To ask for help and advice about my ds

[Desperatelyseekinghelpandadvic]

Name changed as very delicate. Will try to keep as brief as possible without leaving anything out.

Ds is nearly 21. A milestone in a child's life but, as he did on his 18th Birthday, he'll spend it alone in his room.

He was diagnosed with depression and anxiety 3 years ago. He was put on antidepressants, which he is still on. He gave up college soon after the diagnosis and with that went his friends, although he didn't have many friends anyway.

Background: He was absolutely fine until the age of 13/14 when he withdrew and became the typical lonely gamer. 'Normal teenage boy' is what we thought and what others told us. At that time he was still socialising within the nuclear and extended family so no alarm bells were ringing. 'He'll be fine when the hormones sort themselves out' we thought. That never happened and he withdrew more and more.

So, fast forward to now. Nearly 21. Spends pretty much all of his time in his room. He's doing one driving lesson a week. Rarely talks to us or his younger siblings. Is due another load of counselling but he keeps putting off calling 'will phone tomorrow'. I've looked into private counselling but it's expensive and why pay for it if he's not going to go, and not going to take their advice? He is supposedly doing a distance learning course but if I ask about he he says it's 'going ok'. I get the feeling he's not really doing it.

Personal hygiene not good. Only shaves before driving lesson but he doesn't do a good job. I buy his clothes..

Dh has tried so hard to help him. Offering him 'jobs' around the house - doing gardening, decorating etc for money but ds either says no or does such a rubbish job that dh doesn't ask him again.

We try to encourage him to get a part time job but get the 'will look tomorrow' answer. He uses his 'depression' card as an excuse to do nothing. I know people who suffer mental illness but they work, they push themselves and they manage to live a productive life.

So, all in all we're in a desperate situation. We have a 'man' living in our house that does nothing, pays nothing, upsets us and his siblings with his... miserableness (can't think of a better way to describe it). No one comes to our house. Extended family have retreated to the odd text or facebook message only. I don't blame them - this is a miserable depressing house! Dd1 is in college and looking to go as far away as possible to uni (don't blame her). Dd2 suffers as she can't have play dates here (would you want your child going to a house with a strange hermit man living there?) and she often flips out at ds when he ignores her or tells her to leave him alone. Only 2 of my friends know the situation, other friends have probably guessed but don't say anything. I put off seeing people in case the subject of ds comes up.

I feel guilty, powerless, embarrassed and utterly devastated. I've got my son but he's not my son. I care about him but don't feel the overwhelming love for him that I used to feel

Any help and advice much appreciated but please don't make me feel worse than I already do

Firstly stop tip toeing around him. Let your other children have playdates. Cut off his Internet. Insist if he's under your roof he does his fair share - if he does a crap job, make.him do it again.

Don't blame yourself.

A few months ago I could have written a very similar post about my 19 year old ds. He didn't leave his room, suffered from depression, dropped out of sixth form despite being on track for good A level results. Plus he didn't eat properly, slept erratically and seemed a complete mess. Dh and I were worried sick.

We faffed about for ages and then took a hardline approach and insisted he got a job. We did say we didn't care if it was paid or voluntary, as long as it got him out of the house and gave his life some structure.

He managed to get a job easily, despite no experience, and it has transformed his life. It's minimum wage, in a customer facing role, and he is loving it. He loves meeting people, which is amazing given that he has not spoken to anyone outside the family and a couple of close friends for months. He enjoys the routine and structure, so makes a real effort to get up and get to work, whereas before he wouldn't leave the house even to just sit in the garden for 5 minutes.

He has just been on holiday abroad with friends which was unthinkable even a few months ago. He is now talking about moving out to share a house with friends.

If you'd told me back in February that this would be the case, I wouldn't have believed you.

I'm not suggesting that getting a job is the cure for all teenagers with depression, but I am very glad we insisted that ds went down that route. I would urge you to get your ds to try to work or volunteer to see if that helps. There's nothing to lose.

Incidentally, I'm not clear why you're not allowing your younger dc to have friends round. our ds2 is very sociable, and has friends round all the time. They've always just accepted that ds2s brother prefers to be in his room, it's never been an issue.

Good luck, and hang in there.

DS is stuck in a negative cycle of behaviour which maintains the depression.

I am a psychiatrist and I often explain to people that the drugs alone will not work if you are in bed all day, having no exercise or social interaction. Psychological and social factors are important too.

A psychologist would suggest behavioural activation ie scheduling in a gradually increasing amount of activities. It has to start very modestly so that he can achieve it and not fail eg 5 min walk every day not straight to getting a job.

I think he needs a good CBT therapist and I would pay privately if needs be as it could be so key.

Of course he does need to engage and want to change. It's interesting he is motivated to learn to drive. Could you use the birthday as a chance to talk to him properly? Buy him therapy (must be CBT not just counselling) as a 21st present.

If he wants to learn to drive that suggests some motivation. Will he talk to you about his goals, where he sees himself in future and how to get there. If he won't talk write him a letter.

I don't think you should just give him an ultimatum to leave or switch off the internet. Ideally you would negotiate some boundaries with him on that. Talk to him about what you could do to help him achieve his goals and your concerns about gaming not helping him and try to agree a limit. You want him to know that you love him and care for him and that's why you will put limits in.

I don't really understand why your DD2 can't have play dates. Why are you punishing her?

If he never comes out of his room why is it a problem for visitors?

Read this and it sounded so much like my DB I had to post.
DB was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at about 14, he also had crippling OCD so was put on meds and like your DS withdrew from the world, he did terribly at school and would sleep all day then be up at night listening to music.
Mom and dad forced him into college to socialise him but he hated it, ended up in the wrong crowd and started smoking cannabis heavily (not relevant to your DS but it didn't help DB depression). He failed college then dad suggested he work for his friend which didn't go well.
Dad then got DB a job (he never got his own jobs) working nights in a factory which suited DB because it was a very antisocial job, but after a year or so he jacked it in because he couldn't be arsed and didn't need the money. At about 21, DB was very similar to your DS and it was really affecting my mom, she was working full time in a very stressful job only to come home to a sulking man child who didn't wash, didn't clean up after himself or do anything so she made the very drastic step of kicking him out. She came into some money so bought a small flat and moved all his stuff in then left him to it! They paid the mortgage until he got a job but mom said she felt so much better with him out of their house (his flat was in the next road).

I know that's not the answer for everyone but it has been the making of him. He works full time in a great job, has a fiance and is currently on holiday for 3 weeks backpacking around Vietnam etc. He bought the flat off my parents last year, did it up and sold it for a nice profit so has a deposit to find a new place. It took him a while of sitting in the flat surrounded by his own filth to get his act together and a lot of support from all of us (I found him the job this time round) but he's managing well now, he sees an NHS psychiatrist and takes regular meds still.

I fully agree with mamdoc and others. He really needs to find a reason to get out of the house everyday. A job, voluntary work, a course to go to (not online!), anything where he will have to be there at a cetain time and meet people.

There is nothing worse than having no structure to your day and no reason to get out of bed (even if you don't like that reason!) when you are depressed.

Having the opportunity to DO something and to meet people will help with his MH too.
Moving your body is very important, even if it's 5 mins walking around the block!

Finally, could you ask him to make a list of what he is doing and how he feels afterwards? I found that spending too much time on the internet (and MN!) can make me feel down so I am conscious to keep that to reasonable levels for example. Try and see what is detrimental and what is helping and ask him (force him gently) to do more for the 'good' positive things and less of the not so good ones.

And don't overanalyse what you should or shouldn't have done in the past! Your sadness is coming out very strongly from your OP and it's totally undrstandandable. But you need to remember that what is done is done. And what could happpen in the future (like your fear of suicide) hasn't happened!
Concentrate on the present and suporting him on a daily basis, pushing him out of his confort zone (but not too much) so he can regain some sense of reality is, and the pleasure to be alive and doing things.

Fwiw, I have been depressed too and in some ways, I am still prone to depression (ie if I was at home in my bedroom all day long like he is, I can promise you I woud just as depressed, if not more!). I just have learned to managed my life so I can keep all that bay.

An update for you all. Ds has got himself a part time job. He starts next week. I'm thrilled but worried he won't cope. It's in a fast food restaurant so will probably be full on hectic. I'm keeping everything crossed that this is a turning point for him. Thanks again everyone, your advice and experiences helped so much. Wish him luck!

Good luck to him and your family. I have an understanding of what you are going through - we are in a similar situation!

That's great OP! And hectic is good! If you're kept busy you don't have time to think about negative things, I'm sure your DS will do great!

Sounds like his job will be full on hectic and very social and may well be the making of him.

Good luck to him, and you, OP!

You must be very worried about your son and it comes across that the whole family is affected by his illness. But you do sound very negative about him in your post and I wonder whether that is coming across to him? It doesn't sound as though you are fully understanding that he is ill abd it is unlikely that he is able to do the things you are asking of him? Is he on medication? It sounds as though he is so lacking in motivation that he isn't able to complete tasks or take steps to help himself. You do sound as though you are blaming him for not making enough effort - that has to stop, OP. I don't mean that too harshly but it doesn't matter how other people are affected by depressive illness - there are people who work and function socially, yes but there are also people at the other end of the scale who lose touch with reality, can't live independently and spend their lives in hospital settings. What matters is how your son is affected at the moment, not what anybody else is doing.

What I would suggest is that you talk to him - but for pity's sake don't focus on what you want him to do or wish he could do but on the fact that you are concerned about how he is feeling and that he deserves a better life, in which he can be happy. Reassure him that he is ill and can get better as many people have. Then offer to make the GP appointment for him and go along if he would like. You can ring the GP yourself and whilst they can't divulge any information they can listen to your concerns. They also can't tell him you phoned.

if he won't go to an appointment, then I would suggest you go by yourself. Find out what support is available to carers in your area. Perhaps they can help you to understand the illness? Some counselling for you might help with your feelings of guilt. You can't control what your son does, only what you do.

I urge you to ignore the "tough love" advice. It would be good advice for an adult son who is loafing about but not for one who is ill. You might as well ask him to walk on two broken legs. He isn't going to be able to because you take his internet away like a child - he's likely to feel humiliated which will worsen his mood, not motivate him. You might also be taking away something which is acting as a valuable distraction from negative thoughts and his only social contact. This is why you really need proper advice.

OP, when I was 23-24, I had ended up living with my parebts again. None of us get on and we were all bloody miserable. I was in and out of hospital, having dropped out of uni. Ten years on, I have been back to work, got married, had a family of my own. Don't give up on your son and above all, remember he is ill.

Well done to him. I hope it goes really well for him and is the start of a turnaround.

I'm sure you will anyway but do let him know that you are proud of him for achieving this. Maybe stick a good luck note under his door or in his wallet.

I've just seen your update, OP, that's great! Re-reading my post I think it may sound as though I mean you shouldn't push him at all. Definitely encourage him to get out and do things...what I mean is not that he should sit at home waiting for the drugs to work but that without effective medication many people with depression won't have the motivation or clarity of thought to engage with CBT etc or to help themselves. Definitely encourage him to do those things - show that you believe in him.

Try not to let him pick up on your fear that he won't cope with his job. If he doesn't, that doesn't mean he never will and he will gain something from having tried. The driving lessons could ve a great thing in givibg him a goal, helping him look to the future and building his confidence too.

Thanks everyone. Just going to interviews was a big step for him. He had a few over one week and each time he gained a little more confidence. We actually have one of these restaurant chains ten minutes walk from our house but the one he's working at is a bus ride away which I think is better as it's more daily interaction for him. Small steps. Fingers crossed.