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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset that my night off has been cancelled because my DH thinks his brother needs too see him?

53 replies

RoboticSealpup · 17/07/2015 03:25

I'm on Mat. Leave with DD, 8 months. A friend came over to visit from Germany yesterday and staying with is until Saturday (she's visiting other UK friends after.) We had been planning to go out on Friday night and let DH take DD. This is the first time I've had the chance to have an evening out without DD. (We're new in our area and don't know anyone so I don't normally have anyone to go out with.)
Now DH tells me he will be an hour or two late from work on Friday because his brother wants to go for a drink. He says he temporarily forgot that it was Friday I was going out, but that he will be home by nine. (Usually home at seven). BIL had apparently sounded 'weird' and 'down' on the phone. MIL also called, asking DH to see BIL, as he had sounded 'almost tearful' on the phone to her.
I asked DH to call and try to clarify if there was something serious going on, and he had apparently just laughed it off, saying 'I just need a girlfriend!' but reiterated that he really wanted to see DH for a drink. (They don't usually do this.) DH is going and says he will be back before ten.
Now, I have been up with DD (who doesn't sleep) every night since she was born. I'm fine with this, but was really looking forward to not being the main carer for just one evening. If DH comes home late, sure, there's still time to go out, but after a whole day of childcare and going round town with my friend I will probably be too tired. I usually go to bed around 10.
I do realise that BIL may really need someone to talk to urgently. It's also quite possible that he just wants to meet up to have a moan about his dead-end job and his lack of love life. That's fine, but could be done another night! Because he won't talk about it on the phone, I could be sacrificing my only night off for a whim he had to go for a beer with his brother.
AIBU to feel that this is a bit unfair?

OP posts:

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 17/07/2015 07:19

I would say since your DH was responsible for watching your dd for tonight, he should be the one to line up childcare so that you don't have to cancel your plans.

LindyHemming · 17/07/2015 07:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 17/07/2015 07:26

You've already made plans, don't back down or you will be doing it for the rest of your life. Bil can come to yours.

Pippa12 · 17/07/2015 07:26

YANBU. He should arrange child care if he wants to go out. I don't blame you for not wanting to drink in the house especially when your friend is staying with you anyway!!! You'll have to put your foot down!

cleanmyhouse · 17/07/2015 07:29

He's being really unfair. In your shoes, I'd put my foot down.

Out0fCheeseError · 17/07/2015 07:33

This is not on. He's treating you as the default child care 24/7. He's a parent too and it's about time he realised this! Please don't let him treat you like this - a wake-up call now about his parental responsibilities may save you years of his selfishness in the future.

Original poster

RoboticSealpup · 17/07/2015 09:02

Thanks for all your responses! I was expecting to be told AIBU to be honest. I guess there's no way of knowing until DH has spoken to BIL.

DH is really not a twat, I promise! Not at all. But it does seem like he takes it for granted that I will do all the nights, now that I think about it. I'm no longer BF, but it just continued from there.

This is probably a situation of my own making. I've really thrown myself into the SAHM role, because DH had been the sole earner for the last few years while I studied and made a career change. He never spends any money without consulting with me, and we've always had joint accounts. It's not 'his' income, it's always been 'ours'. Regardless, I've felt insecure abut this at times, but with motherhood I finally feel like I contribute something equally important to our family. (I don't feel that way about studying or working because I will probably never earn anywhere close to what he will, so that's more of a self-development thing.)

So, I guess I've made myself the default parent.

OP posts:

Chunkymonkey79 · 17/07/2015 09:19

Don't know why people are suggesting mental health issues after one post with limited information. Lots of people get a bit down at times, a bit tearful etc but sounding a bit off doesn't instantly mean mental health issues.

Yanbu at all. I would just say sorry I have plans, not changeable as friend isn't here long.

If BIL wants to see your DH, surely he can go out of his way once and make the journey to your house and they can have a night in, or go out literally any other night. Why should your plans suffer?

BoyScout · 17/07/2015 09:28

I think it's reasonable enough that you do week nights while on mat leave but there's no reason why he can't do a weekend night or two.

Your plans trump BIL because they were arranged first and the night can't be postponed as your friend lives in Germany. Put your foot down now woman.

maddening · 17/07/2015 09:34

Say no - bil can pop round to yours and chat to Dh once dd is in bed.

SparkleyDragon · 17/07/2015 09:34

you sound like you have a good balance - we used to take turns when DCs were little on weekends and days off

The out to work parent needs priority on sleep on work days in my view though, as if you are a SAHP then you can take a nap, or go a little easier whereas when you are out in an office/etc job other people are judging you if you are not at your best due to lack of sleep

that's how we worked it anyway

mewkins · 17/07/2015 09:40

It sounds as if your dh is a bit scared of being in charge and not having you around to make the childcare decisions. He is therefore grasping for anybexcuse to get out of it!! Whatever happens tonight you need to get into the habit of leaving your dd alone with him in charge at least once a week. You needn't go out partying but you could take yourself off somewhere even just to read a book or go for a drink or wander around the shops. He will gradually become more confident.

paxtecum · 17/07/2015 09:56

Can you go out for the day tomorrow with your friend and leave DD with her dad?

Tangerineandturquoise · 17/07/2015 10:03

Maybe your DH feels trapped- he feels his brother situation is urgent-and doesn't understand how urgent it is for you to have a night off.
Could you present him with some options

He meets his brother in town and brings him home for beers and a sleep on the sofa/buy an air mattress even. It will probably be easier for the brother to talk at yours

He asks his mum-who is pushing for this fraternal meet up to come and watch your DD

He meets his brother tomorrow

Xenadog · 17/07/2015 10:41

I would tell him that by all means he goes and sees his brother but just to make sure he's taking a bag of clothes and all his personal stuff because he wouldn't be welcome back for a very long time.

You haven't had a night out for 8 months without the baby and your friend is visiting from Germany that trumps him going to the pub with his brother.

OP he does sound like a selfish twat who is taking you for granted and if you let this go now it will only set a precedent. It's his brother, his childcare issue for tonight so he sorts it. If not then take a bag of clothes and stays with BIL.

CrapBag · 17/07/2015 10:50

YANBU. Your much needed night out was arranged first. DH says "sorry brother robotic has a night out planned, we will meet another night, if it's urgent then phone me"- end of.

He should NOT be telling you that he is coming back late when he is staying at home with his daughter that night. Plus what is the good of him coming back at your usual bedtime! He just doesn't want to have to stay in while, you go out.

Carrie5608 · 17/07/2015 10:57

Could MIL take the baby for a few hours. Dh can pick her up on the way home.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 17/07/2015 11:00

DoreenLethal has the perfect response. I seriously hope you do get to go out with your friend tonight.
Could your DH not meet up with his brother somewhere an hour away from you so your BIL has to travel an hour to meet up too but do it tomorrow???

Original poster

RoboticSealpup · 17/07/2015 11:01

Just wanted to update you on how it panned out, seeing as you've put effort into thinking about my problem and answering! Thanks.

BIL cannot come over, he lives 2 h away and has early shifts and long hours at work. Both of our families live in other countries - there is nobody who can babysit.

I've told DH how disappointed I am. DH is sorry, but genuinely thinks that BIL has some serious problem that he only wants to talk about in person. He offered to take half a day off with to go meet him and come home in time. I told him not to (in case we need that half day for me to go to the dentist or something) but I appreciate the gesture. My friend and I are going to a new artificial beach in London instead today, which I'm pretty excited about.

DH is a fantastic partner and not normally selfish and I really don't think he's doing this to get a night out as he doesn't even enjoy drinking and is very much a family man / homebody.

Maybe I'll let you know what the mysterious "issue" was.

OP posts:

CrapBag · 17/07/2015 11:13

Let's hope that BIL doesn't manage to monopolise the whole night then so you can still get your night out. I am wondering what it is that can't be discussed over the phone.

And may it's time for your DH to do some weekend night shifts!

tumbletumble · 17/07/2015 12:00

Thanks for the update, OP. It sounds like you've come to a compromise which you're happy with. Just make sure you're alert to this 'being the default parent' issue from now on. I totally get throwing yourself into the SAHM role, but it needs to have limits or you may find that you've lost your own sense of identity somewhere along the way. It's good for DH and DD to bond, too. If you have no family, maybe start looking into paid babysitters so you and DH can have a night out together sometime?

Let us know what BIL's issue was!

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 17/07/2015 12:06

I agree that this isn't the time to pick a fight, but you need to get a bit more balance in terms of time off. Both parents should have the same opportunity to go out, exercise, pursue hobbies and so on.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 17/07/2015 18:21

Sounds like a great resolution.

Original poster

RoboticSealpup · 18/07/2015 08:40

OK, final update. All terribly undramatic ;) DH came home at 9 pm. There was no issue, as far as I can understand, BIL just needed to have a moan about work and lack of love / social life... Oh well. Went out with friend and had a great time! DH on baby-duty last night.

If it hadn't been for mumsnet, though, I wouldn't have realised that I was perfectly justified in being annoyed. I would have just been seething with resentment and probably had an argument when he got home ("I knew he just wanted to moan about his job, and still you drop everything!" I can see it.) That would have put a dampener on things for my night out!

OP posts:

OliviaBenson · 18/07/2015 21:25

Glad you had a good night op. As there was no issue BIL needed to talk about, I think you do need to make clear to your DH that this must never happen again. His wish for a night out does not trump your prior engagement.

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