AIBU to find this woman's attitude appauling?

[NKfell]

We have 2 kids and 1 on way and DP has an 11 yr old DD from previous relationship. I've posted in Step Parenting before about how DSD can be quite difficult and tells tales/lies to her Mum but, me and her Mum generally get on OK- at least in a civil way.

So DSD was at our house and playing (DP was still working) with some school friends then I got a knock at the door, it was a Mum of another girl and she said DSD had said "I'm going to smash your face any day soon" and the other girls laughed. I apologised, spoke to DSD (who laughed) and told her I'd be telling her Mum and Dad.

DP was shocked and called her a bully, her Mum said "well it isn't bullying, if it was she'd have hit her. She said she was joking and if the the other girls laughed it proves it. Look, girls will be girls."

Is it me? Is this normal behaviour? I thought it was nasty and she should be told off?

Hmmm. It's possible that she was joking. You'd have to go through the run up to it with the other girls to know though.

The fact that the other girl's mum mentioned it means it probably wasn't a joke though doesn't it?

IMO there's nothing to be gained by labelling your DSD a bully but she does need to discuss this with the adults in her life to enable her to understand that talking like that will lead to difficulties for everyone involved. Your DSD is more likely to be receptive to being told that talking like that is unkind if you approach a conversation by asking her what caused her to say that and by explaining that you are concerned she might not be completely happy in herself as it is usually troubled people who say things like that. Is she going to a new school after the summer and worried perhaps? Or jealous of this girl perhaps? Jealousy is a horrible feeling that you could help her with.

Bullying, by definition, is repeated intimidation. At this point you know that what she said is inappropriate but you don't know that it is either repeated or intended as intimidation.

Clearly she needs to be told that what she said is unkind and inappropriate and that even if she intended it as a joke, it is not the kind of "joke" anyone should be making. I'm not sure labelling her as a bully at this stage - particularly one of her parents labelling her as a bully - is particularly helpful

Was it a joke do you think? Obviously it's not great but, knowing her, do you think she'd say or do something like that? If I heard that about some kids I'd be astonished but from others I'd believe it.

It's not bullying as a one off comment but it is threatening, especially as the girl felt the need to tell her mum who then spoke to you. However she definitely needs a talking to and telling that saying things like that, even as a joke, are not acceptable.

I think your dp was over the top while his ex was minimising, a middle ground needs to be found and your dsd needs to apologise properly to the girl she threatened even if it was meant as a joke.

If there's a problem with a child I usually look to the parents.

When I read the mothers response to the issue it just reinforced my belief.

She's only 11 but she does have an attitude and can be quite intimidating to the other girls.

I'm sorry to drip feed but this isn't the first time, DP had a call from the school a month or so ago about a similar thing and she's only in year 7.

I just feel like if it was my daughter I would want to have a chat with her, not just brush it off.

In that case then I agree with you. She definitely needs someone to take this seriously and to have a chat with her.