AIBU to send a note to my Ex's daughter?

[Tice]

Hi, and thank you for reading.

I split from an abusive man 5months ago and went through the MARAC process to get away. He has grown up children (in their 40's) with whom I have had no direct contact until June.

Ex and I we together 10 years and have 2 ds who are entering yr 3 and college in September. The boys live with me, 2 nights a fortnight with their dad. I've sorted out a mobile for our eldest as he is going to a college 10 miles away.

Since the split I have sent birthday cards to my ex's family from the boys and me- kept it simple and just signed my name. I'm not trying to broker contact otherwise, if it were not for the boys I'd not send a card. their dad does not do any card sending.

So my birthday came in June and I received a card from Ex dd - I'll call her Molly. I was quite surprised as an awful lot of 'what Molly thinks' (v.negative) has been 'passed on' to me by ex.

Anyway cutting his drama out, it was clear from her card that she probably never said half of it anyway as it was nicely worded. Her birthday is just after mine, and on Father's day ex took the boys to visit Molly to celebrate both occasions. I made cakes with the boys - one each for everyone who'd be there and a card from the boys and one from me beacuse theirs was a 'sister' card.

So here is the AIBU - Molly thanked ds1 by text for the visit etc, and added 'thank your mum from me too.'

DS was really uncomfortable with that. I don't want him being used, even in a nice way, as a conduit for messages and bless him he's been through enough. There is background here that I wont go into now.

It's Molly's daughters birthday soon, and we painted her a card. AIBU to put a little separate card in the birthday envelope to Molly from me saying something along the lines of 'pleased to hear from you and if it could not be via the boys that'd be lovely, wishing you well, Tice' (I have not got the wording right )

I have to create a safe place for my boys, and boundaries with the ex. I'm still supported by a dv service and we are on the verge of being re-referred because of his behaviour towards me recently (he lives locally), the only thing holding it back is because I'm keeping the boys safe and not rising to his nonsense (eg flipping me his middle finger at me across the field at the school sports day)

His other children clearly don't have a clue what he's saying and doing. I have no intention of changing that.

Am I going OTT to gently ask for this 'not via the children' request?
Wait to see if she does it again first?

Any thoughts greatfully received x

Mumsnet wisdom AIBU?

A note saying "lovely to hear from you. Here is,my mobile number and email address for future contact. Hope your dd enjoys her birthday"

That way she's got contact details without mentioning the kids.

I think she was just being friendly and polite.
It would have been different if it was tell that fucking woman to fuck off or something.
But it was a thanks to your mum.

It was just a polite thank you text, I think you're reading too much into it.

Btw, if you split 5 months ago and were together 10 years, how do you have a son together old enough for College?

Agree with coffee and bloody.

nice idea coffee,
bloody - we've had that already but via the ex slightly diffreent wording but relayed in front of ds,
winter they call senior school college here - yr7 upwards

thanks for the levelling words- I'm recalibrating to normal bit by bit x

I'm sorry for what you've been through OP but I do really think you're over thinking this.

"And thank your Mum from me", is just a perfectly normal, polite, run-of-the-mill thing to say.

I'm not sure why it made your son uncomfortable. Perhaps you could gently find out why?

Perhaps he too has read something else into it, due to all the upset?

I agree with coffee, and think that her message is the way to go. I think Molly probably just asked your son to pass on her thanks as you have had no direct contact with her yet, so this is her way of approaching you gently. You also don't know what your ex has been saying to her about the situation and about you. Sending coffee's suggestion would let her know that you are happy for her to contact you directly.

Ignore the stuff your ex says.
He is a bitter person who wants to find any way to hurt you.
Found that out the hard way. Ex nearly destroyed a friendship because he was projecting his own twisted ideas and blaiming others.. Just he said it one time not realising the person who he was blaiming was in my house, listening and set the record straight.

But yes make sure she has a contact. Even an email just for her. If things turn nasty, you never have to log in again or block her.

I can understand you not wanting messages passed through your child when they are negative, but I do think "And say thanks to your Mum for me" when you've done something nice is a very normal thing to do.

I do get that your experiences will have had a massive impact on you and your children, but I don't think you could ask that of her without explaining the situation with her father because it would seem like a very odd request. If a child gave me a birthday card from their Mum I wouldn't even think before saying "Please thank your Mum for me".

"And thank your Mum from me", is just a perfectly normal, polite, run-of-the-mill thing to say

100% agree. You are reading far too much into this. Fragile bridges have been constructed; what you are proposing will bring them tumbling down.

Coffee's wording is fine- your "not via the children" isn't.

Agree Nect, Bloody - glad you had that day and good idea on the email - was thinking of just putting in my mobile for now, Lalyra - good point about avioding explanations.

All roads lead to coffee x

Thanks Lass - and why I'm here: getting my neck saved my mnet. x

It sounds like she may well be a useful person for you to keep on side, with regards to your sons being safe and someone having an eye on them when they're with their Dad. She probably knows him well and has some idea of what he's like. I don't imagine he was that great to her mother either.

I think that you need to consider if making an issue out of this would be wrote the cost of alienating her. I really don't think it is. I think she would be upset that a normal polite thing was being classed as wrong.

Helpful thoughts ourdear I'd rather have as little as poss to do with his family tbh tho they've seen and heard an awful lot and never ever did anything. They all 'know' their dad, but that never helped me or the boys when things were at their worst.

Oh and "OP aibu?"
Answer "yes "
OP - "Fair enough"

Totally agree with everyone here. I saw a boy yesterday, whose mum and I am friends with. Said to him 'say hi to your mum for me' . It's not putting them in the middle. She wanted to thank you, but didn't have your contact details.

I do also get why you and your son feel that way though, given what's happened. Definitely just give her your details.

I think it's one of those situations where you wonder what people can actually do to help. I think the impetus to leave has to come from the person being abused, and when that happens is the time to offer support.

I've seen it happen a few times with abusive relationships that if a family member interferes the abuser will freeze them out completely and occasionally where both the abuser and the abused have turned on that person for trouble making. Plus you also have to consider that she may well have grown up in that environment and seen it happen to her mother and knows that attempts to help are fruitless until the abused person realises they need to make the break.

She's being nice. Don't try to read stuff into it that isn't there.

I agree with others.

I can see your concerns, but say thanks to you mum isn't really using DS as a go-between and I don't see how you can say anything without damaging a fragile relationship. Certainly not by text/note.

Agree with PP. I know when you've been through abuse it's really tricky to see the bigger picture sometimes but I really think stuff along the lines of 'say thanks to/hi to your mum for me' etc is completely normal...

Ok Mnet - looks like you've saved my bacon here. Muppet alert on this one then - I'm looking forward to seeing things like a normal person very soon, at least my instinct bought me here and not to the post box!

She does have my contact details, had them for years - her card said she still thought about the good times we had. Her dad has passed on very nasty and hurtful messages to me from her up until this point, and made boys aware. That's where the fear thing comes in with the messages.

Here's what I've decided to do - not send any note. Post the birthday card to Molly's daughter and give my boys a big hug and reassure my eldest that Molly's message was a normal friendly thing and she's trying / being a kind sister by thanking us. If she sends another one, then we are just one step further into happier times.

Thanks for confirming I can do right by stepping back and saying less.

Thanks for the vision and strength mnet!!! xxxT