To have shared 50/50 custody

[PinkTardis]

I don't think I am but it's causing such a rift now in my family I need to know if I'm missing something?
I'll try not to drip feed so If any things irrelevant just ignore

I have 2 dcs - first is irrelevant as she doesn't view exh as dad and made the choice to not go etc.

Ds is 2 goes to his dad's wed teatime until 9am sat and then the second week he stays till after tea on sat. If either has appointments/weddings etc or holidays we are flexible and Xmas I have Xmas eve and then till 2.30 Xmas day birthdays we Alternate

We where married for a few weeks off two years and have been separated for just over a year , divorce is finalised and I've now got a new partner. As far as I'm aware ex is single.

Everything between exh and I is amicable , we can hold a conversation when I drop ds off ( this used to be hard at first but I'm at peace with everything now)

Exh left me - very sudden and unexpected we never argued or anything , he citied in the papers me working full time ( he worked as little as possible so someone had to make the short fall!)

Very soon after he asked for the divorce he handed the keys back for the house and it was repossessed ( I was aware of no debt etc) this is relevant because my mam references it almost daily as him making us homeless.I had took my stuff anyway and had moved into my sisters and no way could I have afforded bills at the time on my own.

A month ago I moved to be closer to dp, he lives an hour away, because of me choosing to move and exh not driving I said I'd happily pick up ds on a Saturday everyone and most Wednesday's I'd drop him off but sometimes I ask him to meet me half way - which he does no problem and without grumble. When I drop him off on a Wednesday I get to see friends and family so I'm in the area so why would I make him come thru to get him when it would take around 2 hours each way on public transport ? This is another major issue I have with my parents - me being exhs 'taxi service' as far as I'm concerned I'm benefitting my son.

Ex pays a small amount £20 a week which to be honest I don't need and as he has him 3 nights I feel it's not needed so i put it into a savings account. If I text and say he needs new trainers etc depending on his financial postition will either pay in full for them or give me half, he payed towards passport etc after I mentioned it also - so I have no issues with him not providing.

I worked around 50 hour weeks when we where married ( no choice - he didn't want to but food needed to be on the table and we both had minimum wage jobs) because of this he was always dss main parent for lack of a better phrase. I had no bond with ds I had post natal depression and I returned to work when he was 2 months old

I feel that is a key point - why would I suddenly take ds away from his security of his dad? It would for me have been simply nasty to do that to ex and also ds.

Since we split I took time off work and spent good time with ds and have a much stronger bond now finally and in general my life is in the right direction - dp respects exh and he agrees with me that it's only fair he sees his dad frequently.

My close friends are all on my side ( don't know if it's just out of loyalty tho) so why are my family so dead against it?
A hand full of comments that I get regular are:
*What kind of mother hands her kid over for half the week - you may as well relinquish your rights to him
*do you actually have your son this week?
*i will never forgive you
*he should be going one night maximum

• your an idiot - everyone agrees that you should have fought him at court

I know ds is loved v much by his paternal family, I know he wants for nothing, yes he may choose when he's older to live with him but I'd rather that then him grow up and hate me from keeping his dad away. Yes when we split up we where both angry and his actions were not ideal but I honestly do not care about that now.

If you read all of that then we'll done. I'm happy to be told Ibu but if your going to tell me this please tell me why?

It's a pleasure to read about someone and their ex doing the right thing for their child. Well done! You will be doing your child a huge good thing.

My friend's parents chipped and sniped at my friend's exH until he stopped coming to see his son (my friend had to move in with her parents). The boy is now 16 and hasn't had contact with his dad for over a decade. The father is wishy washy anyway, but the grandparents criticism was the straw that broke the back. It's much better if people can be mature and look after the child's best interests.

You were the main wage earner and didn't know the mortgage wasn't being paid?

I'm the main earner too Bonkers (just!) but wouldn't know either. Husband pays the mortgage, I pay everything else..

I don't think he hadn't been paying it - I think he decided when the relationship was over to just get a lot of credit and go bankrupt, putting that into place before he asked for the divorce. ( he had one loan when we where together no way could he have gone bankrupt just off that)

Yes I was the main earner I transferred 80% of my monthly wage to him for all the direct debits. House was bought in solely his name as I wasn't employed when we bought it in named on the deeds etc tho. My savings paid half the deposit his family paid the other half.

Good grief of course YANBU! If I ever split from DH I would EXPECT 50/50.

Sounds lovely OP, your DS gets what's best for him and you and your ex work well parenting together.

I think you have created the best possible thing for DS in this situation. Believe me the stress of bad coparenting is crippling and impact very much on new relationships.

On the house side I don't really blame him for handing in the keys if you had already moved out.

Definitely think about school/nursery and have a chat with ex as to what he thinks. It's good to get plans laid now, even having a look around school open nights together nearer the time

Don't have anything clever to add, but just to say this is the most R AIBU I have ever read and I think you're both parenting brilliantly.

Well done!!!

(sorry if that sounds patronizing!)

Hi Pinktardis

I am in a similar situation to you, my sons dad and I seperated a year and a half ago, it was a mutual split and is better for us and our son that we are not together. At first dad was seeing him twice a week and once we all got settled in our new homes we sat down and spoke about how was best to parent our son together without being a couple. My ex suggested 50/50 and at first I was dead against it. The thought of being away from my son for that long killed me. After a good think and a chat with family I decided we should give it a shot. 18 months down the line I now realise it was the best thing for us all. Our son who is almost 6 gets to spend equal time with us both which personally I think at this age is the best thing a child needs. In time I also realised I quite liked the time I got when he was at his dads. That may sound awfully selfish but I get the best of both worlds, I get to be mummy and I also get a few days to be me!

My family and his have been really supportive which has helped. We try and stay flexible. In fact at the end of this month our son has a family holiday in Spain for a week with dad and grand parents then in August we are away for a weeks holiday. We are both aware that this set up may not last forever as when our son gets older he may not want the time away from home or may not be suitable when school gets serious. However at the moment we are all happy especially our son. I love the fact that I can say I am a single woman but not a single Mum (not that there is anything at all wrong with that).

You do whats right for your child not anyone else

You sound the best sort of mother- the one who actually puts the child first.
I think it should always be 50/50 if circumstances permit and then the child had a proper home with both parents and feels loved and secure.

I have been very shocked on a few recent step parenting thread where the OP has her own children and joint children and then step children. She clearly doesn't see the step child as an equal part of the family- to her they are an occasional visitor. They are then surprised that the step child is 'difficult'.
It is no surprise to me that they are very jealous when the step siblings and half siblings have the father all the time, are proper members of the family and yet they are merely a visitor. I get shouted at if I say this and am told - 'they have a proper home and family with their mother' as if this should be enough for them!

YADNBU

I think anyone who can come to an amicable arrangement about children and finances should be applauded! Your family are coming across as being more unhappy with your ex than you are.

I would try and come up with a set answer for any such comments. E.g. "Ex, DS and I are all really happy with the solution we've come up with. Thank you for your comment" and then move the conversation along.

Yes you seem to be handling it well, pretty much the ideal isn't if? My only concern was you can't have been with your new partner long and it's pretty early days to be moving yourself and two kids an hour away to be closer to him. It's great that it's working out now, but as your DS gets older and goes to school I don't see how the arrangement you have at present can be accommodated, or how you'll come to an arrangement where the same level of contact is maintained.

It sounds like you are a wonderful Mum. I was in similar situation and my family did not understand how DEXH and I were such good friends. When they gave me a hard time my response was always .. "because that is what's best for DD".

Just try to ignore them and carry on doing what is best for you and your DC :)

Well done OP. The holy grail of separated parents doing a good job for the sake of their child. So bloody rare to hear about.

As for your family. They are disgraceful for making a good situation complicated. It's really none if their business.

I have a similar situation with my exh my 2 older children spend Wednesday morning to Saturday evening with him. This has been the case for the last 10 years so it can work in the long term, the practical things like making sure PE kits are in the right place at the right time etc. need careful co-ordination and I'm surprised I still have a tongue considering how often I bite it. Until I remarried we used to spend Christmas together and we still do everything possible to spend birthdays, parties etc. "as a family".

It took a lot of hard work but my parents were the opposite and didn't speak for 16 years when they divorced and I couldn't stand the thought of my kids not having their dad at their special occasions or school plays etc. because we couldn't be civil to each other.

With that said I always get the impression (mostly from other mums at school) that I can't really care about my kids that much if I'm prepared to let them go to their dad 50% of the time. But despite it being difficult (we'd still be together if we'd have got on I suppose) I've watched my children grow up with confidence that both their parents love them and want them equally.