Awkward!

[midlifehope]

So we're moving in just two days to what is essentially my dream house, after 7 years in a tiny bachelor pad. My parents have helpfully come up to help us pack as I'm 32 weeks pregnant with a 3 1/2 year old! They have pitched their touring camping van on a campsite immediately to the rear of our new property so they can come and go and do not impose too much, which is very thoughtful. They are generally very helpful. However my mother just mentioned that her brother / my uncle who has just come off anti depressants has been having panic attacks (lives alone) and so they have invited him to stay at their caravan 2 days after we move in. And my mum has invited herself to stay at our new house to make space for him in the caravan. Am ibu to feel a by annoyed about this? He's obviously not in a good place and will be spending time in the house not just in the caravan. I really wanted the first week in our new home at least to be about bonding with me ds dp as a nuclear family. I don't know what to say to my mother without offending her. Especially as she has been so helpful! Help!!

Any quick advice before I knee jerk call her and say the wrong thing???

I think YABU a bit. Bonding "as a nuclear family" can happen any time, your uncle isn't well....your Mum was presumptious but it's not worth getting upset about and your DS might enjoy the extra company!

To be honest, I think I would just suck it up. You'll have a whole future to be with your nuclear family in your new home, but it really sounds like your uncle might be needing some family support at this time. You aren't BU to be annoyed by the change of plans, but knowing how depression and anxiety has affected one of my family members, I wish I was there more to help support her though things.

Agh I agree OP this is awkward! And YANBU to feel annoyed and to not want him to stay. I think you should definitely say something to your DM. Agree though it could cause awkwardness unless handled very tactfully. But your DM has put you in awkward position here! She should have checked with you that it was alright first! Is there some reason you could give for it not being convenient- to do with the dc for example? or is there perhaps a guest house or something nearby where the uncle could stay? Or perhaps suggest he arrives after the first week once you've all had a chance to settle in? Wish I had some more helpful suggestions, but hopefully others will be along soon with good advice. Good luck OP!

Sounds like your mum is worried about your uncle. It will only be for a couple of days. They can keep your ds entertained whils you sort the house. You aren't necessarily BU, but I would just go along with it. Good luck with the move.

If I were your mum and you called me to complain about it, I would certainly prioritise my own brother's mental health above your house move.

Thanks for the reality check. Despite it being a shock it sounds like he is in need. I was just very surprised my mum didn't mention it to me until after she had invited him up!

I suppose you will have to choose between having your parents to help (and your mother in your house) and your uncle around, or no parents to help you around.

I don't think its unreasonable to say it would have been better to have asked you. Any chance he will say no?

Also I didn't want it to freak out ds too much if uncle is mentally all over the place as ds is already a little unsettled by the move!

Annoying it guess your mums a bit torn. She promised to help you but now her brothers not doing well. Perhaps suggest mum taking 3yr old to play on campsite, keeping uncle company too during the day while you unpack in the house.

I imagine that she had to think on her feet when she offered.

When I have been in similar situations, I've reminded myself that I have everything....a family and my mental health and a home full of people who love me. It's nicer when it's shared.

Yes good idea purple. Uncle smokes like a chimney but will not let him smoke near house! Also he has been a little short with ds now and again (he has no kids) and I won't tolerate that either (though wouldn't really know what to say!!)

Yes the house - you are right indeed

It's awkward yes. Thinking back to our house move last year, I don't think I would have been over the moon to have people staying anytime in that first week. The house is generally chaos!

On the other hand she has been very helpful and as you say you are pregnant and have a toddler so I would probably suck it up and put her to work (if she is capable) even her watching your toddler whilst you get things done will be helpful. I'd also mention that you would have appreciated being asked first and get a definite time frame for how long they will be there!

I doubt your DC will notice much about your uncles state of mind. He'll be too focused on the move/new bedroom/unpacking. If your uncle is feeling fragile he may want to keep, out of the way of a young child anyway.

Your mum probably felt she had to offer, and she hasn't done anything wrong, she's trying to help her brother who sounds like her really does need her. This way, she can be there for both of you at the same time. I'd try and be supportive. A house move is stressful, but if you're moving onto your dream home it's going to be a positive thing in your life.

Just want to add to my post- having had experience of anxiety and panic attacks myself I know it can be acutely distressing; have lots of sympathy for your uncle, and can appreciate your DM wanting to make sure he's ok. The support is probably massively helpful for him. But can also understand where you are coming from OP. I hope you manage to find a solution that suits everyone.

If you want to bond a nuclear (surely you already have?) then you need to pack, move and unpack as a nuclear family. Your parents have kindly offered to do a significant part of the hard work of moving. Be gracious and invite DM to stay with you whilst DF and DU stay in the caravan.

People aren't mentally ill all over the place when they are depressed or having panic attacks. I'm sure lots of people here have panic attacks and no one even knows. If he was recovering from an operation would you be happy to have him.Having an unexpected visitor is a pain but him being depressed shouldn't make it any worse. He may sleep a lot and keep to himself as usually happens with depression.

Thanks basic - good points. I think I just had a very fixed idea in my mind about how the first few days would play out, and now I have to revise that a bit!!

I'd be a bit bothered too, especially not being asked first - I hate surprises! - and so much is going on already. But, agree with previous posters that sucking it up and counting your many blessings is absolutely the right thing to do.
Your mum sounds like a very, very lovely person btw.

Thank you - the general consensus seems to be not to rock the boat.

I would say no, moving into your new home is obviously important to you and you didn't invite any guests! Don't be pushed into something you're not comfortable with, if your DM wants him to stay in the caravan she can go home and he can pitch it somewhere else! She has essentially invited your uncle to stay with you which is not on.