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AIBU to think there's no coming back from this?

20 replies

Homewreckerunsuccessful · 15/07/2015 12:46

Not sure where this should be- doesn't seem fair on Relationships board though. NC for obvious reasons. Will try not to give any identifying details for married man/his family but tell me if I have.

5 year affair which was discovered by MM's OH a few times but continued. Supposed to me something proper but always being given excuses and now had excuse plus needs to think more about it (contrary to previous assurances that is all happening).

No excuse from my part. Not in a horrible abusive relationship, no MH issues beyond the usual depression and lovely family background. I'm just a terrible person.

He has DC and is older. I don't and due to 5 years of stupidity have left it too late now.

I can't talk to anyone IRL other than a couple of friends who have had years of this and no longer prepared to discuss. I don't know that I could have lived with myself had it all worked out and therefore been nominally worth the pain to his family but now it hasn't I really don't think I can. Pi'm really scared that am going to hurt myself and can't see any future. No one else will want me after this even if I hadn't left it too late for DC.

What do I do? How can I even start to make amends for this?

OP posts:

RachelRagged · 15/07/2015 13:03

God you do sound distressed OP .

Don't want to read and run . He seems to have come out unscathed in all of this and has DC.

I have no idea of your age so cannot comment re "leaving it to late for DC" .
If you truly feel like harming yourself I would call the Doctors surgery right now.

Don't beat yourself up, it took two to carry out said affair,


midnightvelvetPart2 · 15/07/2015 13:17

So you are the OW & have been having an affair for 5 years & now its over? Is it over, as its not that clear in your OP?


Homewreckerunsuccessful · 15/07/2015 13:21

Rachel I think the doctor is sick of me but thank you.

midnight yes and sorry not clear.

OP posts:

TRexingInAsda · 15/07/2015 13:22

So you're single but you've been seeing a married man for 5 years who's promised it was something special, and now he's had enough and left, and while he still has his wife and kids, you have nobody?

First of all, if you're not married, you didn't have an affair, he had an affair. It is shit and obviously you feel bad, but you believed the classic BS he was feeding you, and of course it was all bollocks. Don't beat yourself up about it, but learn from it - actions speak louder than words in relationships.

Do see your GP if you are possibly depressed or at risk of harm/self-harm. It's ok to ask for help and support, no matter the circumstances. It must b very raw at the moment, 5 years is a long time, and it's a big shock to realise it was never what you were led to believe it was, but you will feel better in time.


MarchLikeAnAnt · 15/07/2015 13:23

YABU what's done is done. Move on with your life, no one need ever know you were a mistress.


ghostyslovesheep · 15/07/2015 13:26

he wont leave - he has everything he wants right where he wants it

leave - move on - be happy


maybebabybee · 15/07/2015 13:27

Sorry you are feeling like this. If you are feeling really horrendous could you perhaps ring the Samaritans? You need help and support.

I sincerely hope no one comes on here to villify the OP for being the OW, it's neither the time nor the place.


Homewreckerunsuccessful · 15/07/2015 13:29

TRex am off the AD for now but maybe I should go back. I do feel so hopeless and the children thing has upset me a lot. I guess I feel like I can't say to the dr why I'm finding it so hard to cope but I guess they've heard worse.

March I would hope I'd not have to tell family & friends but if I did ever meet anyone else it would seem like a huge thing for them not to know, but equally I can't see how the relationship could carry on if they did know. I hate secrets so I have no idea how I ended up here.

OP posts:

maybebabybee · 15/07/2015 13:30

How old are you OP? It's possibly not too late for DC?


Homewreckerunsuccessful · 15/07/2015 13:31

maybe thank you but I'd deserve it anyway. I went into this with my eyes open- his wife and DC didn't.

OP posts:

Tangerineandturquoise · 15/07/2015 13:31

Stay broken up is my advice! Having watched someone else do something similar from the sidelines, don't go back! Because as shit rotten as you are feeling today, if you go back to him when he calls and he may well, you are going to be feeling a hell of a lot worse about yourself than you do today

You have had a breakup. There are healthy stages to go through with a break up, including mourning the loss of a relationship and getting to you are better off without him-and you are.
Being distraught over a breakup doesn't make you depressed.

Now would be a good time to throw yourself into some challenging exercise-running body combat something like that. Give it your all.

Then make some new friends. Reconnect with old friends- don't have nights out bagged down by this affair- the highs and lows will he wont he please don't judge me chats- go to the cinema go out for dinners go for drinks.


maybebabybee · 15/07/2015 13:32

oh love there's no point beating yourself up about it. no one deserves to be this unhappy. he is the married one - I know this isn't necessarily a popular opinion on MN but I'd have to say that most of the onus is on him.

one of my colleagues has just had her first baby at 45 after a series of affairs with attached men and otherwise disastrous relationships. she's now happily with someone else. it really is never too late.


Epilepsyhelp · 15/07/2015 13:38

You are wasting your life on this hideous excuse for a man. You need to stay strong and stay away for good, for your own sake.


midnightvelvetPart2 · 15/07/2015 13:38

You should leave him & your relationship behind & move on. I'm pretty sure he will contact you again to restart it but just steer clear of him as he has shown you that you're basically good for a fuck but for nothing more. You cannot make amends, just move on.

He is following the classic line of promises & not delivering, he won't leave his wife whatever he tells you, why would he? He can have it all without leaving her.

Don't worry about dealing with future relationships yet, cross that bridge when you come to it. For now just concentrate on healing yourself & focus on what you want for the future.


pocketsaviour · 15/07/2015 13:38

No flaming from me OP, you believed this man's lies and are suffering as a result (as is his wife, no doubt.)

This struck me from your post:
no MH issues beyond the usual depression
Although depression isn't uncommon, it's striking that you refer to it as "usual" - almost as if you believe that you are depressed and will continue to be depressed for life?

Were you being treated for depression prior to meeting this man?


sparechange · 15/07/2015 13:39

I'm not sure how this makes you a 'tainted woman' that no one else will want to have a relationship in the future?
Unless you are planning going around with an 'I'm a former OW' badge on..?

The relationship has run its course, he can't give you what you want (in common with lots of relationships which are exclusive) and you've gone your separate ways. He now has to deal with the fallout from what he did to his wife, and you can walk away and look for someone who will give you what you want. This isn't something to have a pity party over. Move on, and make a more sensible choice next time.


packofbaloobas · 15/07/2015 13:40

I don't understand you being so sure that you will be judged by a future potential partner. Everyone has a past and whomever you meet next won't be snow white either. I honestly think that you have this lown out of proportion in your own head.


WhoNickedMyName · 15/07/2015 13:52

firstly, stop with all the 'nobody will ever want me' 'theres no coming back from this' drama.

secondly, delete and block his number, email address, all forms of social media, and do not respond to any further contact from him.

if you're truly feeling like harming yourself the call the samaritans right now, and make an appointment with your gp as a matter of urgency.

go out with friends, join a gym, take up a new hobby, read a good book whatever it takes to distract you from thinking about him.

perhaps consider some form of counselling to work out why your self esteem is so low that didn't tell him to fuck off as soon as you realised he was married, or pursued a married man, whichever was the case.


MadameJulienBaptiste · 15/07/2015 14:01

I was an OW in an affair that I was conned into continuing after discovery.
The eventual end was horrible and I felt a lot like you do now.
When I met Dp, and sometimes exes would come up in conversation, I just said that in the past I'd been very stupid and gullible and had a long affair with a married man.
Dp didn't bother at all.
come to think of it, the only time ex MM has been mentioned at all in the past 10 years or so is on here, or in RL when bils marriage split and I recognised all the signs of a MM having an affair even though he denied it.
(I was right)


DadfromUncle · 15/07/2015 14:07

No one else will want me after this even if I hadn't left it too late for DC.

This is not true - your judgement is clouded now, but I can assure you it's not the case. Once you look behind closed doors, and beyond a few judgy folk, you will find that many of us have done things in the past we'd rather not repeat or talk about - relationships can be complicated and messy - there are plenty of people who know that and will love you for who you are, and not be concerned about history.

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