Is it U for my 6yr old to never see his classmates outside of school?

[IUseAnyName]

My son is in a small school, with only 9 in his class.
He plays with one other boy in the class but struggles with the other kids due to various reasons.
We don't have any play dates out of school and never meet up with other families due to difference of interests.

Is it U for my son not to see school friends outside of school?

In fact, he doesn't see any kids his age outside of school! We have been in the area for nearly a year, and tbh I am struggling with making friends with likeminded interests who also have children and live close by.
We are a very active family and spend most evenings after school out biking or walking or kayaking, but none of the other families are in to that, so we just do it as a family of 4. But I feel guilty that my ds should be having friends outside of school?

I don't think there is a right or wrong in this, as long as both you and your son are happy with the status quo.

Fwiw, I have a dd, no siblings and I do make an effort to socialise with other parents/kids from her nursery and other groups she goes to. I have health issues and it takes a lot of energy to do this. However we are new to the area, no plans for further children and my daughter is a sociable child who enjoys having other children to play with. I hope I am laying some foundations that will benefit her later, but who knows? I had a mum round this afternoon with her kids for the first time. Before they came I was knackered and thought I could do without it, but actually the sun shone, the kids played well together (not a given!) and I had a good natter. It actually lifted my mood. It's unlikely we will become bosom buddies, but she was nice, I am nice, it was a pleasant afternoon, certainly not wasted, and who knows, from small acorns and all that!

At that age, I didn't see school friends out of school. I did go to Brownies and to swimming classes and to a neighbours house with kids my age.

I never made any good friends at any of the groups because I didn't have my social circle to fall back on. Plus, it so happened that people at those groups had their school friends there.

I remember even at 6 or 7 feeling the anxiety of an impenetrable social circle that excluded me, because I didn't know how to play with peers out of the context of school.

I did not have playdates. I only went into my school friends homes when they had birthday parties, we played outside a lot.

My dc have playdates with a few of their closest school friends. They were first invited and I reciprocated. I get to build friendships with the mothers and they have fun!

By nature, I am the 'pick them up and run' mother at the school gates. However, I make an effort for them.

My boys are exactly the same! They are bussed to a school outside of our local catchment as they are in a SALT class with only 8 other kids.

They do go to Beavers and they are twins so they get some interaction outside of school. I started them in Beavers for this reason.

Thanks everyone.

I need to make more effort!

We don't. But that's got everything to do with us both working ft and not being part of the school run thing. It worries me. I think poor ds is at a huge disadvantage but there's not much we can do about it

Going to clubs is a good start, but I do think it's really useful to have some j structured play both in groups (eg the farm meet ups) and also smaller groups and 1-on-1 at your house or other kids houses. It really does help to learn to be adaptable and navigate the social minefield of being a human.

I think you have to suck it up occasionally and take your children to soft play and the farm now and again. I think you might come across to the other parents as being a bit snobby about doing less outdoorsy stuff.

As other posters have pointed out it isn't an either or situation. You can take the children to soft play occasionally and still enjoy bike rides etc.

When DD was little we used to do soft play and outdoor stuff.

Don't be too hard on yourself op, if you have a 1yr old youu must have relocated when still a baby, meaning you have been busy enough as it is.

In mmy experience it takes a. Year to really start to feel established somewhere. A pp also had good advice about finding like mminded people outside the school circle, then you'll be able to mix it up a bit a bit ofoutdoorsy friends and also bit of community socialising for dc.

And don't forget, people never think abbooutt you as mmuch as they think about themselves. For all you know they might be secretly intimidated by supermum hikiing or on a bike with baby!

I think I need to put ourselves out there too, which is scary!
My ds is only in reception but the other kids all have well established friendships from nursery a d toddler groups..... Something I miss from old location as that's what ds had. But I feel like we're starting again but with less choice :/

Can you not do both? A bike ride for a few hours finishing at the pub garden/soft play/farm to join up with the others?

My best memories from childhood are with my friends. And for my DC their best friends are the ones they meet outside of school.

To be honest, you sound a bit superior and as though you think that, if anyone accepts your invitation to join you, they will be converted and do those activities themselves every day after school & at the weekends. If this people have always lived there, they are presumably familiar with the local area and what it has to offer and have decided to go to the pub or soft play instead - even if only for this immediate stage of their lives. Going to the pub or soft play is easy with young children. Food, drinks, toilets are all readily available, you can come & go as your please depending on what else you are doing, how much energy your child has, what else you have on etc. Meeting up for a bike ride is very different (at least in my experience). You have to meet somewhere at a specific time, you will need to have your food and drink with you or get to a place where you can buy food within a certain period of time, you have to hope that your child goes at a similar speed and has similar stamina levels to the other children in the group etc.

What is your set up? Do you work? What about your DP? I am curious as to how you get to go walking, kayaking etc after school in your family of four. On the days I work, the DC go to childcare after school. On the days I don't work, we still can't do anything as a family as DH isn't home until bedtime.

We moved a few years ago. For the first couple of years, I was constantly racing back to where we used to live to see my friends there. I was constantly comparing where we now live and the activities on offer to those where we used to live - and loudly finding the local offerings wanting in front of those who have lived here for decades. In retrospect, I am surprised that they put up with me! Since DC1 started school, I have realised that this is where my life is, there is a lot on offer here (although it may be slightly different to what I am used to) and that most of the people who live here are really nice. As I get to know them more (often due to spending a morning in soft play or an afternoon at a local NT place), I realise that we do have things in common or, even if we don't have a huge amount in common, that they are fun, kind people who are good company for a night out. As a result, both the DC and DH and I are socialising more with locals out of school and I think we are all benefitting from it. DC1's friendships have strengthened and also broadened as those we socialise with at the weekends don't entirely overlap with those she mainly plays with at school.

One further thought - when you say your DS "struggles" with 7 of the other 8 children in his class, what do you mean & why does he struggle with them? Is this for cultural or language reasons? Does the 8th boy also struggle with them?

hardtoknow i dont find myself superior to others who don't do other stuff besides softplay and pub, but I would like for my son to make friends with people from likeminded families. I struggle to get anywhere further than 1st base with parents from my sons school.
I'm not sure what my DH & I's work situation has to do with anything???

He struggles with the children in his class due to there only being 2 boys. Although he does play well with the girls, he finds a couple of th a bit bossy and he doesn't like that they make him be a baby in all their games. Another girl he gets on really well with but she is away at her dads every weekend so we dont get a chance to meet up. one of the boys is veru rough and hurts my son alot so we stay away from him. The 2nd boy is my son's friend in school and the get on well, we have met up a couple of times outside of school but it never goes any further.

I think when you say you suggest meet ups at the lake but it never maTerialises you need to be the one to make it materialise. Suggesting it vaguely and hoping someone else makes it happen probably won't work. So, school hols are never a good time for meet ups as people are away but why not suggest a back to school meet up in a Sunday in september at the lake or wherever and people can bring a picnic. Make it somewhere accessible to people who don't have a car or don't have bikes. You organise it and invite everyone and remind
them before.

My ds has never seen many friends out of school partly because parents control their kids' friendships so much and I worked full-time so didn't know them.

I suspect it will gradually change now he's at secondary school as they all have mobile phones, Instagram accounts and the like so can contact each other than make arrangement themselves. But he goes swimming and sees friends there, and is in the scouts, so sees people there. He doesn't say that he feels lonely although I think he does get a bit lonely during the summer. This summer though he's away for about 4 weeks.

As for YOU making friends, it's easier to make friends if you have a common interest. So for example, I run and have friends via the running club, some have kids some don't and they are of all ages. I also took up cycling recently and ds comes with me, so I am beginning to make friends/acquaintances that way. I've never really made or stayed friends with people that I met via kids' activities, there needs to be another connection. That could be the area I live in because people are quite affluent and aspirational and judge you completely on money and car etc. If you're all out for a bike ride it's a great leveller!

If you want your son to make friends with like minded families you are probably living in the wrong place- but I am not sure where the right place is.
What is "wrong" with the other families that your son can't learn about diversity of interests and family life from mixing them. Why would you only encourage him to socialize with like minded people?

You do keep coming across a little bit as I will like and socialize with them if they would just do what I want, because I don't want to do what they want to do.
Which is fine, you see it a lot in young children but they learn to compromise socialize pick and choose and sort out friendship groups that aren't necessarily clones of themselves but a diverse range of people, they find the things they like in people, they learn to get on with all sorts of people in life-which is handy for work and for socializing and interacting in society.

No, I'm all for meetig a doing different interests with dc, but it's just the whole paying a fortune to go sit in a grotty cage and drink beer that I don't like... Our local soft play is connected to a holiday park, which is why it sells alcohol.
I sound like a snob writing that but tbh, i'm not in to it.
I meet in the park after school and that's nice, so maybe that's where it's going to end.
I am in the process of joining a cycling club so hopefully that'll help.

I honestly think you need to suck it up for your son. Most parents don't enjoy sitting in soft play but when you have small children who like that kind of thing, that's what you do! It's important for your son to play with children his own age, and if, at this stage, the only way that can happen is if you take him to soft play or a children's farm for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning, then that's what you'll need to do.

You can still spend the rest of your free time doing other things, but restricting your son because YOU don't like it is a bit unfair. I doubt any sane parent enjoys soft play every weekend - but when you have small children, that's what you do to make sure they're socialising and seeing their friends.

The year group situation does sound a bit tricky for your son. There more children there are the more choice. Are so very remote that you cannot access a bigger school? I think i would consider a bit of a linger school run if there were other benefits. Maybe include the year above and below when organising a meet up?
Do you have anyone to help with the little one or are you busy with work?
You could consider helping at the school, maybe setting up a cycling club or similar, i have found in small communities it is worth trying to participate as much as possible, you also get the benefit of getting to make friendships with teachers or other adults in the community.

I have been living the expat life, which has not at all been my cup of tea. I quickly learnt to start with attendibg every bloody luncheon coffee morning possible. It was worth the 50 bits of small talk to finally narrow down to a few people i had something in common with. It didnt come naturallt as i hate small talk and those kind of events, but i realised it was either that or isolation.
And yes, i did secretely snub the expat mums i met at the beginninf who attended ladies' lunches. Then when i started goinf i realised we are all just human beings looking to make.a connection and maybe find a friend, and we were all in a similar boat.
Just saying, your situation is different nt, but same principle.

Try to see next academic year as a fresh start, and don't overthink other people's reactions so much!