To ask for strategic tips with pushy class mums

[Threelittlemuppets]

I have the impression that every class has one (or more) of these. In our case the mother makes up what she doesn't have in terms of social skills and manners and brains with talking very loudly, always shoving her dc into the classroom first squeezing in in front of you, ignoring everyone but the 'inner circle' of class mums and generally being aggressive in her body language.

We are at a quite nice school and although her behaviour stands out she is buddy /buddy with the teachers (she stormed the doors of school on day one to volunteer) and she has made herself part of the 'inner circle' for lack of a better term.

I am afraid of her because she seems volatile and playing a political game where she is. Involved in everything at school. I worry that if she talks badly about me to the other mums I will be ostracised. .

I have no issues with other social spaces (work for example) but some mums at school really seem all about pushing in and taking control.
How can I survive the next many years of primary school as I get really stressed out by people like this.

Am I bu to worry and ask for wise MNetters's top tips to survive the plYground? .

I think OP given that you're feeling vulnerable that you have things slightly out of context and also that you're seeing things which aren't there. Volunteer, join the PTA.

I smile and be polite to everyone but never engage in serious conversations or talk about anyone. It's all kept very lighthearted. I also do not get involved with anything, and I mean everything. I drop off and pick off - nothing else. No volunteering or all that jazz.

School is for the kids, not for parents to socialize. I've got better things to do.

This.

Sorry but I'm with those who think that you're overthinking. She's loud and a bit abrasive and she only talks to the people she knows? None of these are crimes. I feel so sad reading all the comments about 'school gate mums' as if they are some different species. They're just a cross section of women in their 30s ffs! You can't expect any more or less of them than you would any other slice of society. And I think in particular men tend not to be criticised for being loud or pushy (these are seen as positive traits in men!) or cliquey (somehow a word that only comes up when describing female friendships - which are also not a bloody crime!). Sorry op not aiming this rant at you in particular, this is just something I see so often on mn and it depresses me.

My top tips?

1. Assume that everyone is basically nice, although they may express it in differing ways
2. Be pleasant to everyone
3. Accept that it takes time to make friends - several years IME
4. Have confidence in yourself, your DC and your parenting

oh how disappointing, I thought I would read about lots of example of other pushy mums at school! We definitely have them and all my friends in other school have them in tons!

The one I am thinking of specifically, I call her perfect mum, is very involved in the school and church, have 4 perfect children, only talks to you when she wants something, organises the best parties at home of course and is generally quite nice although she annoys me and I think she is slightly scary

I don't think you need ways to deal with her. She may be 'pushy' but it doesn't sound like she's being pushy towards you in any way.

You say you're friendly with some of the mums, but not the 'inner circle.' Well, that's only a problem assuming you actually want to be in the inner circle, if that's even what it is. If not, let them get on with it and concentrate on yourself and your own group of friends.

School is made up of all sorts of different people. some will be nice, some nasty, some pushy and so on.

I hated the whole school gate gossip thing so never got involved. There were one or two mothers I would chat to but if no one I knew was around I'd just stand and wait by myself. Never bothered me.

I was never in what you call the 'inner circle'. The reason for the 'inner circle' in my DCs school was because they'd all pretty much grown up together and gone to the same school; I was an incomer. I would however, chat to one or two of the mothers who were in the inner circle; whole thing never bothered me tbh.

If you're feeling left out maybe you should get involved in volunteering at the school. That's always a way to get to know more of the parents.

Like pp have said you are definitely over thinking this. It's probably a good idea to not let this woman bother you so much.

Used the word bothered far too much in that post beginning to sound like Catherine Tate.

There are a couple that I have valid reason to know are arses, either pushy, snobby or ridiculously pfb or all 3, but I generally just smile and wave whilst privately thinking 'knob'. I've only felt the need to do anything more when someone has said something to me I feel too strongly to let go past.
However nothing you say makes me think this mum or the others are doing anything unreasonable. Some people do lack social awareness, or they're shy, or busy or they have reasons you don't know for doing things. And parents shouldn't see school gates as a place to expand their social circle, nice if it happens but not something to expect.

Be careful you aren't projecting all your insecurities onto this Mother - how can you possibly know she is any of these things? In our school we have parents that want to volunteer and I applaud them not come on an internet forum and slate them.

You do realise that the school run doesn't have to be a social gathering?.... You can choose to ignore ignore ignore everyone and still your child will be fine in the school.

There are some bolshy parents aty sons school which is great as I never have to volunteer for anything :)

There is one mum at school who does my head in and defintley the whole school is happy to work around her.

But luckily they are the year above ds.

This mother literally stands in the entrance every morning. My ds is in nursery so we have to take them in. She stands in the door way every morning for about 10 mins. People can't get in nor out. She isn't talking to the teachers. Just stood there. They now have banned all but nursery parents from going in. She is a pita, but some people are. It's no different in any group of people.

Next year her dd will be on year one and ds in reception so they will have a different door.

As for the aggressive body language etc. it maybe in your head. Maybe not. But really all you need to do is drop your child off. All you have in common with these people is your child's age.

Iuse

I agree Im quite grateful for the odd pushy organiser types....in fact I want to shake their hands as they volunteer for everything which means I have more free time

Its like dogs and children - when they behave like this they are attention seeking - ignore and move on or you just encourage them - say hi to those you like and are friendly with and just mov eon from the rest - its not worth the time or the energy.

I know I have a rep for being a bit of a bitch but then I say it like it is - I am older been there done that and won't put up with shit. I also stand up for myself. There are at least two idiot Mums who took me on - I was ignoring them but they had to come and stand toe to toe - wibbled on about this and that and I just told them how it was - very factual very polite but wrong footed them. They didn't like it and made out like I was some evil woman - but then half a doz other mums came up to me and basically thanked me for putting them in their place and that they were sick of it etc etc. I see it as their issue not mine.

Ignore and always ask yourself if what you are feeling is really due to thoughts that you which have nothing to back themselves up

It is hard to move to a new area, don't make it harder.

If you'd really like to be part of the 'in crowd' as you see it, admit that to yourself and start to speak to them.
Giving their familiarity or actions a mal intent will not help you move forward
Some of them may have known each other for years, be related to each other on some level, have had previous children at the school etc which could explain their ease both in the playground and with other mums

The school drop off and pick up is 20 mins of any day. I was new to my area, like you, but I never intended to make any friends from it.
I find that people have different amounts of time and different reasons and ways of being - let them

What do you think you're missing out on OP? Is there some power or status to be gained from hanging around your kid's teachers?

When I drop DS at the gate in the morning the only teacher in evidence is the HT because she stands at the gate and locks it on the latecomers. Anyone standing around to chat would be in the way and get trampled eventually.

After school the teachers bring the children out and hand them over to parents, they're too busy handing the right kid over to the right adult to chat.

There are some who help out with reading and stuff, they're hardly an inner circle though. Hang on! Unless...maybe everyone is in the inner circle except me!?

Hi, it is hard when you are new, but I think even harder when you go around thinking it's hard - 70% of communication is non verbal (you must have come accross that in prof circles). Drop off is a funny time to connect with people, esp if you are feeling uncomfortable. my advice to you would be to look at what is on socially advertised in the library, church (if your thing), sports centre, park etc and go along to something that appeals. Then you will in time meet local people, maybe one who may pass you at the school gate and then you are going to have contact with 'people at school'. My experience is social contact in school comes from outside school. I'm a pta avoider as a chance to make friends, but still have lots of friends and contacts but hardly ever hold proper conversations with any of them in the playground. Hth, I totally get where you are coming from, playgrounds can be uncomfortable places if you are trying to make friends there. Look elsewhere. It takes time too, be patient and good luck. xxx

I get what you mean, it may only be for 2 x 5 minutes of the day but the playground politics is outta control round here!
I am a periphery mum and I suppose we are a 'clique' of our own, we go to the park together, arrange days out, meet for a drink in the evening etc. we just don't do it at 10,000 decibels & I like it that way.
As for volunteering- go into the office & say you'd like to be a volunteer reader (or lunchtime helper whatever) they'll do a crb & that's it. Write a note to the teacher to say you'd love to help out on the next trip. No need to shout about it.
Alternatively barge your way into the 'inner circle' but be prepared to up your paracetamol intake because it's crazy in there

we have one of these mums, pushy, seemingly self absorbed, part of inner circle, always avoided her till one day got to school early and she was there alone and to avoid awkwardness asked her how her ds had settled into having new teacher, we had a lovely chat and ifound her to b b very lovely, after I felt very silly for judging her.