to think this mother has been rude and thoughtless (birthday party related)

[lem73]

Last week we invited a girl from dd's class for tea. Let's call her Amy. She has only just started this term. When we dropped her at home the mother said thanks etc and the little girl whispered something in her ear. So the mum said 'oh yes, would your DD like to come to Amy's birthday next weekend (Sat 18th)'. I said yes that's fine thanks for the invitation, she can come'. The mum said she'd give me a proper invitation at school, she was just a bit disorganized. I couldn't help thinking dd was just an after thought but as it was said in front of dd I had to accept. Anyway she hasn't given me an invitation and I'm sure she's trying to avoid me at school. I didn't really care til dd came out of school and started asking questions about Amy's party on Saturday, as some girls were talking about it. I said I'm sorry we've not been given a proper invitation so it looks like you're not invited after all. She got upset and said 'but her mum told me I was'.
So my question is this: AIBU to think if you tell a 7 year old child to their face that they are invited to a party you don't change your mind and hope they are either forgetful or thick skinned? I agree not everyone needs to be invited but she told dd she was and has apparently changed her mind. In the past my dcs have gone and invited extra kids to parties without asking first and I would never dream of letting a child down, even if it costs extra. It was even her child who did the inviting, it was her.

My friend's DD had a friend like this throughout secondary school. She let her down so many times it was untrue. Her mother never said a word. She was bullied at school, went to three different schools and ended up being home schooled. Other kids her age said she was the bully and was dragged out of school by an indignant mother when she got in trouble (rather than letting daughter face the music). She was bought a horse and kept it at the same stables as my friend, who was a special needs teacher. My friend helped her for hours in free tutoring before her GCSEs without either mother or daughter saying a word of thanks. The girl never went to any of her exams as "she was feeling under too much pressure'. At 15 she got pregnant and had a baby. My friend thought her horses feed was being stolen so she put up CCTV and caught the girl and her boyfriend stealing. When mother heard she flew up and screamed the place down at my friend for calling her DD a thief, saying that DD had previously asked to borrow some and my friend must have forgotten! They were thrown off the yard by the owners. The mother has done a truly dreadful job of raising a child. It sound like Amy's mum is of the same genre.

I wonder where that girl is now honey? She's not been well prepared for life

Luckily dd has not had too many dramas like this, but a few near misses. I posted earlier that we had an "Amy" to tea who subsequently had a party and didn't invite dd. I also discovered via the jungle drums that the mother was sort of interviewing the other mothers to find the most suitable friendship group. I honestly don't quite understand how I failed . Dd did go round for tea and said afterwards she felt uncomfortable as she had tea with parents who were grilling her as to what dh does for a living. Dd's friend's mother who is absolutely lovely was also found wanting.

Anyway, "Amy" or rather her mum settled on the most approved family - large, church-going, very worthy carrot sticks and no television sort of people and wooed them such that new friend dumped all her old ones. These girls are now the Queen Bees of year 7 and quite mean with it.

Brenda We had an interviewing Mum too! She arrived in year 1 and proceeded to invite EVERY girl in turn for tea. We were rejected. Funny really because her DD refuses now to be friends with the girls her Mother chose for her and persists in playing with my DD and her best friends who are undoubtedly the roughest girls in the group...always up trees, always filthy and not from well off backgrounds...LOVELY though. Her DD has good taste.

Be grateful you learnt this now rather than in a few months / years time when your DD was invested in the friendship & stay well clear. Glad your DD isn't in her class next year!

Lem73 the incident with the feed and stealing was only last summer. She's still around. No job, not many friends. It's sad really. The worst incident with my friend's daughter was just as they left school. The spoilt girl asked her to go on holiday to Spain (they were just 16). My friend's daughter saved and saved for her second holiday abroad, paid it all herself out of her Saturday job money. They got to the airport and spoilt girl had a "panic attack" and refused to go. So my friend's daughter didn't go and lost all she'd worked and saved for. That was when she finally realised the spoilt girl was not worth bothering with and found real friends.

That's really horrible honey