To think that people can't really change?

[nigelslaterfan]

I mean have any of you really changed in your life?

I wonder if we are set by a certain age but I would love to think revolution was possible. I mean you get great weight loss and fitness following illness. But you don't make a strong person out of a weak one do you?

I think people can change loads depending on circumstance. I'm a very happy teacher and see incredibly shy children suddenly come alive through drama which then gives them a totally different view of themselves. My own dd used to be painfully shy and is now outgoing and a really confident young performer. I used to be totally undomesticated and am now pretty tidy and organised. DW was angry and depressed as a young person due to her difficult home life and is now cheerful and confident.

Crikey
Erm...
Money - my DH (then BF) was very influential in this, I really learnt about keeping a proper track on my spending from him, and from that learned what was truly necessary expenditure and what wasn't. I spent 3+ years in training (after degree) and got a decent payrise once I qualified. My spending did not increase with my income I still lived like a bit of a pauper even though I wasn't any more and I worked my way out of debt and as the debts were paid off I saved that money.
Tidiness - all the way through growing up, uni and my uber-skanky house share post uni, I was properly messy. Once I got my own home I suddenly 'grew up' and became house proud!
Weight - I was overweight as a child and obese in my 20s. I didn't really realise how fat I was. I was getting married, and knew how much I weighed when I bought my dress 10 mths prior to the wedding, and about 4 mths prior weighed myself again and realised I'd put on a stone and my dress wouldn't fit, so I decided to lose it. I found it quite easy, and carried on. Stabilised at a couple of stone overweight, then approaching my 10th wedding anniversary decided to lose the rest. In the intervening years I discovered how much I enjoyed exercise, and now feel unwell if I don't exercise. From my fattest I've lost approaching 5.5 stone.
Career - my perception about who I was and what I wanted from life changed once I'd lived it for a while

I think once you reach adulthood you can change the things about yourself that were caused by nurture ( in all its forms, environment, life experiences, childhood etc) but it's very rare people change their nature at that age.
Eg if you grew up 50 years ago with undiagnosed dyslexia being told you were stupid then chances are you'd have given up academically, whereas that's something you could change and make massive academic leaps in adulthood.
Whereas if you just aren't academic by nature, you aren't suddenly going to become so age 50.
Ditto personality, it's easier to change those aspects that were formed by nurture

I believe people can change, based on my experience. Three years ago I was passive aggressive, weak, cowardly, afraid of other people, inward looking. Then a major crisis happened, partly as a result of my behaviour/personality. Literally overnight I changed totally. Even now it still takes me by surprise when I think about it.

People can become strong. 4 years ago, I was weak. Mentally and physically. I made steps to change it. By getting fit and making my body stronger I found I actually became stronger mentally. It's a confidence thing. I can do things now that I never imagined I could do before.

I am more sociable, happier and much more willing to do new things.

I've gone from extremely messy/cluttered/chaotic to extremely tidy and organised. Took 6 months and hours of hard work each week.

I've gone from sedentary to being fit and attending the gym 4 times a week

I've gone from being very educated/motivated about careers to being less career driven and more interested in pleasure.

I have been changed by my life experiences. Caring for a relative, death and having children. I'm more caring, reflective and empathic but have always retained a childish sense of humour.

OP what do you want to change?

Yes we can change! I'm the first woman in my family to not have multiple kids young and no career! I wanted out of the lifestyle I was raised in ( single parent who was unemployed drank too much and lived on a rough estate ) and worked very hard to get to where I am. As did my twin brother. So yes. I think you can change your own destiny. Just from my experience.

I too have changed mostly through life experience . I was shy quiet and always let others take the lead. My dh was outgoing strong leader type. Then he went into depression . I had counselling due to extreme stress. I am now confident good at decisions and outgoing. I always kept things to myself as taught by own family . I now have very close friends very open with them. I often stop and think. Wow is this me. My dh is still struggling with depression but l am happy as have a good life with strong support and no longer feel like a victim in my own life. It's great! Some things are still the same. I am not great at tidying but hey that might soon change too.l am in my 50s but constantly aware of not staying the same .

hairylegs
What do I want to change?
Decisions I made a long time ago.

Dc and h are fab but I wish I was someone else at the moment!

I think people will change if they realise they are not happy with who they are, or when they realise the way they are is causing problems.

Some people will moan but make no effort to change, but it IS always possible.
It was a spell of severe anxiety which changed me. I suppose it was a sort of nervous breakdown, but I changed enormously after I recovered from that.

I feel like I changed massively over the course of my 20s - especially my early 20s. I became more confident, better at dealing with people and able to manage anciety and depression. I've also forced myself to keep learning new things throughout my life - I think it's important to keep challenging yourself and keep changing.

What type of person do you wish you were OP?

I wanna be you Hairylegs and dun1urkin and lilymayviolet

My DH did. Ten years ago he was in his 30s and some would say that was that....leopard's spots and all that.

But no...he has changed a lot. He used to drink too much....he doesn't now and has not for about 5 years....the drinking made him terribly bad tempered. His diet was awful and now he's one of the healthiest people I know.

He was never as reasonable as he now is either....he was very self centered....not anymore.

It strikes me that most of the changes described are changes in behaviour.

I'll send you a link to something that really helped me

OP can you get out for a 20 minutes walk each day this week? It would be a start

People can change, but it seems to require a strong trigger/motivator. I've changed dramatically since my dad died and I took responsibility for mum, I got seriously financially and personally screwed over twice, found out there's a reason I had a hard childhood and became a parent within 18m.

I'm a lot more confident, discovered my passion for a future career, and I'm very responsible. I don't stress much any more. I used to be a chronically disorganised directionless basket case.

"D"B otoh simply became more obviously what he always was.

I have changed, I did a lot of soul searching and therapy. When I stopped seeing myself as a helpless victim whom everything happened to, and realised the part I was playing in it all, ie I began to take some personal responsibility, I began to change.

People can change but it's like the old lightbulb joke.

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one but the lightbulb must really want to change.

(Boom Boom)

thanks for all this hairy et al, please send link, thanks.