different parenting styles/ agendas?

[ezcargot]

AIBU to think it's bloody difficult to enforce consistency in these situations?

My DP and I have pretty similar views on behaviour, unfortunately his ex is totally on a different page. She lets their DC get away with doing nothing, eating crap, watching tv all the time etc. Then when they come to DPs if he tries to enforce rules they get upset. At mine if I ask them to pick up toys they say I can do it for them!

She also makes them quite dependant on her, often they are crying and upset when they're dropped off because they don't want to come (which I think she probably encourages) and then every time they're asked to do anything they don't like they want to go home.

I feel for my DP, the constant can we go home / we miss our mom is pretty horrible for him to hear. He and his Ex have been split for over 2 years so it's not like this is really recent and they're just getting used to the changes.

I think you are underestimating the impact having you around judging their behaviour is having. Or the impact you have on their lives.

Their parents split up, within weeks he is seeing someone else. Within months, they meet her and (as kids see it) have to share their dad. This new woman also gets involved in telling them what to do. Which is entirely new to their way of living. It's a lot to take in for kids.

And you shouldn't be speaking to or about the mother at all. It's for your do to handle.

No I wasn't the OW. Gotta love how that's always assumed. I didn't meet him until several months after they split, and like I said earlier, we waited a long time before introducing me to the DC. So it's not loads of change or a few weeks. Their mom also has a new partner who she's been with a similar time.

As for telling them what to do, I just ask them to pick up, tidy up (just like I would with any children coming to my house). I'm not trying to be a harsh disciplinarian or anything.

Do you have children of your own OP? It sounds like you maybe don't have a great deal of experience of dealing with young children. Surely you can se how difficult and disruptive the whole situation has been for them?

You need to try and fall in love with these children. Try to be the kind and fun one. Kids are smart they know if they are liked and wanted. Sounds like they didn't have the best relationship to start with, and now it is being forced. Poor babies, you need approach this situation differently if you want different results.

I don't really get this, OP. If they only come to your house occasionally, as you've said, then the dynamic is more 'beloved and very much welcome guests at the home of dad's girlfriend' rather than 'part time resident in home of stepmum' - which was the impression given by your opening post. Why if they are only in your home every now and then do you feel any need to enforce any rules?! surely for the sake of a good relationship with your boyfriend's kids you can suck this up/bite your tongue when they visit you? As for what happens at their dad's, surely that's up to him. 1.5yrs is no time at all to these kids, they are coping with what will be to them a horrible situation, so cutting them a bit of slack is surely not going to kill you is it. Unless they're causing damage to your home or person then I don't see a big issue here frankly.
And of course they miss their mum!! That's what kids DO.

Have you read how to talk so children will listen? I think it would really help.

Don't you think you are expecting too much on the stepchildren?. You don't even live with their dad, you see them perhaps once a week. It's really not for you to comment on their parenting. Actually nothing about their mum says bad parent. Ok she may let them watch too much tv, I mean really if that's the only complaint then it's nothing compared to some step-parents who are dealing with their stepchildren being neglected and abused at home with their mum. Lots of parents have different ideals and there is nothing to say you are right and she is wrong. If I had my ex's partner wanting to tell me how I parent wrong when she did not even live with the children, I would not listen either! In fact I would be telling her where to go!

The children clearly love their mum so I would watch how you come across.

At this point I would step back completely, support your partner but leave the kids to him. He needs to find some sort of common ground with the ex on expectations and discipline.

I don't know much about step parenting, but as a child I used to love spending time with my Granny, even though she was quite old fashioned and strict. I knew she adored me and she would spend time with me doing things together. Even though she was strict she was extremely kind and nice to me. We always had a lot of fun. Of course it helps I was keen on the sort of things she liked doing too, like cooking and gardening and playing board games. So I think kids can adapt to stricter rules in a place they feel very secure and loved, and it is still fun.

They only come every couple of weeks for a few hours but it's all so difficult and problematic?

I think you're not used to kids and are exaggerating the issues. Normal child behaviour is often criticised and misunderstood by those who are not yet parents themselves.

You say it was a long time after before you were introduced. The split happened two years ago, you've been seeing the children for 18 months, is that right? That is not a long time.

You're not a step parent, you're their Dad's girlfriend. Stop being so critical, it really isn't your place. Also sounds as though there's nothing you and your DP like more than slagging his ex off. How very bonding for you both . You can be quite sure that you know very little of what went on in their relationship and she will be seeing you and your opinion is utterly irrelevant.

I've no direct experience but have witnessed a 7 year old lad with monthly weekend visits with his granddad and step grandmother and their kids. It later became permanent fostering. Their parenting I feel is a great example, whereas the lad's mother's parenting skills were practically non-existent.

In this case the lad knew that in their house, their rules applied, and he learnt to go with it (well, no worse than any 7 year old). I'm sure it was completely different from the neglect at home with mum, but consistency from granddad and S-grandmother was more important than them being consistent with his mother.

Keep working on it, support your DP, be resolutely polite about their mum and civil to her and do pick your battles.

I see them once a week at most, so I'm not always there

I think that's quite a lot! Especially if they are only with him 2/3 days a week. Why cant you see him when they arent there? Theyre clearly not quite settled yet if they are crying to go home! You need to back off and let DP parent his DC by himself until they have all settled into it. Then you re-introduce yourself back in. Gradually.

Also they don't stay at mine, just visit, like I'm sure they visit other people's houses when they're with their mom.

visiting their mum's friends/family is a completely different dynamic than visiting their dad's (or mum's) partner's house. Because their parent has a vested interest in keeping their partner happy and it makes you like an extra parent who isnt actually their parent, but with an authority their mum's friend isnt granted. It just isnt the same to compare the two.

Focusing on differing parenting styles and consistency, children are usually very good about adapting to different rules in different situations as it is something they will experience everyday (the rules are school are different to the ones at home, grandparents have different rules, the childminder has different rules, behaviour in a restaurant is different from behaviour in the park etc.).
Obviously, in an ideal world, it would be helpful to have a united approach to child rearing and for everyone involved in caring for a child to liaise about how best to deal with different situations but sometimes that is not possible - in which case just try being consistent in your own home and be clear how you expect the children to behave while they are with you, their mum can run her house her way.

" Also they don't stay at mine, just visit, like I'm sure they visit other people's houses when they're with their mom. "

so they are visitors to your house then...
Do you make visitors tidy up usually?

so they are visitors to your house then...
Do you make visitors tidy up usually?

I would imagine not, this is my point about the dynamic being different when it is a parent's girlfriend/boyfriend. They will usually be granted or assume more authority than a parent's friend would when you visit their house.

So they split over 2 years ago? How long? Because you met the 18 months ago yet started seeing dp months after they split and waited 'a long time ' before you met the kids?

Because that doesn't sound like a long time to me.

These children do not love with you. At your house they are visitors, which usually comes with different expectations. You talk about 'we don't just tell them off but we do have rules' . I am sorry but there is no we in this, he is their father and they are his kids. You aren't even their step mum.

These children do not live with you

My children tell their father's gf that they do 'nothing' or 'watch tv' when they are at home. I know because she helpfully suggested some activities. I suggested I'd let her get to know them better before judging her for falling for their lack of 'full story' answers. They're very manipulative, thry try to convince me their bedtime is later at their Dad's; that they leave clothes in their room. I do call them on it (as does their dad). But they still try it on.