to be so bloody stressed

[Nabootique]

I really feel sorry for myself at the moment and I hate feeling like that so I'm happy to be told I need to get a grip, because that is kind of how I feel.

It's been a difficult year so far, relationships, bereavement, some financial strife, work, and I have a relative who I live with that is very unwell and won't be getting any better. This last part means that I sometimes have to take time off work at short notice. I don't want to out myself, but think of someone whose condition means that they have days where they really can't be alone.

In the past I've used holiday to cover this, then I was helpfully told that as this person is dependent I could use parental leave (up to 4 days in a year) to deal with emergencies with this person. So far after being told this I have used one of these days, and then I had to ask as my boss was saying I should be using holiday (I actually now don't have any holiday left).

Yesterday was another bad day with this relative and I took the day off work. Boss working away, but was told and I got in this morning to find that the day had been booked off as holiday and she wants to have a meeting with me on Monday morning. I was actually supposed to be off on Monday, booked ages ago, as I was going to stay with a friend for a very short break. Obviously I can't do this now and cancelled going away and also cancelled Monday off as no point in taking it off for no reason.

I'm just so scared about this meeting. I feel like these parental leave days were offered, as they put it themselves, as a way to alleviate some of the pressure on me, but they are being taken away. There really wasn't anything I could have done differently yesterday, I don't have any other support really for this relative, bar a couple of people occasionally running an errand or two, but now I'm just really scared I'm about to lose my job for doing something that I was told I could do.

I suffer from depression and anxiety anyway, which my boss knows, and they also know how anxious I get about letting people down at work so I'm really upset that this meeting is going to be hanging over me all weekend. I know they have a business to run, I really do get that, but don't give me options and then get annoyed when I use them. I've just been trying not to cry all day. It's just more stress I don't need. There is nothing wrong with my work performance at all, targets being hit, extra projects running well, etc.

I know I might be overreacting but I am just so emotional at the moment. I was so looking forward to having a little break, just for a night. I know there are a lot of people in a worse off position to me, but it's just relentless. I have a DD as well.

Thanks for reading.

And I'm just so bloody LONELY. Any attempt at a social life just results in something bad happening at home whilst I'm not there. Since the previous set back a few weeks ago I have been out three times (not including work) and twice resulted in further issues. I'm getting to the point where I realise I just can't go out for anything other than work, which I could deal with if work was better. Just hope someone comes and tells me to buck up

Sorry you are feeling this way, and you have all this stress and upset on your plate. As you had Monday booked as holiday you should have rescheduled the meeting for Tuesday. Can you tell your boss / HR person this and reclaim your much needed night away? Also does your company have an hr dept? They shouldn't say one thing, eg about using parental leave, and do another. Maybe your immediate boss is not clued up in this area and is telling you the wrong thing.

Thank you for replying.

I'm reluctant to go away for the night as I don't want to leave my relative on their own, so I don't really mind cancelling that. I'd rather just get the meeting over with.

We do have an HR department. I have had meetings with my boss before, and also one with my boss and someone from HR around this issue and they've been understanding, but it seems like every time some emergency arises I'm hauled into a meeting about how it can be "better managed". Like I said, I get that they have a business to run, but what can I do? It was during one of these meetings that the parental leave thing came up as my boss had previously been unaware of it, I think. I'm just sick of having meetings where I just repeat myself. I have enough of repeating myself at home.

I'm sorry you felt you had to cancel your weekend with a friend. It sounds like you could do with a break!
Is it too late to reschedule the meeting for Tuesday and un-cancel your weekend away?
With regards to your anxiety and caring responsibilities: try not to feel guilty about needing time off work. You've had a lot on your shoulders. And no one is super human! Is there an HR department you could talk to, to clarify the issue of parental leave vs holiday leave? If not there should be a staff handbook or something which explains the rules and policies?

Could you also find out what support is available for you (as a carer) and the person you care for? They might be entitled to care services, you might be entitled to carers allowance, etc. I think there is a charity (Carers UK?) which could advise you on all this.

Thanks Emma. I have looked into giving up work to be the full time carer, but I really can't afford to. Social services are supposed to be coming out to assess for a day time care type thing, but nothing has happened yet.

Whatever the outcome of the meeting on Monday, make sure you ask for clarification in writing around how this kind of leave is to be managed in future.

How much time off are we talking? I'd imagine if you've used all of your annual and parental leave you'd have to start taking unpaid leave, however if it's quite often, then it's understandable that some kind of meeting needs to be held on how this is managed.

WhoNickedMyName Yes, of course I completely understand that, it's just that I get told not to worry, this is something I can do, then I have to have a meeting about it every time something comes up. I like to come in, do my job to the best of my ability (which I think I do), and it's almost like work is a break away from my home life.

Some of my annual leave (4 days) is booked to be taken off later in the year, and I think I have one day left over, plus 3 days kept for Christmas, which is mandatory. Some leave was scheduled and booked in the normal way. I had to take unpaid leave to attend a funeral, and I have only used one day of the parental leave.

Is there a possibility you could go part time OP?

I re-read your posts and it sounds like you're afraid of losing your job. They can't dismiss you without going through a fair process (they have to give you a warning and give you chance to resolve the issues) so try not to worry about that. If you are worried you can ask for someone from HR or for a representative (eg trade union rep or colleague) to attend the meeting to support you.

I would love to go part time, but my role doesn't have that as an option and I really can't afford to take that kind of pay cut.

I might ask if we can have someone else in the meeting. That's a good idea. My boss is actually lovely, I just think she's up against it from people higher up, possibly. We do have another member of the team on long term sick leave, which is creating some extra pressure for the team.

Is there an Occupational Health Dept at your work? Under similar circumstances I talked to mine and they were quite helpful in suggesting ways to cope both with work e.g. reducing hours, unpaid leave, leave of absence but also some avenues I hadn't thought of to get help for the relatives concerned.

I don't think so. It's just the HR department. Flexible working was offered as an option, but the number of hours needed to be the same, so that wasn't really helpful for me.