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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am very cross. Mil has told ds I am pregnant.

52 replies

SweetCharlotteRose · 05/07/2015 17:22

I'm only 9 weeks. Ds is 6. I wanted him to hear it from us and not until I was a bit further on and had had my scan.
I wasn't there but apparently ds was asking for an ice lolly and she said something along the lines of (according to dh), 'you'll have to learn to wait a minute when mummy has her baby.'

We've been trying for this baby for three years. Aibu to have wanted to tell ds myself with dh?! I didn't want to make it a particularly big deal of it either as am aware ds has been an only for a long time and is not especially thrilled with the news. I wanted to frame it as 'our baby' not 'mummy's baby.'

Now ds knows earlier than I wanted him to and if something goes wrong I've now got the additional trauma of telling him about it and worrying how he will react.
I'm really really cross.

OP posts:
HoggleHoggle · 05/07/2015 18:05

Utterly not on for her to do that and I don't really see how it could be an 'accident'. It also was used as a punishment for your ds it seems - he was being impatient, well you can't do that when the baby comes, see how you like them apples. Horrible!

thefourgp · 05/07/2015 18:06

Your mil sounds a lot like my mum. I love her but she's got form for stealing my thunder and making family occasions all about her. I'm learning to make sure I don't tell her anything I want kept secret or make sure she's last to know any exciting news so I get the chance to tell others first. It sounds like you need to do the same thing. You have my sympathies. X Smile

kickassangel · 05/07/2015 18:06

I wouldn't bother having a confrontation. Just that next time there's any news, don't tell her. If/when she finds and and asks why, just say "we thought it best. As you can't help yourself, we thought it would help you if you just didn't know. This way you can avoid making a horrible mistake like last time."

And yes - right now, have a talk with DH and tell him that she's completely over the line and you have no intention of telling her anything ever again. IF he can't see why, then you'll have to say that you will be keeping secrets from him as well.

I think cross and annoyed doesn't even come close to how I'd feel. IF she really can't keep things quiet, like a child, then manage her like a child - just keep her out of the loop.

Floisme · 05/07/2015 18:14

I would be furious. But I don't agree that you should deal with this on your own. I assume your husband agrees she has completely overstepped the mark and I think you should both tell her together how angry and upset you are.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Andrewofgg · 05/07/2015 18:21

thefourgp We never told MIL anything we did not want the whole family to know immediately!

OP Flowers and all the best with DC2!

BackforGood · 05/07/2015 18:22

I understand you wanted to tell him yourself - although, as his reaction has shown, this is more of an issue for you than him. He's clearly very matter of fact bout it all / not that bothered at the moment.
However, if you don't want dc to know something, then don't tell people who are closely involved in their lives - things do come out / get over heard / people forget they have been told something in confidence.

It's done now though - tell her you are cross if you like, but what's to be gained? Not worth falling out over although may be worth considering who you tell secrets to / withhold secrets from, in future

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 05/07/2015 18:24

I'd be so angry. My niece found out when I was expecting dc3 and put it on facebook. I hadn't had a chance to tell my older sister or her family I was pregnant, but my other neice guessed I was and told her sister.

I felt so cheated and upset, and my dsis refused to tell her dd her behaviour had been awful, she was very much suck it up, it's done now. Rather like your dh and mil.

What she did was awful and the mean, petty, hurt part of me would make sure she is last to hear about the birth so she can't spoil you telling anyone else.

I'm glad DS is alright and hasn't been upset by the way the news was presented to him, hopefully he will adjust well before the baby arrives.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/07/2015 18:41

'Just slipped out' my arse!

I'd take SylvaniansAtEase's advice on how to proceed. With bells on.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 05/07/2015 18:45

You will have to learn not to tell mil stuff, my mum doesn't know stuff i don't want my kids to know

EponasWildDaughter · 05/07/2015 20:13

Why does it have to be OP who has to do the confronting?

If DH is as upset as you are (and he should be - even if it's just for your sake) then it should be his job to having words with his mother.

If the situation were reversed and it was your DM who had done something wrong no one would be expecting your DH to deal with her.

AyMamita · 05/07/2015 20:15

YANBU. I would be RAGING. Read the riot act and never tell her anything again!

LittlePoot · 05/07/2015 20:24

Echo all of the above - she was completely out of order and I can totally understand why you're so upset. But on the other hand, massive congratulations on your pregnancy! We're two years in trying for number 2 so lovely to hear you've made it after even longer (lovely you've made it, not lovely you had to try for so long, obviously). I hope all goes really smoothly and calmly for the rest of your pregnancy.

MammaTJ · 05/07/2015 20:44

I am going to be a Granny but it is very early days. I have a DD age 9 and a DS age 8 and have been sworn to secrecy even to them!

I was allowed to tell DP (step Dad to DD1) and the amount of times I have had to stop myself telling him something is unreal! I havestopped myself though!

They are going to be as excited as me when they find out they are going to be an auntie and uncle though! Grin

There really is no excuse, especially as it was a quite spiteful and negative comment in my view!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/07/2015 20:45

I'd not tell her anything again until ten minutes before you're ready to go public on it. That includes baby's arrival.

morethanpotatoprints · 05/07/2015 20:49

If she has form for not thinking why on earth did you tell her?
You knew she wouldn't be able to help herself.
Stand up to your dh, show him you mean business.

As for your ds tell him that granny tells lies. yes, eventually you will have a baby but it's ages away yet. let him know granny is a liar, see how she likes it.

CamelHump · 05/07/2015 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoyScout · 05/07/2015 20:55

I suggest you find out the sex and then deliberately not tell her.

CamelHump · 05/07/2015 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tangerineandturquoise · 05/07/2015 21:01
Flowers It is done- I suspect from the form of your MIL confronting her will create a drama you can do without. Others will find out you are pregnant because she will share her hurt feelings about it to all who ask about her sad face/sniffles/whatever she chooses to express her remorse or resentment. Also if your DH is not an only, then she will turn what you feel about her comments against you and claim she knows better.

You need to tell your DS grandma is wrong- that he doesn't have to change for the baby, but that sometimes you will be busy and would be really grateful if he can help. You can talk about the ways he can help-doing special big brother jobs and also sometimes you may need him to help if he can by waiting patiently

I found when DS became a big brother at around that age, he took a couple of weeks to adjust to not being the only child, but given space he enjoyed his new sibling very much and he could accommodate her explosion into his world. If you can keep on MILs good side until then, she may become invaluable at spoiling the little man.

elliejjtiny · 05/07/2015 21:12

YANBU. We didn't tell anyone I was pregnant with dc's 2-5 until we were ready to tell the other dc's for precisely this reason. Even then people managed to let things slip. I would let something slip about her, but then I'm a bit mean.

monkeymamma · 05/07/2015 22:20

Can I play devils advocate here? I think your worry over how ds will take the news is making you get mil's crime here a bit out of proportion. When you are keeping news a secret it is sometimes possible to let it slip out without thinking. Do you actually think she did it to steal your thunder? Or by accident? If the latter I think you need to let it go. A family rift is never nice and believe me when you have two you will be glad of mil's help!
As a recently-minted mum of two my advice would be to try not to get too worried about your ds's reaction. I felt SO guilty when my ds2 was born because ds1 was used to our full attention etc etc. honestly though, small children adjust so quickly. Ds1 can't remember a time when ds2 wasn't here and they just love each other. Having a sibling is a wonderful, wonderful gift. And being honest? Yes your ds will have to learn to be a bit more patient and wait for his ice lollys! Some adjustments to his behaviour won't be a bad thing necessarily (sorry!). So try to let go of the guilt and accept that the new baby WILL impact ds BUT it will be so worth it for him if it means he has a wee sister or brother to share Christmas, holidays, every day life with.
I also detect an element of you wanting to control the way this news reached your ds (totally understandable of course). Mil has accidentally derailed your plans but everything is going to be ok. Having two kids necessitates a bit of letting go of the reins and letting other people into your life to help out (in my experience).

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 06/07/2015 00:09

I think these things can totally slip out by accident, but I think you are totally right to be POed.

DoJo · 06/07/2015 00:21

I wanted to tell my son myself about his baby brother or sister, because I wanted to see his reaction, not because I was worried about it, wanted to control it or felt like he might take it badly. If someone had robbed me of the opportunity to tell him myself and see his face (and hear how adamant he was that it wasn't a good idea!) I would have been fucking livid.

SugarOnTop · 06/07/2015 00:38

sounds to me like mil is behaving in a passive aggressive manner with her deliberate leaking of news and then feigning helplessness and minimising the whole thing. what is her relationship with your ds like? if she's a game player (which it sounds like) then she could well be deliberately trying to get your ds worked up so she can dive into 'rescue' him, or wants him to feel negative about the new baby so she can 'favourite' him?

i've seen full blown narcs do worse and a lot more deviously so i'm always suspicious of people who refuse to acknowledge or accept responsibility for their fuck ups.

anyway, what did your dh say or do when it happened? ideally he should be dealing with his mothers actions.

AnUtterIdiot · 06/07/2015 01:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.