Where do I draw the line with my ex partner?

[Frillsandspills]

I've posted on here quite a lot about the situation I've been in as I've found the advice quite comforting.

Basically, my ex P left me because I'm having his baby (even though we've been together years) and he tried to emotionally manipulate me into an abortion then spat in my face when I said no. he's been a total prick about the situation and when we didn't speak and he walked away I started becoming happier as I didn't have him bringing me down.
I recently found out I'm having a little boy and felt my ex P should know as I'd told a lot of friends and I wanted to tell him in person so he heard it from and not his friends as I thought it was important. So I managed to meet up with him in person (our nearest McDonalds at half 6 in the morning..) I brought my scan pictures and tried to cut to the chase. As soon as I pulled the scan pictures out he started laughing saying "and you brought me here for this? Did you really think I'd be interested?" (He brought me to McDonalds not me had I had my way it wouldn't have been at 6.30 in the morning or discussed over a mcmuffin but anyway). I told him I found out the sex, it was a boy, but he wasn't interested. He told me he wants me to stay away from his family as i keep in contact with his mum who's absolutely lovely and thrilled to be expecting her first grandchild. He verbally battered me saying he hates me, he wanted nothing to do with our child and that i was like a leech to his family all because they want to keep in contact.
I'd burst into tears in the middle of McDonalds and we both left and I walked home which took me all of 2 minutes and sat in bed and just cried. I then got a message off him asking what I was calling him and I said I hadn't thought that far ahead (i had but I didn't feel he should know any names I'd chosen because I was so pissed off and upset). Anyway wed both always had a name picked for a little boy as we planned to have children eventually and he wanted me to call him said name. I asked why it interested him if he wanted nothing to do with him and to be honest I can't remember what he said back but he went on to say he wanted to come round for a chat to which I agreed.
He came round and nothing much was said about our baby we just discussed his anger. He eventually left then went out for drink with his friends and called me in the early hours because he wanted to see me and he couldn't sleep thinking about what's happening, so I agreed he could come round on the condition we actually discussed things. He said he wanted me to give him time to come to terms with things before telling everyone about being pregnant (I'd only told close friends and family there's still a lot of people that don't know). I thought this was a brilliant start and he said he would come to scans etc with me and do some shopping for the baby. Alls I wanted that he wasn't a stranger and my child had his real dad who I know deep down would make a lovely father (just not partner).

As I've felt vulnerable lately his support meant the world to me even though he was the one who made me feel like shit in the first place. I let him stay over and one minute he'd want us to be friends and the next he'd act like he wanted something more. I eventually flipped because he was messing with my feelings and emotions especially because I was hormonal and I missed him even though I shouldn't.
Anyway, yesterday he decided he wanted to give our child up for adoption and when I said no he stormed off and didn't want anything to do with me. He said we could be friends but that's it but I knew we'd never be friends because he'd never see me as he doesn't want this baby but he'd led me on thinking he was coming round to the idea and that he was going to be a dad. That's all I wanted.
Apparently now I'm selfish for wanting to keep my child because he won't have a dad.

I should have known not to let him back in any way even if it was just for a few days. I feel heartbroken all over again and stressed out to the max. He really wants to move on with other women and he won't let me announce my pregnancy on Facebook. I know all of my friends on Facebook and it would be the quickest easiest thing to do to let everyone know, as I want to because I feel I should celebrate the little life I'm bringing into the world. A few friends have done similar announcements and I don't want my child kept some sort of secret, but he doesn't want people asking him questions, I assume because he's either ashamed of me, or ashamed that he wants to walk away I don't know.

I should have listened to everyone else and not got into contact with him, but i felt that i needed to give him a chance.

I need to grow some lady balls and tell him to fuck off really but I adore the man to bits and I'm still utterly shocked about his behaviour. He is NOT the person I fell in love with
WIBU to give him another chance or when do I draw the line? I don't really want to wait until my baby is born as I don't want the first weeks or months with my baby tarnished by my ex P messing me about as to whether he wants to be in his life or not. That's if he ever wanted a second chance.

He doesn't want it on FB as he stll thinks he can convince you to give up your baby. He's fucking with your head for damage limitation IMO, which makes him a very special sort of bastard.
It's all about him and always will be.

Can I also add make sure any abusive behaviour is logged with the police HV, midwife.. these things are important for your little boy

WhereYouLeftIt I was most definitely kidding myself thinking talking to him about my baby would change his opinion in some way.
I appreciate your kind words.

Perhaps I am seeming a little immature, I'm just not used to being alone and I'm clinging on to everything he's ever said in the hope it's him changing his mind BUT I need to keep a clear head. I've had to move back with parents for the support as I'd planned to move away with him to a different city which of course isn't going to happen but I just feel like my whole world has been tipped upside down and I'd love to just feel a bit normal again, and I did when he gave me false hope (when I didn't realise it was nothing but lies). But like PPs have said this is just one big game for him and of course with me feeling vulnerable I've taken everything he's said which may indicate change and thought into it too much. I get it now, he doesn't deserve a second chance.

When I read stuff like this is makes me very glad I decided to have my youngest children alone fro the start

I think you need to exclude him from yours and the babies life. He obviously needs to pay for his child and he may well want access when it's older but from now on he gets no say.

This may sound harsh but he's a selfish twunt and he knows he is. He's trying to manipulate you so that you don't make him look the twunt he is.
Sorry sweetie but he's not with you, he doesn't care about you or the baby so you have to put yourself and the baby first. Stop giving him headspace, he doesn't deserve it.

If you want to announce in Facebook then you go ahead.
If you want spend time with his mum, then let her be a grandma.
Call the baby the name you like, it's nothing to do with him!

You are NOT 'seeming a little immature' to me. You seem to me to be a woman who has had her whole world turned upside down and her future stolen from her in the blink of an eye. And on top of your natural distress you have hormones heightening the experience for you. You are still reeling from it all.

Be kind to yourself.

He sounds horrid OP.
???? you deserve so much better.

He is very concerned with how he looks isn't he? If you had an abortion or put the baby up for adoption, my bet is he would spin a heart-wrenching story of how he had begged you not to.

It's hard to snag a new girl friend when it's so blindingly obviously how badly he treated his last one.

Good luck to you and your son.

The boxes should be !

Don't let him back. Draw the line now. You can tell whoever you want, on FB if you like. There is no reason why you should protect him from awkward questions.

The way he is acting is very very selfish. I went through this, let him back after a couple of years and have recently divorced after living with his selfish ways for 20 years.

I wish I had had mumsnet all those years ago. The quote "when someone tells you who they are, listen" is made for these moments. He is telling you loud and clear who he is.

People change OP and sometimes not for the better. It's saddening and shocking when that happens because we love and rely on them. You have to accept though that he's changed and won't change back for you or your baby.

Just from what you've said here, look at this (and I suspect this isn't everything he's done):

He left you and his child

He tried to emotionally manipulate and pressure you into an abortion

He was completely disrespectful and vile by spitting in your face when you said no

You are happier and more relaxed without him around.

You kept him in the loop about the baby, he doesn't care, doesn't want to know and not only showed no interest but told you so to your face!

He knows his behaviour is shitty, he knows people will judge him for it so he's tries to pressurise you into staying away from his family. He tries to lose you support you need and your baby that loving connection with his grandparents.

He verbally abused you.

He verbally abused you in public. What does he do and what could he do in private?

He is contradictory, either playing mind games or far too messed up to be any kind of reliable or responsible or good influence for a child.

He acts like a petulant child.

He's trying to manipulate you into getting what he wants, which isn't healthy for you at all.

He tries to control you and has you thinking you can't even post what you want on your own facebook.

You may say you adore the man to bits but he is not the same man you once knew. Seeing everything he has down written down here, do you really think he's good for you or your son? Do you want such bad behaviour with him picking up and dropping your son? Maybe even saying he doesn't want him to him?

I think you would be doing yourself such a disservice to continue any kind of relationship with him- i think that ship should stay sailed far far away. In fact I would continue contact with his family and cut contact with him. I would make it clear you will tell his mum about the baby and if he wants to know then he can speak to her. His actions speak loudly: he isn't ready and doesn't want to be a dad. You can give him every chance in the world but ultimately you and your son will reap the badness from that because he will not change.

If he changes in the future and steps up then I would think about he and your son having a relationship but I would never, ever consider getting back with someone who has acted so unpleasantly and with such little regard for someone he claimed to love and his own unborn child.

And take him off your facebook, cut contact and post what you want. Do let him control you and stress you out, he really isn't worth it.

This miserable bastard has spat in your face, both literally and figuratively.
You should give him no further opportunity to insult you and mislead you.
That little bit of your life is over. Now the great bit of being a good mother to a lovely little boy is just starting. Enjoy it!

OP it sounds like he's made you think that he has all the power, that he can make people think badly of you, that he can spin lies and people will believe him and you're scared they will judge you badly if you don't do what you think people think you should do.

Don't believe him. Yes, some idiots will believe whatever lies he spins them and you may lose friends if you don't bend over backwards to eat whatever shit he decides to throw at you. But newsflash: they were crap friends anyway and not worth having. You need real friends from now on, friends who won't take as gospel anything he says if you say it's not true, friends you can rely on to support you and help you and be there for you through all this. Some of them may even be relieved that you've split from him because they always suspected that he was an abusive git but had no proof before. So don't be afraid, don't worry about people thinking badly of you, those who are worthy of your friendship and being part of your son's life, will come through and those who won't, you don't want round your lovely baby anyway.

And I echo what other posters have said about being a single mother: it's an awful lot easier than being with an abusive man, which is what is on offer for you in this situation. So don't be scared - you really are doing the right thing by drawing the line here.

OP you can do so much better, be so much more without this .. person .. using up your time and energy. Focus on your baby. Call him what the hell you want. You. Your son. No other priorities for at least a year. Enjoy life without constantly questioning meaning and intention.

He spat in your face when you refused to abort your baby. HE SPAT IN YOUR FACE. And now this useless shit-stain thinks he can hurt you by persuading you to put him up for adoption. Vile just doesn't quite cover the depths of his inhumanity

He's poisonous and very dangerous to your well-being. Cut contact completely. He has nothing to offer you and your child except more pain and suffering at his hands. He has shown you this very, very clearly indeed. I think he's depraved.