To feel so awkward about my lonely neighbour?

[TheHouseOnBellSt]

We live in a flat, on the same floor opposite is a young woman who is very nice but she's very needy. She's a lone parent to her son who is 2. I live with DH and our 2 DC.

I've sometimes invited my neighbour round for the odd meal...it seems somehow mean not to when I'm cooking a large roast dinner for instance as there's a lot there and I know that she doesn't cook things like that for herself.

She seems to be always hinting or hoping though...and I don't always want company. Today for instance I didn't make a big dinner....just a cheese pie and some wedges...it was eaten a while ago and she just came home from her brother's house and as usual let her toddler bang on my door....one of my DC ran to open it as she likes the little boy a lot and sometimes plays with him.

My nieghbour however will just let her toddler barge into my flat and look helpless when he does it....instead of pre-empting this she will stand there and say "Oh he goes mad if I don't let him knock."

So if I don't want company I just pick him up and carry him back to his Mum...I did this today as I was trying to chill out (am knackered and have flu like thing)

She stood chatting at my door for a while, letting her son scream and try to push his way in....then she asked what I'd been cooking...I told her....and she said "Oh I was at my brother's and he and his wife were making chilli...he wanted me to stay but she didn't."

It's just SO awkward! Like she's hinting for an invitation. This time round there was none left anyway but usually we'd be eating about now and what do I do??

Just shut the door in her face and go and eat dinner with my family?

I've painted her badly because I'm just a bit fed up with MOthering her....I'm about 15 years older and she does view me as a Mother figure I know...she IS lonely and she IS nice but it's all a bit much.

DH and other DC are both out and this is one of the few times I get any alone time!

I agree the best way round this is invited on a set day like last Sunday in the month. But if you're moving soon it isn't worth having a row about it.

Starling me too. I feel a lot for her. She's young...in her 20s but a "young" for her age person....she's very much alone in the world and has no really reliable family. Her brother isn't very good with keeping in touch and the Father of her child is beyond useless. This poor girl borrowed her Dad 50 pounds recently because she felt bad that he was broke.

You can only advise someone so much though and in the end they go their own way...

Chipped how do you know if someone knows they're overstepping the mark though? Versus someone who really doesn't?

She wouldn't be turning up at meal times asking what you have been cooking, after you have given her cooking lessons by accident...

It's like talking to a brick wall. You need to detach. Being nice to people without boundaries backfires on you.

I did voluntary work with a group for years. A lady my age joined and was very lonely. I was friendly and tried to help her. The problem is some people won't help themselves. She harrassed me by texting about twenty times every day, turned up at my workplace and wanted me to spend most weekends with her. Followed me around and watched me all the time in the group. She was very kind but it got too much. After over a year of it and explaining nicely it was too much, suggesting other things she could do, I had to stop going to the group I'd enjoyed as it was like being in work.

I know you want to be nice but people like this want more and more.

Stay gosh that sounds a nightmare! She's expecting to stay in touch and skype and things but this is offputting!

Yes Thebell, and it's been going on until this week when the penny dropped and she turned nasty because I can't give her what she needs. I work full time, don't live locally to her or the group and have a partner and other friends. I really tried to be friends and had no problem meeting for lunch or tea once a week as well as seeing her at the group plus a phone call and a few texts every week so wasn't being unavailable but it became unfair. It sounds as if she's doing this to somebody else now.

I feel sorry for this girl and for you. I'm not trying to frighten you, just advising you to be careful. It's a pity as things like this stifle friendships.

OP - you sound like a genuinely lovely person x

Same happened to me as Stay. Quite willing to be friends . I invited her around met her for coffee usual stuff. Then she started turning up at my house at odd times. When l met her for coffee and l said l must go now she sighed and sighed making me feel so guilty . I was nearly having palpitations over it all. I eventually had to get so rude to her. I ended up not going places l knew she would be even though l would like to go. To this day if l see her in the street l run. I was quite happy to be kind but l ended up having to be totally straight and nearly mean.

That's a really tough situation to be in. I really feel for her but understand your frustration.

Have you ever approached it with her?

I have been extremely lonely at times and so I understand her hoping for company. I'm not sure the food really factors into it, she just sees it as a safe thing to talk about.

I don't know what solution there is but I would say that the positive impact you have had on her is probably big and is would be a shame to spoil that by cutting her out completely before you move. If ut were me I would stick it out.

I agree with Starling: You both sound like lovely people. No-one's being deliberately U, but it's not working for either of you, and she has some needs.

I feel sorry for you both (for different reasons) and I hope she has her needs fulfilled elsewhere so you don't need to feel so bad (although you shouldn't!) v soon.

Good luck with your move - that will end this situation.

Do NOT give her your new address OP.
I Met someone like this. One day the phone rang. It was her daughter's school. The daughter was sick and she had me down as emergency contact. I had no idea!

She CAN cook, you taught her, remember? Why doesn't she practice and invite you for once?

I couldn't really cool properly until I had ds, you learn really quickly. She doesn't want help to be more independent. She wants you to to do it all.

The standing there useless while you wrangle her child, the knocking at mealtimes? It's not accidental.

I thought you were going to talk about an older person on their own. This is a young woman with a child.. She's got more options available to her for social stuff than many of us.

You seriously need to teach your child NEVER to open the door unless you say it's ok.

When you move, leave it at that. She'll find someone else.

Don't give her your new address!

If you specifically asked her to check with you before she allows her toddler to pound on your door - and she's not done it - then she doesn't give a crap how this affects you, does she?

She is teaching her toddler to pound on your door and dictate to you when he wants to come in. If she won't teach him, you need to teach them both. Explain to your kids about boundaries and that you all have to teach the little boy he can't just do that - or he will never learn.

And then ignore.

If she hears your tv and you in - good! She has been asked politely and ignored your request, so she needs to be shown firmly.

Forgot to add, and if she brings it up.. Do not apologise or be embarrassed. Be surprised - you had already talked about it and she agreed to call you before allowing her toddler to knock. You will be ignoring all knocking unless you hear from her beforehand, to help her teach her little one out of this habit. And remind her soon other people will be living there, who may really get upset with her allowing him to do that.