Family issues...

[Ih34rtchocolate]

Looking for an outside perspective on my family drama, as I don't know if I'm being unreasonable...

I'm at risk of falling out with my grandmother, who I've always been quite close to, over how much time I spend with her (or rather how much time I don't spend with her)

The background is that I work full time, have at least a 2 hour commute each day and therefore usually spend at least 12-13 hours out of the house every day. We live about 20 miles away from her, and therefore by the time we are home from work, have cooked dinner, walked the dog and done a few jobs, calling on a weekday just wouldn't be an option really, assuming I actually want to sleep too. Therefore the only opportunity I have is to go at the weekend, but weekends are the only free time that me and my partner have, and are filled with housework and trying to have a social life too as well as see both my family and his, plus try and find some time to actually just relax, as we both have quite demanding jobs and my other half is on call at least 1 week per month as well.

We try to fit as much as possible in though, and yesterday was an example of this...we got up, I cleaned the house from top to bottom (thoroughly, as our landlord was coming this morning!) whilst my partner did the garden, we stopped early afternoon to visit my parents for a couple of hours, then went to my grandma's for an hour or so, then his parents, before finally getting home at 8, grabbing a bite to eat and finishing the last bits of cleaning, before sitting down to chill out for an hour before going to bed at 11 as we're up at 6 for work.

I was therefore quite upset this morning to get a text from my grandma saying that whilst it was nice to see us both it was obviously just a courtesy visit which she found upsetting, and basically she doesn't think we spend enough time or make enough effort. I don't manage to go every weekend, but I do try to make it every other at least, and I also call or text during the week. I feel like life is a constant juggling act, that mostly I'm not very good at!

I'm upset and a little bit annoyed by this...I think she's not appreciating the hours we work etc, we always say she is more than welcome to come and see us too (she still drives, whereas my partner and I share one car) but I don't want to fall out or cause drama, I'm an only child and my mum is inclined to take my grandma's side...sorry for the very long rant but am I being unreasonable?

I think sometimes elderly relatives have a habit of not realising/forgetting that the majority of young women now work, as 'in their day' most women didn't, and it doesn't occur to them that the fact you are at work is the reason you don't see one another as much as perhaps they (and you) would like.

When you try and explain this to them, they then seem to think that any visit is a 'duty' visit, because you are 'far too busy to bother' with them most of the time.

You can't really win either way!!!

Just tell her straight. She's only 78 and sounds cognitively all there and pretty healthy. Just tell her "look, I'm out of the house 13 hours a day during the week, have a lot to do at the weekend and I chose to spend one of those days coming to visit you and dparents. I wish I had more free time too but it's very upsetting to get a nasty text when I've gone to so much effort". She sounds like a demanding old cowbag to me!

She's not even elderly - only 6 years older than my dh's parents and they'd never dream of carrying on like that!

Of couse 78 is elderly. People of all ages can be selfish, thoughtless and - if this thread is anything to go by - make stupid assumptions about other people.

Op it sounds like you're doing everything you can. I don't think you're being unreasonable and you've absolutely no need to feel guilty.

Pippa you are a saint!
I have similar from my grandma OP although she wouldn't say anything, just makes passive aggressive comments about how she supposes she should consider herself lucky I visit at all.
YANBU

I suppose the term "elderly" is relative. Some people are clear in their minds and relatively healthy at 78 and others are not.
It sounds as if OP's Gran is quite capable.
My Mum at 95 has lost all concept that people have any other life with any other responsibilities.
She isn't doing it on purpose-its connected with cognitive decline and her own anxiety.
OP's Gran sounds able to hear the truth if its put politely.

Just "We enjoyed seeing you at the weekend. Life is hectic and we are really busy at the moment".

What is quite concerning is that OP's Mum who is still working full-time doesn't seem to get it either. Perhaps she is the one needing a dose of the truth.

What I mean is that 'elderly' isn't a value judgment - although it's regularly used as one on here. As far as I'm concerned, it's just a statment of how many years you've been alive, nothing more and nothing less

Yes Flo I think you are right. Over 65 is elderly but being elderly says little about someones mental and physical capacity on its own.

Could grandma visit you? Maybe with your parents when they're visiting you?

Can she not come to you? My gran tries this but I remind her that a) I come to her more often then she went to her nans b) I only have weekends free and other friend/family to catch up with too and c) she is perfectly able and capable to come to me and save me the 45 minute drive. She has more free time, she just chooses to spend it waiting and expecting people to come to her because she's the matriarch.

Fair enough flo - I don't think of 78 being particularly elderly and definitely not 65, I suppose I think of elderly as being old and frail. But then some people are in very poor cognitive and physical health in their fifties. What I meant is just that OP's Grandmother sounds to be in a fit state to give it to her straight and let her deal with it.

"Just tell her straight. She's only 78 and sounds cognitively all there and pretty healthy. Just tell her "look, I'm out of the house 13 hours a day during the week, have a lot to do at the weekend and I chose to spend one of those days coming to visit you and dparents. I wish I had more free time too but it's very upsetting to get a nasty text when I've gone to so much effort". "

I think this response from littlejohnnydory would be a very good response.

What I meant is just that OP's Grandmother sounds to be in a fit state to give it to her straight and let her deal with it.
Yes I agree, littlejohnnydory, she's being thoughtless and I don't think her age entitles her to any special treatment.

YANBU but unfortunately I doubt your grandma will be able to truly see it from your perspective and understand how much you are juggling. If you try and explain it could sound "woe is me" and exacerbate the situation. Best to say something like: "we love spending time with you and do it as often as we can with work and all other commitments, but just because we're busy it doesn't mean we are not thinking about you and don't want to see you." And then when you are there try not to appear stressed or rushed.

For a moment I thought you were talking about my great grandmother

She is renowned for being selfish. I am quite frequently "summoned" and guilt tripped because I do not visit enough.
She happily forgets that I have a young child, I work (unlike all the other grandchildren, most are SAHPs who have time to visit relatives), I have a husband with a very demanding job, I have a house to run and a father in law to look after as I am the only one that actually can.
Not forgetting that up until January of this year I was visiting my great grandad in a care home almost every week because NO OTHER FUCKER IN THE FAMILY went. (Other than my DM). She forgets this of course, because I am the black sheep, not like her other golden grandchildren who are actually able to see her every day.

I am also told off regularly because I don't update her on every single minute detail of my life.
Frankly, she's a nosy cow and has become one of the most self-centered people I have ever met.
When my Grandad had to be moved into a home she was more upset about the fact that I and DM chose to see him every week (because again, no other fucker used to go) and not her. Everything has to be about her. Everything. It drives my DH mad!

But I could never say anything, lest I incur the wrath of the golden grandchildren.

Sorry OP I don't have any advice, but you (and pp's) have my sympathy, it could be my granny you're discussing
When I lived at home I visited regularly and even when I was at uni (4 1/2 hour drive or 6+ hours on train) When I did come home for a (short tiring after travelling) weekend I always tried to make sure I popped round.

More recently I settled with my husband 140 miles away (due to work) but my mum still lived in same town so still tried to visit her when visiting mum even though I'd either have to hire a car and drive up late Friday and leave Sunday lunchtime, but even then I was berated for not visiting enough or for long enough, and most of the visit was a run through/rant/bitch about Mrs so and so I've never met.
I bit my tongue but then when mum and (now ex) husband started having issues she took sides with him and ranted to me my mum was being unreasonable/told you so in spite of dv physically and mentally and police being called several times.
The last time I saw her was my final trip up to help mum escape the house and move away, and since she still speaks to mums ex I didn't disclose my address when I moved to a place with my mum when she relocated.
If I send nice messages I get rude ones back about not visiting or if I don't reply I get rants
She was regularly visiting family friends a 30 min drive from me but never once popped in and when I called her out she text me out of the blue one Sunday morning 6.45 am saying she was on a coach trip and stopped at the services. There are multiple services on the outskirts of where I live, and I dont have a car, yet constantly get asked when I'm next visiting.

I feel terrible as I truly love my granny to pieces but when I work full time, hubby is long term sick and money is tight the thought of a 3 hour train journey and 30 min bus journey at £125 or hiring a car and driving up fills me with dread

Sorry no useful advice and sorry to hijack the thread but you have my sympathy and hopefully someone with advice will be along.

I do feel a bit better writing it down/hearing it's not just me

I remember two weeks after I left home, I visited my aunt. As we went to leave, I asked her what she was doing that weekend [it was a Friday] and she raged at me that she would probably be updating my mother on my whereabouts seeing as I never see her any more. Two weeks ago I had been living there.

I snapped and responded that I was now an adult, had a full time job which was an hour's commute away, and I couldn't be on the phone every day, that we had agreed to call each Sunday and it was between me and her, and to butt out.

She never said it again.

Text her back

'I really enjoyed catching up with you in the midst of a very hectic weekend! Makes a nice change from the long days I work/2 hour daily commute. It would be nice to get together more I understand, we can arrange days for you to come over to mine. I can always do my cleaning/food shopping/ironing while you're here'

I'm glad it isn't just me (sorry!) it's made me feel much better though and much less guilty.

I'm going to stand my ground but mostly in a biting my tongue way, because as a lot of you have said, she knows my situation but has still made her feelings known, so there's clearly a lack of understanding or more likely lack of willingness to understand.

It will be hard though, given that I know she comes shopping near us on an almost weekly basis at times, and doesn't think to call or see if we're around!!

We've got a family wedding coming up though, so I want to try and keep things on an amicable level for that if nothing else.

I suspect me being firm but polite may come as a bit of a shock, as she's used to being the 'matriarch' like yours bigbumtheory and my mum never stands up to her but they should know by now I'm a stubborn little cow

I had a think about this and then I compared it to my mother who has just turned 75 she goes to my sister one a week, me once a week, visit family / friends who live 500 miles away every 3 months. Friends who live in other parts of London several times a week. My sister and I both live over an hour away.
Tell her to come visit you!

Oh and all the above trips are by public transport.

My grandma has 2 siblings living nearby who regularly visit or she goes out for the day with them, as well as several nieces and nephews who live closer than I do and visit, she belongs to a weekly quilting club, and has a fairly full life compared to a lot of people her age, so she would be very capable of visiting me if she wasn't so convinced it was my job to come to her, plus she has plenty of company the rest of the time, which is why the 'no time for poor me' is so grating

It's good that you know she's active, guilt can go two ways then. 'Well Gran, I'm so upset that got don't appreciate the effort we go to in visiting you so I think it's for the next if we cut down the visits for now.'