To think it's completely unacceptable for Dm to body shame Ds Dd

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Hello I have been very upset with my mother after a family visit yesterday.

When I was a teenager she would body's shame me, she would call me fat, porky and tubby. This led to me having an unhealthy relationship with food and subsequently led to be being overweight and then obese. I still am overweight .

Anyway dd has a pear body like me. We are very small built (I'm 5ft ds 4ft 10). Dd is 16 and a size 14-12. Anyway dm reads the celeb magazines and points at a picture of Taylor swift and says "don't you think she has amazing body and legs I bet all the boys love her."

Later on that day we went to Frankie and Benny's and dd orders burger and chips ( she normally eats well). Dm says how about a chicken salad? You looked like you've gained a few pounds. Ds looks very upset and I reassure her and tell dm not to start.

So dm moves on to ds who happens to be small like me and his father.

Anyways dss (also 15) came on the visit with us and he is very tall 6ft 1/2 and very thin. So dm says do you go to the gym with dss to ds. Ds doesn't go to gym but does play sports.

So dm says "going to the gym really pays off on how you look. You should go to the gym like dss."

So I take dm aside and say no more about weight, food exercise whatever.

Aibu to think that dm is outrageous to bodyshame my children. There is enough pressure already on teens without dm being horrible.

Do your children like going to see her? They are old enough to have a say.

I would be very reluctant to let my dd (14, petite, very slender, but with body image issues) anywhere near someone who made comments like that.

God, that's awful. What a way to make people feel crap about themselves! Most parents/grandparents I know do their level best to never make any comments about physical appearance like that, quite the opposite. They realise how vulnerable young people can be to these types of pressures. I'd have to say something to her to protect the children.

Same here Mistigri, they have enough to contend with without their families nagging them.

I categorically wouldn't let her anywhere near them.

YANBU at all.

Comments can have a lasting affect on people & I still remember something my grandmother said to be when I was about 10 that's made me pretty self conscious.

I think she won't change. Unfortunately there's a couple like this in my family. They are impossible to reason with and they are lethal to teen self esteem. They all have serious issues of their own.

What you can do is pull her up on it. Every single time, without fail. If she makes a comment about dd's weight you rip right back with, "and you're looking so much OLDER. Look, new wrinkles, and you look tired"

In the stunned silence that follows, you quietly point out that yes, what you said was very rude. And so was what she said. it's unacceptable to comment on other peoples weight, your Dd is healthy and fit and that constant comments about weight lead to eating disorders as well as being cruel.

You also need to communicate with your kids that you're aware of these awful comments and you're mad about them. Can you defuse it with them.. Play granny bingo - first one to get three shaming comments gets a prize...

I'm not even sure that being rude right back is enough. Hurtful remarks from people close to you are much more damaging than from others, and you can't unmake those remarks. I would give an ultimatum: no comments about food and exercise, or no contact.

My comment isn't about food. That's your problem. I want to say that your son will be taller than you. It's a medical fact that no son is ever shorter than his Mother.

She's being an idiot and you need to stand up for yourself and your DC,if she won't stop tell her you'll go NC!

People in my family,MUM and both older brothers were always obsessed with how I looked what size I was,how much I weighed when I was growing up.

I ended up being Anorexic from the age of 7 till I was 16,every single day I would make myself sick numerous times.

I'm very lucky I didn't die!

I'm no longer actively anorexic every single day of my life.But Anorexia never really leaves you.I've made myself sick every single year since I was 16.My husband and my older children and my ex husband know about the Anorexia when I was younger but they have no idea that it can still affect me know and I've not long turned 40 this year.

Please don't let the same illness be pushed on to any of your children or yourself,it's a bloody exhausting condition to live with.

Good Luck with your MUM,I really hope she see's sense and listens to you

YANBU

Skiptonlass - great ideas!

I think there's a double issue here - possibly even a triple. There's body shaming full stop. There's assuming that a Taylor Swift physique is realistic for someone not naturally inclined to that shape, and then there's linking it up to what boys like. Who cares? A girl raised to worry about that kind of thing has all kinds of issues in store.

I am impressed you didn't slap her. I'd be keeping her away from the children and explaining why.

She sounds incredibly dull and tedious.

Lifes too short for chicken fucking salad.

I amazed you kept your temper.

I grew up with body shamers in the family. I am naturally stocky / busty but with an hourglass shape. Even when slim, I have to be careful with outfit choices or I can look pretty chunky. The girls in the magazines sure didn't look like me.

The outcome of all the body shaming was that I didn't wear clothes that I bloody well did have the figure for, because I thought I was fat. I spent from age 14 - 22 as a size 8 who thought she was fat and had some fairly disordered eating as a result.

It took illness and medication that made me gain weight, look awful and fuck up my metabolism for almost 2 years to get me to the point where I can look at myself without being hypercritical. I am still a little bitter that I didn't get to enjoy the period where I was young and gorgeous, as I spent it thinking I was a big old lump

Sorry, that was an essay. I just wish people like this would realise the amount of harm they can do at a time when young people are particularly vulnerable to that type of criticism. Ironically my body shamer had experienced the same thing growing up and to this day either over-eats and is on one or other extreme diet

I would be inclined to take her to one side and say certain subjects are off the menu (excuse pun).

Yanbu. Mine did similar to me but has only once tried it with my dd. and in our case nothing to do with health, just another way to criticise everyone around her. I grew up believing my body was hideous and I made it quite clear that over my dead body would dd ever feel that way.
I think the only thing you can do is bluntly tell your mum the damage she did you and that you won't allow your kids to feel the same. And tell your kids healthy and confident are the 2 things that make a persons physiche attractive, not whether you're naturally bigger or smaller