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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if it's ever acceptable to invite yourself somehwere?

26 replies

EmeraldThief · 14/07/2015 21:26

Say if you see a group of people that you know but aren't really friends with, talking on Facebook about doing something you like the sound of is it ever acceptable to say, "oooh can I come along?". Obviously I'd not invite myself to a party or invite only event, but if it's in a public place and they are discussing it openly on Facebook surely it's OK?

It's such a minefield. I was always taught it's rude to invite yourself somewhere, yet other people seem to do it all of the time.

OP posts:

Bair · 14/07/2015 21:31

I wouldn't, but I'm a grumpy old woman and am of the mindset of 'if I'd wanted someone's company I'd have asked'.

If it's a public event there's no reason for you not to go if you want to though.

Original poster

EmeraldThief · 14/07/2015 21:38

I suppose if I was confident I'd just rock up there, but I'm not confident sadly.

OP posts:

maggiethemagpie · 14/07/2015 21:38

I'd be terrified of doing that in case I wasn't wanted and was either rebuffed, or worse, told I could come along and then felt awkward/uncomfortable/unwelcome when I was there.

Marmite27 · 14/07/2015 21:41

Anyone who's ever said the same to me has always been invited along.

Which is how a random colleague ended up coming with my mum and I on her (mum's) birthday treat!

Original poster

EmeraldThief · 14/07/2015 21:47

Oh I'd never invite myself to a family event, I think that probably is pushing it.

OP posts:

Marmite27 · 14/07/2015 21:53

It ended well, I was her bridesmaid a few years later :)

Though she says I invited myself as revenge!

FurtherSupport · 14/07/2015 22:04

I could never do it, as PP said, I'd be too scared of rejection, but I'd be happy enough if someone did it to me.

Haggisfish · 14/07/2015 22:16

I'd do it, and have done, if I didn't think the others would mind. We all had a great time!

Original poster

EmeraldThief · 14/07/2015 22:22

Yes, it wouldnt bothers me if someone did it to me either. I suppose its just a fear of rejection thing I suppose.

OP posts:

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 14/07/2015 22:26

Pretty much never acceptable. Terribly bad form to put people in the position of either having to say no or having you come along when for whatever reason they didst want you there.
At best you can say something like, oh that sounds fun, and give them the opening to invite you then. Of course if its a public event you can go along, but you can't go with them.

CrockedPot · 14/07/2015 22:26

No! When I was six, I was terribly upset at being the only child in our (small, everyone knew each other) street to not be invited to another girls birthday party. So my mum TOOK ME ANYWAY! Even at six I was mortified, and remind her of it. You ain't invited, you don't go, in my book!

Chesterado · 14/07/2015 22:30

I've just done exactly that, on Facebook, but it's a keep fit thing so that's ok right?? (paranoid now)

SavoyCabbage · 14/07/2015 22:33

Can you not say something like 'I'm going there too."

FunkyPeacock · 14/07/2015 22:35

It would really depend what the event was and how well you know the people - I don't agree with Winter that it is 'pretty much never acceptable' but you would need good judgement as would not be a good idea to ask unless you are reasonably confident that the answer would be yes

I think it would be more acceptable for a one off type event (e.g. concert, festival, trip to races or whatever) that you got the impression was being organised on the hoof. I would never try to invite myself into a well established group (eg. Book club or similar)

ScrambledEggAndToast · 14/07/2015 22:36

I wouldn't have the nerve to do it now even though I'm 32 and if it was a public place, there would be no reason for me not to do it. However, when I was a teenager, I used to have no problem doing it and would happily invite myself places if I hadn't already been invited. In fact, I made some of my best friends that way

Original poster

EmeraldThief · 14/07/2015 23:14

Surely Book Clubs are open to new memebrs though? Not that I want to join a book club, but if I did I'd have assumed that they are open to anyone who enjoys reading and wants to talk about books?

OP posts:

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 14/07/2015 23:28

I think there are some times when it would be absolutely fine and some when it would be awful - but it can be hard to judge which is which!

Something like "I've always wanted to see X in concert" or "I was thinking about booking tickets to that too" are good openers which lets them either extend the invitation or politely rebuff without offending

FunkyPeacock · 14/07/2015 23:29

It would depend on the type of book club I suppose and one organised by a library for example would be open to everyone I imagine

I was more think of a more informal book club with a group of good friends

ShelaghTurner · 15/07/2015 03:26

Only example I can think of is an established group of 'fans' on Twitter were talking about booking tickets to see this person in a play and I would like to have gone with them. I'm not a new fan but not part of this group and only vaguely known to them. I hinted but no one bit and so I left it. I would hate to feel that I'd gatecrashed anything, it would ruin the event for me.

PLUtoPlanet · 15/07/2015 07:22

I think it's rather rude to discuss outings/ activities, which not everyone else is welcome to go to, in full "view" of everyone else.

I get particularly pissed off seeing pictures of birthday parties DS hasn't been invited to, tagged and "hunned" all over.

IJustLostTheGame · 15/07/2015 07:32

Do it.
You weren't going any way so if they say no ...
Just say 'I'd love to do that, please let me know if any space comes up or you need to make up numbers'

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/07/2015 07:35

I think the only way is to say "That sounds like fun" and see if they ask you along. IF they do, great - if they don't, then all you've said is it sounds like fun, so it's not really a rejection or anything negative.

If you don't say anything at all then they definitely won't invite you, because how would they know that you'd like to go?

Original poster

EmeraldThief · 15/07/2015 07:50

But Shelagh if it's a public, ticketed event you'd have had just as much right to go as they did if you had tickets? Maybe you should have been a bit more foreward about it?

OP posts:

ShelaghTurner · 15/07/2015 07:55

Oh I know I could have gone anyway. But it was a four hour round trip and DH would have had to stay home with kids as it was a work night so I didn't fancy going on my own. I was a bit of a wimp I admit

Indiestarr · 15/07/2015 12:36

Interesting to read about your party experience CrockedPot. We are currently in the midst of a family feud because DD organised a 'bff' party for the end of term and invited her close-knit gang of 'bffs' but not her cousin, who is in her year but not part of this gang. I did gently suggest she should be invited but DD didn't want to. However, I now wish I had insisted as my B and SIL are really annoyed that she was 'excluded', have stopped talking to us and are threatening to cancel our planned family holiday! I can't help feeling the cousin would've been an outsider at the party, but if I'd known the trouble it would cause I would definitely have insisted!
(Sorry for the thread hijack - didn't want to post in an obvious place!)

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