...To be fed up with people saying 'you're doing brilliantly/a great job/amazingly well' etc...

[DangerGrouse]

This is going to initially sound massively ungrateful, I'm not being, I promise, people mean well, I get that, but I find it weirdly unsupportive when people tell me this about my parenting.
Some may see what I mean, some may KNOW what I mean, and some may just rollock me for being ungrateful. That's fair enough.
I guess I just wish someone would just for once, for once, ask me how I'm doing, instead of just telling me how I'm doing.
Ironically when you just tell a single mum: "Oh you're doing brilliantly!" that's not helpful. We're not doing brilliantly, we are barely surviving, we feel awful a lot of the time, we're not having any support, we're lonely and you've no idea what my mothering is like when you're not around.
Yes I happen to have been blessed with a lovely child. That doesn't mean I'm doing brilliantly. I'm pouring my heart into her and I am but a husk as a result. And sometimes a rubbish mother.
And before you say it, I have lovely friends but for some reason, they still don't ask, not in that way.
When someone tells you "You're doing brilliantly" it sort of closes any conversational avenues into how much you're struggling or asking for help. They've told you you're doing well, all is wonderful, it's a fact, no problem, next topic please.
I would just love, - no, need - , just for once for someone to ask, "How are you actually getting on Kate? How are things really? Do you need anything?"
All of these well meaning platitudes are really not helpful, they make me feel awful and are just not true. I'm sinking and I need a cuddle.
Next time you feel yourself about to TELL a mother "You're doing brilliantly!!" Stop yourself and ask, sincerely, "Are you doing okay?"
Believe me it will make the world a better place.

My daughter is going to be two shortly.

In that entire time I have only ever been told once that I'm doing brilliantly. By a random old lady in a cafe that I stopped in to breastfeed when DD was three months. I was in the middle of PND, terrified of anything happening to DD, and in a world where I had no real emotional support from DH or any family, it was something I really needed to hear. 18 months on and I still think of it on hard days.

So no, YANBU for wishing for more, but YABU for not wanting people to do this at all. It's the scraps of encouragement that get some of us husks through the day.

My MIL does this to me. She means well, but sometimes I want to scream 'no I'm not doing well, I'm exhausted and want to take to my bed for a month' and I'm not a single mum, just a struggling one with a non sleeping toddler, a newborn and insomnia. Then again if she asked how I www I'd probably say 'fine' so I guess she can't win.

I'm a single mum & get this all the time too, plus the 'I don't know how you do it all' comment. It doesn't annoy me though it's just people trying to be nice.

YANBU "I don't know how you do it!"

Answer "By the skin of my teeth, with ADs and as much sleep as I can manage!" I never actually say this out loud!

Mmmm - I do hear what you're saying, but I wonder if there's more going on than people wanting to avoid an honest conversation?

In my own experience, 'you're doing brilliantly' etc etc means, 'I can see you're struggling with a situation that's really hard, but you seem to be getting through it.'

I do know how frustrating it can be, and how it can feel it constrains your ability to talk about your problems openly. BUT at the same time, I think there's the opportunity to say straight out, 'thanks, I really appreciate you saying that because I'm struggling at the moment and it doesn't feel at all brilliant.'

In my experience, that is a way to open up a more honest conversation, if that's what I want at that point.

However it works out, I do hope you're able to get more support from those around you.

Yanbu, phrases like that always make me feel there should be a patronising for you or considering on the end. But I didn dislike them for your reasons. Have you considered talking to your midwife/ health visitor/ gp about how you feel? Cos assuming you aren't some deranged attention seeker (which nothing you say suggests) those feelings aren't that healthy, wildly extrapolating perhaps but might be worth looking into the possibility of pnd or depression depending on dcs age/ how long you've felt this way.

I think that any parent whose kids are safe, fed and happy at the end of the day is doing a brilliant job and if the parent is exhausted achieving that it doesn't negate the fact that they have done a brilliant job. You may not feel brilliant but maybe your friends want you to know that you are amazing and hope it will make you feel it is all worthwhile.

I can see how it stops conversation though and will do my best to not say it in the future. I think I only do when a friend is having a bad day and is doubting her parenting skills so I mean it supportively but perhaps it doesn't feel supportive.

On the flipside I have a sister who is a single parent and I feel I can never have a bad day or a moan as she'll always say how much easier life is for me because I'm married.

OP it's interesting that you congratulated a poster on the thread who behaved brilliantly as a friend with their friend this evening. You said 'well done for being...'. This is exactly what people mean when they tell you you're doing well. They just want you to know that your kids seem healthy and happy and they understand that it must be very very hard behind the scenes. You will never root all the positive, affirming cliches out of social interactions. People mean well. However I did hear it a lot after having my DD (couldn't walk for months) and sometimes it felt as if people said that because they didn't want to be bothered asking me how I really was. That, however, went a lot deeper than the phrase itself.

I don't understand why you can't say, 'actually, it may look like I'm coping well but it doesn't feel it at all. I'm really struggling.' Worked for me.

I understand you and I think you explained it very well indeed - hope that doesn't sound condescending!

It's like 'oh you'll be ok.'

Oh i will, will I?

Thanks!

Very well explained OP. Those phrases are 'closers'. There have been times that I've wanted to scream 'why is no-one listening to me??!!' But ultimately we have to just keep on trucking, don't we?

I think YABU tp generalise- it's meant as a a pick me up & i found it to be that way personally.

I understand where you are coming from but I'm not sure people mean them as closers and if you are giving the impression of being on top of your situation people will assume that to be the case. Different people also have different support needs in terms of talk (as opposed to practical help). I know when I was going through a difficult period a few years ago I actively did not want to discuss it with other people because it just made me feel worse to dwell on it.

I think YANBU to want your friends to ask how you are doing but I do think you also have to take a little control over letting them know you need to talk too, especially if you generally see them in situations that are quite breezy where it's not an obvious time for a heart to heart.

I would really rather not have people ask me how I am, the only ok answer to "how are you doing?" Is great thank you.

I would also rather not have people assuming I'm falling to pieces behind closed doors because I'm not, and I think there are enough stereotypes and assumptions made about lone parents as it is perticularly surrounding the quality of their parenting.

If I did have a problem that required support it would be my responsibility as an adult to actively seek support.

If someone well meaning passes a pleasant comment on me or my parenting I usually smile and thank them.

I find this really patronising. The person saying it is implicitly taking on the mantle of the expert - who made them a parenting expert to judge others, even if their judgement is positive? I say this as someone who's been told I was doing brilliantly "for someone who knows nothing about children."

I completely agree with you op. I actually think people say it because it means they don't have to offer you any help or support or be asked for help by you...or maybe I'm cynical!

Actually having thought about it more I agree with those saying it can be an opener. I have some good mum friends who do this.
But the ones who use it as a closer do it so wrong in so many ways. MIL does this to me and it's not that she's not lovely; she really is and means well. But it's like she wants our lives to be happy and wants to believe that DD is wonderful so much that that completely crowds out any view of reality. Or any sense of letting me, DH or DD fail sometimes. It's like there's no room in her world for anything except doing brilliantly and being happy, which can feel like an awful lot of pressure when we know we're not.