To not go to my best friend's 30th?

[LondonLady29]

My best friend's 30th coincides with my cousin's wedding and I feel terrible about it. My cousin is getting married up north on a Saturday in a few months time, and my partner and I will need to travel three hours each way to get there so are overnighting Friday and Saturday night and returning home on the Sunday. We have family flying in from overseas for the wedding and it's a big event.

My best friend's 30th birthday is on the same Saturday as the wedding, in her home city three hours away from where I live and about 4 hours from the wedding. About 6 weeks ago she told me for her birthday she was planning something but never confirmed the date (I know I know when her birthday is and should have thought then, but never noticed the clash until a week ago when I was rsvping to the wedding).

My friend had asked a group of us for our emails to start a group about the event about 6 weeks ago but hasn't sent any info yet. She texted me about it today so I asked her to confirm which weekend it was and have told her about the wedding that weekend. She hasn't said much but I can tell she's very disappointed and miffed.

AIBU to miss her birthday? I genuinely wish I could be there but can't miss the family wedding. Any advice? How disappointed would you be in her position?

Stop texting and emailing and get on the phone, explain to her that you understand how disappointed she is. Then make an arrangement to do something special together.

YANBU. And let's be honest, it's only relatively recently that birthdays with a 0 have become this big huge thing. I can understand when someone reaches 80 or 90 or 100 that it's really special. But she can't seriously expect you to miss a family wedding for a relatively minor birthday.

And I agree, go out for a meal or a spa day or something with her after the event.

"Best friend"? I agree, speak on the phone or in person. See if there is another date you can treat her to dinner if you can't make it to the party.

I would be dissapointed BUT if my best friend had a family wedding on that weekend I would personally move my party to accomodate her. A wedding > a birthday and family > friends.

To explain the texting thing, normally we see each other every weekend and text/ email in between but she's away at the moment somewhere with bad phone signal and we are in the middle of a text conversation so was asking for clarification of the dates. Didn't want to leave it until when she's back in over a week.

I'd be disappointed but I'd understand, my best friend missed my 30th because of a big family party that was hours away.. I was a bit upset, but I got over it, because it was no one's fault, just an unfortunate coincidence and she didn't plan it that way!

Could you take her out for afternoon tea/cocktails as a celebration just for the two of you?

I skipped my cousin's wedding to go to my best friend's 30th... And feel fine about it. I speak to best friend daily, see her at least twice a week; whereas I literally can't remember the last time I saw my cousin and have never had independent contact with her.

I made the decision that was right for me. If you feel the wedding is the right decision for you, talk to her. Stop texting about something that's clearly important to her! I hate phones, but would absolutely ring my best friend to discuss something like this if I couldn't do so in person.

Depends how close you are to your cousin. I gave certain cousins whose weddings I would not miss, whereas others I've not seen since childhood.

If it's a close knit family and the wedding invite came first then it triumphs over a 30th. It sounds like your friend should have organised things sooner if she wanted to be sure people could come.

I think family wedding trumps best friend's birthday. Just call her up and explain that you'll do something special together as soon as you're able.

It's a shame, but I'd go to the family event since you have family flying in from all over.

If she hasn't completely set the date in stone, maybe she would shift the weekend of her party if she really wants you there? But maybe it is set in stone already. If so, just say you'll make it up to her and see her another time instead.

The wedding trumps the birthday, and I think you already know that.
I think the idea of doing something special afterwards is good. Take her out for lunch at her favourite restaurant, have an all day Spa day, or go to the theatre.

I don't want to downplay your issue, but this is crazy. If she's your best friend SURELY she understands about family committments? And, quite frankly, if she really really wanted you there she'd have negotiated with you on the date.

It wouldn't cross my mind to be upset if my best friend couldn't make a birthday party because of a family wedding. Having said that, for my 40th, my three best friends and I are currently discussing possible dates for a weekend away somewhere we've been talking about going for years. We're coming from different countries so it's a logistical nightmare but I wouldn't have dreamed of just announcing the date and then getting upset if some of them couldn't make it.

Tell your friend you're sorry. And suggest something fabulous for the two of you to do together.

I suppose she is miffed because in her head you know the date of her birthday by heart, and should have realised much earlier that the date of the wedding was the same as the date of her birthday (presuming she's actually having her do on her actual birthday?).

However, I think she would be unreasonable to carry on being miffed about it for long, especially if you organise something nice for the two of you to celebrate her birthday on another day.

I've responded asking if I can join on the Sunday or take her out separately and have had no response. That was this afternoon.