makes towards me and my OH.

Now this is the biggy, I've been struggling with anxiety and depression since a mc a few months earlier, and it is something that only a few people know about:
-Earlier on in the day before going to spa, my OH and I pop into his work to collect some paperwork and she comes in with us. She brings up the mc in front of my OH's work colleagues, asking "when are you going to try and get pg again?" and other questions. I'm completely floored by this and could tell my OH's colleague heard but busied themselves trying not to listen. OH came over talking about something else before I could respond.

Today I'm upset, and feeling more anxious than ever I've no idea how to deal with this going forward. She is very similar to her mum.

It sounds ridiculous, but I'm actually a bit scared of my younger sister.

Do I tell her everything and give her some home truths about her behaviour and risk other family members getting involved?
Do I just ignore and and carry on meeting up hoping she'll mature?
Do I close the door before I get hurt?
How do I respond to her offensive remarks?!

Our family is very mish mash and disjointed and it hurts me to think I can't even get along with my sister, I've always been a very passive person but she's making me angry. Any advice?

TL;DR: sister and I back in touch not talked since childhood, she's not very nice, makes me feel bad, mean about others, not sure whether to cut all contact before it gets super ugly.

Look, she doesn't fulfil any positive role in your life and you are in no way responsible for her happiness.

Just tell her you do not find her recent behaviour acceptable and leave it at that, no self defence just stay that she has said some hurtful things and you do not find that acceptable.

If she does moan to other family do not hesitate to give a quick explanation "Well, she called me a liar when I couldn't make XX family occasion. I don't like being called a liar". Just don't let that British embarrassment thing force you to swallow it all in silence.

But most of all, look after yourself. You have a family, be there, be well, for them and let the extended family look after itself.

If she was brought up by your abusive SM it's likely she was abused or has her Mum's brain structure.

You don't want her to damage your mental health as her Mum dam aged you and your Mum's mh.

LazyLouLou thanks, I won't at least shes helped me find my backbone, haha.

HowD definitely. she's living with her mum at the mo, she and her OH moved out but have moved back in voluntarily to save more money for a house..not sure how voluntarily it would be though if thats how far reaching the abuse is, if that make sense? or she really is just v close to her mum and has learnt behaviour. thanks for all your advice you've been great

Drop her like a hot potato.

distance yourself from her.
don't meet her again. she's turned out just like her mum, hasn't she?

Well done! Glad you were assertive!

Sadly, i think through nature and nurture she has inherited her mother's vile tendencies.

A close friend is in a similar situation - only knew her half sibs when they were infants. Step- mother was utterly abusive-friend was on child protection register as a result.

Gets together as adults with her half sibs-she says they display the same toxic abusive behaviour as their mother, sadly as she was hoping to develop a nice sibling relationship with them.

Interestingly, in their case too, the half sibs are very close to their mum and have lived with her for extended times as adults.

Life is too short to fill it with toxic people like this. It sounds like spending time with her will just drag up painful feelings from your past, so I would take this as a defining moment. Be firm and take no shit. Which is exactly what you're doing. So now just don't feel guilty about it

I agree that it's too much to cope with and she's behaved appallingly. But I do think that potentially (as someone else mentioned) she might have been abused by your SM. She does seem to be showing some behavioural signs which can indicate that. Some of her behaviours sound like borderline personality disorder and that is closely associated with survivors of abuse. Developing a very intense relationship with you very quickly and then falling out, being aggressive, being impulsive and saying and doing things which are inappropriate. (Although I know it's unreliable to diagnose via the net).

However that's not your problem, you really can't pick up the pieces of that for her, nor would you probably be able to. But I do think you are right that things may change as she gets older. BPD is something that most people recover from as they age and move away from the abuse that caused it. Plus if it is just immaturity that changes too.

If I was you I wouldn't totally close the door. Send her a letter saying that you think that your relationship developed to quickly and you would have been wiser to take it slower. Say she has very much hurt you and at the moment you're not ready for a close relationship. But tell her that you don't want to cut her off entirely and agree to exchange (posted) letters every few months. Which will mean you are less likely to get an angry missive emailed off in the heat of the moment if she has to write it and post it. Tell her although you want to take a step back you would still like to hear how she is doing. Send her a card and maybe a small gift at birthdays and Christmases. Then as time goes on you may be able to judge from how she responds to this if she is growing up a bit. Even if she doesn't respond still stay in touch occasionally.

Things may change when she is older and has children of her own and calms down a bit. If that's the case it would be a shame to close the door altogether.