AIBU - to expect him to discuss this?

[snowydrops]

DH and I have just had a huge row. Basically to cut a long story short he is in a full time job but has a 'pipe dream' of being a singer (he's very good) i am in a permanent job which I quite like but not that bothered about really. We have two DCs aged 3 and 5 months So the other day he spots an advert to join a band touring next year who need a singer. He applies and mentions it over dinner last night (with kids) lightly and shows me film of band. He doesn't ask my thoughts and I am so busy I don't give it much thought. Then today I ask him about it and he emails to say they liked his application and is he potentially available to audition next week. Again he doesn't ask my thoughts. My thoughts are that it could be a good thing, I'm not opposed to us all going (should that be possible) but obviously I would 100% not want him going alone given our family set up. I emailed him and I guess rather abruptly said 'maybe you should consider whether you would be happy to potentially have to leave us three to go on tour before you go for an audition' I can see that would have pissed him off but I was upset he hasn't asked my opinion. The rest of the email was general and friendly. He replied saying he wouldn't want to leave us and he had applied on basis we would go with him. This made me feel better but AIBU to expect him to at least ask my feelings on the idea before potentially attending an audition?

He is 100% just gone mental at me saying I am over thinking it, he shouldn't need to ask permission and all this other stuff (horrible stuff) about me ruining it all and being so hard to live with etc etc. maybe I was annoyed and snapped at him but I think I am in the right to expect he mention it to me and ask my thoughts before saying he would be available for an audition mainly because if he gets it then where would we be?! He says I think 100 years into the future and am over thinking it. I probably am and I probably don't need to 'worry' but I feel as a couple and a family, things like this maybe should be discussed before you apply for them as it would affect all three of us?!

What are the thoughts of mumsnet?

The thing is, if it really is his dream, then what has he been doing to make it a reality that could work for the whole family? He could potentially earn a living as a singer if he built up a reputation and was prepared to put in the time and effort required (and if you were prepared to pick up the slack when he was out gigging/rehearsing). It won't be glamorous and he will have to put in a lot of work in the early days without getting much money or recognition, but he could earn money from it if he is good enough and is prepared to pay his dues as it were.

But just getting an audition and going on tour with an established band is hugely unlikely to be a family friendly option. He will not hold any real sway in the band, so will be unlikely to be able to have you join him, he won't have any control over the schedule so will have to fit in with the commitments that the others have already agreed to, and he will be the only one who really benefits as he will get the adoration, but not be bringing home much money or even much in the way of reputation that he can use to bolster a solo career should he want to pursue one.

Thanks DoJo, all very true. In his defence he does what he can in terms of music, when we met he did more but because we had kids he upped his paid work (which is v well paid BTW) so that I can work part time to spend time with kids. He does some music outside of work and had a band until recently which made money (not much) but he loved it. He had to stop it as we moved away (a long way) and had a second child, I am sure if he restarted that he would be happier. But I do to an extent feel we stop him pursuing his dream. Although part of me would love to tell him to leave work and just focus on music I can't as we need to pay the mortgage! Whenever he has spare time I encourage him to do stuff but I think he may have to accept that the days of going on tour may be over unless he is the next Ed Sheeran!!

Thanks for all advice anyway. I've kept myself to myself tonight and will basically hope he comes to his own conclusion if and when audition day comes up.

My partner plays in a band and the dream is to make a living from it one day. Although they make virtually no money from it atm we have actually spoken about it in depth and we know where our lines are drawn on this. As long as my salary can support us both - not even necessarily to our current double income standards, but enough for us to get by - if the opportunity comes to do the band as his main job then we've agreed he will take it.

We have discussed the finances and practicalities of it, if we can both quit our current jobs and I go on the road with them (I do sometimes already but it's not full time) then we will but if he can only go alone then that's how it is. But I would be annoyed if he just dropped such a thing on me, especially if there were children to consider.

I think he's getting carried away with The Dream without thinking of the practicalities. It doesn't sound like you would even necessarily have an issue with him going on tour, but some consideration towards his family would be appreciated. I think at this point you'll have to wait until after the audition and discuss it further then. He may not even get it.