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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask for your advice/wisdom re wedding mania

16 replies

Andbreathe2016 · 05/07/2015 17:17

I am getting married next summer. I'm 32 and we've been together 10 years. We are having a service in my church, lunch in the pub next door until 3pm, and we have booked a local hall from 8pm onwards for drinks, nibbles and dancing. 90 of our 110 guests are within 15 mins of the church which is in a city centre, so we hope our plan is ok.

I'm already so nervous about the coming months - already having people ask me questions about the day makes me feel V self conscious eg. I didn't want an engagement ring which I've been asked frequently about (personally, I've always disliked the concept, but don't want to offend anyone by explaining this!), not wearing a traditional dress etc. I'm a private person and I'm not sure I will cope being the centre of attention.

I really really want to get married - how do I stop the nerves/drama creeping into my life for the next year? If you weren't really looking Forward to the reception bit, how did you manage those feelings?

I rationally know that no.one else is that bothered, but practical tips would be very welcome!

OP posts:

ollieplimsoles · 05/07/2015 17:23

Sounds like you have a lovely day planned op!

Based my my own experiences, just tell people what you have planned, I'm sure many people will ask why you are doing certain things and suggesting you do things differently, but its your wedding and you want it this way! Don't let people push you around!

Weddings can be stressful but only if you let people get to you. I hope you have a lovely day.

Drquin · 05/07/2015 17:29

Controversial idea - but would it help to get "married" sooner rather than later, with minimal guests and minimal luxuries / extras so you don't have the stress of worrying about that for the next year? Then plan the celebrations, knowing that most of the "centre of attention" bit has already passed.

Or keep chat to a minimum, and head off any questions in advance with "ooh, we're keeping that a surprise" or similar, so you shut down the conversation? Folk are (generally) just being nice in quizzing you about your plans, but it's stressful if you don't fancy talking about it.

On the day, you can arrange the day so you're as much or little centre of attention as you like. You don't need to walk down aisles or make speeches or do first dances if that's not you. fWIW I'd love a good celebration but I'd have no desire either to make anyone do a speech or dance!

Chottie · 05/07/2015 17:31

Your weddings plans sound lovely. Just bear in mind that your friends and family will be there to enjoy your special day. People ask questions because they are interested. Congratulations by the way

PrincessOfChina · 05/07/2015 17:40

I'll be honest, even if I was local I would be bemused by the lunch until 3pm then party starting at 8pm. Or is the plan that guests will hang out in the pub for a few hours afterwards? you know your guests though and they must all be fine with it or you wouldn't be planning it.

Just relax, and don't really talk about it with others for at least a year. It's ages away.

Jewels234 · 05/07/2015 17:44

You're going to have to come to terms with the fact that people are going to have opinions. Everyone is going to have opinions. You need to learn to ignore them. Sadly, the opinions won't stop.

Drowsybutawake · 05/07/2015 17:48

I felt a similar way to you OP, and I solved it by booking a venue 5 weeks in advance! But if you can't move the wedding forward, my advice is to really get the planning done now then forget about it. As pp says, people are asking about your plans because they are excited for you/polite and are almost definitely not judging! And in fact in my experience once the initial engagement excitement is over most people are quite happy to stop talking about other people's wedding plans. I certainly wish I had more friends like you.

If you are worried about the reception, I found it helped to have someone at the venue in charge of details so I knew I could relax and focus on chatting with guests. I think you might be surprised by how much you enjoy being at a party with all your favourite people, which is basically all a wedding is!

DansonslaCapucine · 05/07/2015 17:50

I dealt with it by getting married a few months after agreeing to get married.

I don't wear an engagement ring either.

Original poster

Andbreathe2016 · 05/07/2015 17:59

Thanks for your sane responses. Would love to move it forward but we have one close relative in America who needed enough notice for flights etc.

Going to plan it and then ignore it I think! (well, until the actual day!)

OP posts:

TeenAndTween · 05/07/2015 18:00

Bring your wedding forward. Is that really the earliest possible date? Can't you get all the same stuff for a Sat in Sept / Oct instead?

kennyp · 05/07/2015 18:03

those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind ... as people say re: weddings etc etc.

my eurgh mil is pressuring my bil's gf to have a hen do and an engagement party. purely for mil's entertainment (it's a long story). your wedding sounds lovely :O) have a brilliant day.

butterfly133 · 05/07/2015 18:35

can I ask what questions are bothering you - is it things like what you are wearing? I would hate that too, I would say "I'm not worried about putting on a show, I just want my guests to enjoy the day".

I am also wondering what happens between 3pm and 8pm. If invites are out already then is it possible that people are asking you that - in which case, fair question.

Original poster

Andbreathe2016 · 05/07/2015 18:45

I think it's feeling that my values are on display - e.g how swanky/religious/conventional it is. Rationally, I know I'll be surrounded by loved ones, but it's the stress of being the focal point. I really loathe the beast that some weddings have become, and am just wary of being part of that.

Invites are not out yet so it's not the timings we are being asked about about. we are booking and paying for hotels for out of town guests anyway. The idea is people can go home/to the hotel, change, freshen up, have a nap and then come for a more chilled evening party. We also have guests with small children who can take them home, do bed time, get a baby sitter and come out for a drink if they like. I know it's a bit.odd, but I'd like the church and part to be the focus, the 8pm thing is an optional after party!

OP posts:

butterfly133 · 05/07/2015 18:58

I am not sure if this is any help but....if I am at a wedding, it's someone I really care about, so I will know about their values anyway, ISWIM.

If you think some people will be judgemental about your choice of food or chairs, then I'd just say they need to get a life.

It sounds like you've organised this with care and consideration for your guests which is all that can be asked. I'm sure it will go well. The questions are probably interest rather than judgement - or politeness? some people like to talk about their chair dresses...

butterfly133 · 05/07/2015 18:59

PS you could always say "I'm not into wedding mania, let's not bother talking detail" and hopefully everyone will realise you're just saying "boring admin" - not making a comment on your future marriage.

Original poster

Andbreathe2016 · 05/07/2015 19:05

Ha! That's a very good point - I really don't want people thinking that DP is the issue!

OP posts:

butterfly133 · 05/07/2015 19:21

you can say it so it's very clear - "I'm not fussy about details, I just want to marry my wonderful DP and have you there" (pat said questioner on arm)

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