To want to know what is wrong with me *possible triggers?

[Sinkingships]

Apoligies if this is in the wrong area but I don't have any real life friends to discuss this with and really need some advice.

The last few years have been very difficult. Among other things, I was raped and have dealt with over 2 years being relentlessly bullied and abused by people who were supposed to be helping me (social services).

Now I'm getting to the point where I really think I need to seek some help but I'm scared to go to a GP or other types of mental health service until I have an idea of what I'm asking for help with. I really don't want to go on medication and sometimes the nature of my problem is that I don't want to talk so I think if I just turn up and ask for general help i won't get very far. I have tried in the past and never went through with it properly as I didn't know what I was asking for. Sorry if I'm not explaining myself very well.

I know people on here are not experts but I'm wondering if anyone has experienced similar symptoms that might give me an idea what might be wrong?

I have frequent dreams about being raped or attacked and/or my children and other family members dying or being injured.

I either want to talk about my experiences for hours or not speak about it at all. I can go weeks without even thinking about it then spend several days crying constantly because I can't stop thinking about it.

When I do speak about it, I can't talk about it without becoming extremely distressed. I cry hysterically, hyperventilate, shake and feel sick.

I have extreme, over the top reactions to not very serious things sometimes.

Find it very difficult to make new friends because I feel I can't be honest with them about what has happened or they will hate me. I find it hard to be honest full stop as my feelings of guilt and shame are so overwhelming it makes it very difficult to tell the truth, hence why talking to professionals and even writing this is incredibly difficult. I feel like everyone will or is judging me.

I see reminders everywhere of what has happened and if I'm having a bad day it is like physical pain.

I've become adept at hiding things so I think if anyone who knew me in real life read this they would be shocked. I am good at appearing cheerful and happy on the outside. Aibu to just want the pain to stop and to know what is causing me to feel like this?

I haven't experienced anything similar but could it be PTSD?

If you think you'd be unable to talk to a GP about it could you write it all down and just hand over the letter in the appointment?

You have PTSD. You need to talk to a professional. You don't need to tell your GP anything other than:

I was raped.
I am struggling to cope.
Can you refer me for counselling?

Definitely sounds like Post-Traumatic Stress to me.

I think having someone to talk to about this would probably be a good idea. I'm sure your GP would refer you (you could write a letter to the GP about this rather than have to speak about it) or you could try Rape Crisis or find someone privately.

I hope you find some relief soon.

Do you have 'closure' on the rape, in terms of criminal charges/prosecution? Is that ongoing? Or have you not reported?

No need to answer if you don't want to

I'm so sorry for what happened. One idea might be to try Rape Crisis who could help with some counselling - they're a charity and you can just contact them yourself, no need to be referred or tell anyone like SS.

It does sound like PTSD. Another suggestion would be to contact Mind for info about mental health services which you could do anonymously.

"sometimes the nature of my problem is that I don't want to talk so I think if I just turn up and ask for general help i won't get very far"

This is very very common among trauma survivors. You don't have to be able to talk to benefit from therapy, you just need to go.

I have heard good things about EMDR but don't know myself how to get it.

I did report and the case was recently closed by the cps due to lack of evidence, which I expected to be honest as there wasn't much aside from his word against mine.

I hadn't really cried or gotten upset about it up until the day I gave my video interview and having to go through it in detail, I broke down crying.

It's like anything to do with the rape, and all the other traumatic stuff, is locked in a box inside my head and I can't open the box because I'm scared of what might come out. If I try, I go to pieces, sometimes for days or weeks at a time. Eventually I'll get back to normal but it's just easier to not even attempt to open the 'box' because I can't deal with the contents. If that makes any sense.

I have read about ptsd and thought it might be a possibility but I made the mistake of mentioning it to a now ex friend of mine and he completely shot me down, told me I was being ridiculous and I definately didn't have it, said that doctors won't be able to help me and that basically it's all my fault because I've made stupid decisions and brought it all on myself. So that really put me off doing anything about it.

It's definitely PTSD. PTSD is more common among rape victims than any other group of people (despite popular misperceptions that it's mostly service personnel who suffer from it). Do go to your GP and see if you can get a referral for either EMDR or trauma-focused CBT.

So sorry for what has happened to you.

And PS your friend is definitely not a friend. You're well shot of them.

I'm sorry your friend has been such an ignorant idiot and said such damaging things to you. He is wrong.

You aren't ridiculous. You almost certainly have PTSD. You can be helped. You can feel better than you do now.

Makes absolute sense about the box. When I started counselling I said I wasn't ready to look in it, I just needed to take it somewhere and have someone be with it with me.

I am so sorry for what your friend said. This kind of secondary wounding (harm caused by comments about your trauma) is very hurtful and can do real harm.

In the interim, whilst you find the right person to help, you might try Bach flower remedies - Rescue remedy taken three times a day, can be a support system. There are others that can help with grief and shame and humiliation. An accredited practitioner can make up a bottle that wil help you deal with bottled up emotions.

Thank you.

Buttonmoon, what he said was worse than I wrote here. My children don't live with me at the moment as a result of everything that has happened and he told me that if I went to the doctors about this it would be the final nail in my coffin and that SS would then see me as unsuitable forever and I would never see my kids again. He said the doctors would be obliged to share it with SS and that they would use it against me.

As if I was t terrified and grief stricken enough! So yeah, that pretty much killed my desire to talk to anyone about it but what he said just didn't add up. No idea why he would tell me that if it wasn't true but no, he isn't a friend and we no longer speak.

Sinkingships you might find this organisation helpful everydayvictimblaming.com/ However, please be very careful. They are extremely supportive of women and very understanding about how rape culture functions so that victims are blamed. However, many of the accounts on their website make very difficult reading.

if I went to the doctors about this it would be the final nail in my coffin and that SS would then see me as unsuitable forever and I would never see my kids again.

That's trying to put the blame onto you. This is not your fault. PP have made some very useful suggestions about where to get help - please do follow them up.

It sounds like PTSD to me.

I got PTSD as result of a minor sexual assault that had happened 10 years previously, so don't think that this is something that only happens in very extreme cases.