To ask for your advice

[Ungratefulmoaner]

I'm not sure if I am posting this in the right place but here I go anyway.

I am a SAHM to a 14month old DD (who I love more than anything) and am pregnant again with my second child (still early in the pregnancy) and I am just feeling so down and lost at the moment. I am not sure if I am depressed or if it's the hormones etc. I have always been the type of person who is quite up and down anyway.

All I wanted to do for a long time is be a SAHM and I have now got everything I want. Gorgeous DD, house in a lovely area and a loving husband who is fantastic but I just feel unhappy of late. I know it's mostly down to not getting a lot of time to do my own thing and constantly being with my DD. She is a good sleeper so evenings are generally free but DH is not around a lot or working from home if he is here. I just tend to sit on the sofa and watch crappy tv and play with my phone. I get to do one hobby I enjoy for 2 hours a week whilst DD is with grandparents but that will have to end in the next few weeks due to my pregnancy and I don't think they will look after her without a good reason why I need them too. My Mum does pop round once a week term time to help and give me some company but now it's school holidays I won't see her much and think she is taking on extra work come September (I was going to ask her to have DD once a week from sept but don't see this happening now). The worst thing is that even if I have the time to do something I have no idea what it is I want to do. I had started running 3 times a week and really enjoying it but had to stop as feeling so sick snd tired from my pregnancy. I just feel like I have completely lost myself. I have got quite a few mum friends which I see once a week but we are not overly close. My BF is not local and we have become distant since having my DD as she isn't really the children type and since I've been pregnant again I've not been well enough to drive the distance to visit. I just feel like I am living the same day over again and again and I am not sure how to stop this feeling and get out of this rut. I am hoping that once I get the 12weeks I will start to feel better in myself and everything else will get easier. I just feel like a spoilt brat right now tho.

Sorry I didn't realise it would be so long!!

Also sorry for lack of paragraphs!!

To be perfectly honest you do sound like an ungrateful moaner. I wonder why you're having another child if you want more 'me' time?

That said, I suspect you're in the grip of hormones / tiredness / mild depression and it's just a phase. No-one can be 'up' and jolly and marvelously happy all the time - it's ok to have times when you're fed for no reason at all.

But do count your blessing please - so very many people would love to be where you are right now.

Do you want to work pt or volunteer, or how about putting DD into nursery for a couple of mornings a week?

I don't think what you are feeling is unusual, do you feel consumed by your new role and like you've lost yourself a wee bit?

Ha! You were/are me!! Same situation, similar small age gap. I always said I wanted to stay at home and have been lucky enough to be able to do so, but it is a very lonely time. I imagined it to be something it isn't. I thought they'd be this group of us mums, and we'd be having coffee and going here and there. But in reality, it's just me. I think the balance is out and I long to work two days a week, but it wouldn't work for us. I've been at home for four years now, but realistically have one or two years left. I was ill in second pregnancy so dc1 went to nursery two afternoons per week, we managed to afford it and it was fantastic for all of us.

Time does pass, and the kids do get easier / more interesting, but if you could manage a couple of days a week in work I think you get to be you again. Who would've thought I'd be desperate to get back to work!!! There are just too many hours to fill in a week, and it doesn't suit my personality. If I had a bit of like minded company and some cash I think it would be better.

I am aware that many people would love to be in my position which is why I feel so bloody awful about not really enjoying it.

Yes woowoo I would like to do something whether it be work or volunteering but we cannot afford childcare and only have 1 car which hubby uses for work so it's hard for me to get there. I did mention to my PIL about doing a few hours work and them having DD but they just laughed it off and said that I wouldn't be working for a while now as I was pregnant again. DH is not overly happy about anyone else, particularly nursery, looking after DD anyway.

It'sbloodyraining - yes you sound exactly how I feel! It's good to hear it does get better. I wish I could work but as I said above its not really an option. Going to try to think hard about a new hobby I can take up and get DH to stay home one eve so I can go out. It doesn't help that I am very quiet and not the most exciting person to be around so doing something new will be a big hurdle for me.

Yes who'd have thought that I would be so keen to work again!!

Thanks for all your replies, means a lot xx

Your PILs sound horrible! And DH doesn't get the final say so, what about a CM? Going to high quality childcare is vg for kids for lots of reasons.

Or would it help that you can put DD to childcare when she turns 3, for the 15 hours per week?

I can't afford to work and feel quite trapped by my situation, but I'm nearly through it now and it has been good to be there to see the kids develop. I found that once I had dc2 the whole first year was so hectic that it flew by. There wasn't much time for soul searching!! And after that first year dc1 was at preschool every morning, so that started to add structure to our day etc. I then met a few mums, but not best mate type situations. I've joined a gym which has a free crèche. Maybe you could look into something like that once your baby is here.

OhNo that is rude and unnecessary. Being a SAHP is actually hard, isolating and relentless and the OP is not unusual at all in her feelings. I do suspect you are projecting your feelings onto her though.

It's often said we are not made to live in boxes but that's unfortunately how we do live these days. Your DH is not being helpful either, you probably need to say to him that you have been without adult company much of the day and need some conversation.

How many friends do you have with kids? Can you look at local activities and get yourself more involved some way? I mean on committees etc.

There are many other mums out there like you and you'll really benefit from connecting with them. This turns into play dates etc. Have a look out there and see where you can get involved.

Look after yourself and make sure you let your DH know how you are feeling. They do forget sometimes!

Oh I'm sorry I can't be doing with the "can't get there no car" excuse.

I'm 43, have never had a car, can't drive due to medical reasons....I've lived RIGHT out in the sticks as well as in cities...I get buses, trains and use a bike.

And I've always had work. You're pregnant now OP...enjoy your domestic life for a while and then get a bike.

Wow OhNo how supportive and helpful your comment is .

OP I think you need to talk to your DH about how you are feeling, but also try to come up with some real solutions to discuss - i.e. what do you want? would you like your DD to spend a bit of time in nursery so you had a bit of time to yourself? Would you like your DH to take some time to do something in the evening with you? Try and think about real things that would make you feel better.
If none of this works, or maybe anyway you should talk to your GP?
Finally congratulations on being pregnant!

I feel for you OP, when I was preparing for maternity leave, I read all the baby books and envisaged how wonderful it would be. We had the option for me to be a SAHP if I so wished. I practically ran back to work after 8 months, I honestly would have gone back sooner if my health and DH travel schedule had allowed it.

Being at home with a toddler is hard work, the day's merge into one. I noticed dust & mess in a way that I never did before. At times I craved the social life of work & the time to start & finish a hot drink.

Be kind to yourself, it's hard work. Look for baby clubs or drop in baby groups to give your week some definition. Two local churches in our area had drop in mornings, it was a great way to meet local mums (we had just moved into the area) do you have anything like this nearby? Also maybe look into NCT bump and baby cafe meetings? I hope this helps.

Yes, it seems easy that the men go to work knowing that their baby is all very safe with mummy, but my mental health and sanity has always come first with my dh. We do rely on gp for a sneaky two hours in the pub etc. Family support is vital, but they can only help if you tell them what you need. You need to find some kind of pattern or structure to your week.

Lionwings in what way was my post rude and unnecessary? The whole point of posting on a public forum is to get some honest feedback.

Just because you don't like or don't agree with what I said, doesn't make me rude or my comments unnecessary.

Love the bit about 'projecting' ... I don't think you can have the faintest idea about my feelings. FWIW I totally understand how being a SAHP can be lonely and isolating, which is why I stopped doing it and went back to work.

You called the OP an ungrateful moaner That's rude .

Thanks everyone for your comments. I've had a good read and I will have a chat with my DH and let him know how I am feeling. I am really grateful for all your responses :) xx

What Woowoo said and then you questioned whether she should have be having another child.

Anyway OP you should try and keep that two hours with the grandparents. Both you and your DD will appreciate it even more when the new baby comes

I'm in France and have 2 DDs with a 15 month gap. Pretty much everyone goes back to work after 13 weeks here. I dreaded the holidays (teacher) as a round of feeding and clearing with no adult company. Happily they do get older and with the second one you will be so bloody busy it'll have your head spinning.

Audiobooks for company, head down for a couple of years. And get back to work as soon as you can. As long as it covers your child care costs go for it.