Too many kids to buy for!

[DeeDee40]

Hello guys. Bit of background. DH and I do not have children but would like one soon. He is one of four brothers and only one has kids. This brother earns a very good wage so his wife doesn't work. They have four kids ranging from 7 to new born. They also very sadly had a son who died so technically they had five children.

Here's the issue they are a very closed family, probably due to the tragedy they've been through so family have to almost make an appointment to see the kids and they often cancel at last min. This causes FIL a lot of stress. Anyway now they have four children my DH feels that the Christmases and birthdays are a bit much. We buy for mum dad and four kids for both. Also they have a just giving page for the boy who died so were expected to give 20 quid in that each birthday and Christmas alongside sponsoring his dad to do charity events. My DH feels that it's getting too much to be spending all this money on them when there's only two of us and we're paying off a wedding and have just bought a new house. Compared to this family were average earners . DH said today that if he didn't put money in nephews charity account twice a year his brother would ask why or get a face on if he or his wife didn't get birthday and Christmas present. Are we being unreasonable to cut this back a bit? X

Tell then you are cutting back.

Come over to the Christmas threads for bargain presents for the children and you could easily halve your costs for nieces and nephews.

Get BIL and SIL a joint Xmas present and tell them you won't be doing adult birthday presents anymore.

The deceased child is a bit more difficult. Maybe you could say that you will always remember them but that you want to support your own charities.

Stop buying parents and set a £10 budget for each child inc child that passed away. Who cares if nil gets a face on

Nil=bil

Could you buy cheaper gifts/buy through the year from the sales and for the children only? We have a kids only policy in our family as there's so much to buy otherwise.

re: the JG account, is it for a charity donation or towards a memorial or something? I've never really encountered a twice annual donation request to one, burn then I've never, thank goodness, suffered the loss of a child so feel I can't really answer that one

We only buy for children as there are 10 grandchildren on my side then 4 on dh's side. It all mounts up.

I would spend less money per child. Plenty of presents available for £5-10. The charity donation is a bit weird, but it's a sensitive area I suppose, so I would probably talk about not doing adult presents and keep that on maybe (but I'm sure you don't have to give £20, that's quite a lot I think).

I tell them you are cutting back and don't want to do adult presents. You could do a family present for everyone at Christmas and smaller birthday presents just for the kids.

Alternatively you could get together with the other childless siblings and do joint presents.

It's a bit much to be doing ten presents for the family every year

i think you need to do what's right for you and your budget- and if they don't like that, tough.

i'm single and childfree and i totally understand what you mean about the expense. It's too expensive for me to keep up with the 'norm'....i have 7 siblings and 10 nephews n nieces, my friends, and then there's the 'office collections' for birthdays/maternity/leaving do etc.....it is impossible to spend a reasonable amount on everyone, i can't afford it. And although i know it's not about the money it really pisses me off that i end up spending more on other people than ever gets spent on me.

i would suggest choosing WHO you wish to buy gifts for and on WHICH occasions - this includes birthdays, christmas, easter, anniversaries etc - and what your budget is re gifts - whether that is a budget per person or an overall figure of what you can afford as a whole over the year.
e.g, you could decide to buy gifts for the children only and have a budget of £x amount from which to buy all birthday/xmas/easter gifts from. Or you could say ~~ birthdays - kids only, christmas - everyone.

personally, i wouldn't feel comfortable with nor want to feel forced into paying birthday money for someone who has passed on - it's fine if the parents want to do it but it's not alright to expect other people to do it. i have a charity of my own choice who i choose to support so when anyone asks/expects me to cough up for theirs i just politely tell them i can't afford to support any others beyond the ones i'm already committed to.

once you've decided then let the adults know. you don't need to go into detail, just say that you have to work within a budget and these are the people/events that you will be concentrating on. If anyone gets stroppy just look them straight in the eye and tell them you've made you're decision and you don't need their approval for it.

i know some families where it's only the children who get gifts, the adults don't. Remember....gifts are not meant to be compulsory despite what the social norms dictate.

i find that if i plan in advance i can save money in the long run, i.e, i buy wrapping paper, cards and gifts that i know i can give to someone etc during the sales. Boxing Day and New year sales are the best, i usually get about 90% of my stuff then for the coming year seeing as i only buy for the kids so i already know what's suitable. my budget is £10 per person max given their ages, as they get older i might have to increase it a little. i've already decided the regular presents will stop once they reach 16 and after that it will be for special birthdays/occasions only.