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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go to a surprise meal but not eat.

50 replies

BlinkieBill · 03/07/2015 17:04

We have been invited to a surprise meal in an Indian restaurant for a dear family member next week. However, it is at that time of night, I am usually quite unwell overnight. It is also far too late for my small children, who are also invited, to be eating.
I thought I might just have a starter so we aren't not eating.i want to go along for the person getting the surprise. I'm not bothered about the food. I also anticipate that we won't stay too late because of the kids.
The people organising the surprise are quite offended that we aren't planning on eating much or staying after 11pm. I think it isn't unreasonable to leave then or to not really eat much.
It is a everyone pays their own bill type of affair, putting in a little extra for the birthday boy's meal.
AIBU?

OP posts:

jelliebelly · 03/07/2015 17:46

Can you have a quiet word with the organisers? I can't see the birthday boy enjoying himself to be honest!

lljkk · 03/07/2015 17:47

Birthday-person doesn't like spicy food??
That's a hoot, maybe I'd like to stay and watch after all.
Does restaurant serve English food?

luckiestgirlintheworld · 03/07/2015 17:51

This seems very simple to me. Get a babysitter for the kids. And then just order a starter as a main course and make it last. No one will even notice what you ordered.

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/07/2015 17:51

What on earth are they thinking going that late.

I think anyone's going to feel like crap eating that late. and the morning after.....

normally I'd suggest a baby sitter and if it was just a few drinks I'd go. but no way could I eat and be sociable after not eating for hours in order to have room for a big meal at that time. of night

so id probably not go and usually I say go

honeyroar · 03/07/2015 17:52

It all sounds rather badly though out!

I think your plan of just going with the kids, being there for the surprise and the starters, having a drink etc, will be perfect. You've made the effort. Nobody could expect you to sit there for hours with two tiny children at that kind of night. I think it's impressive you've not said an outright no!

Original poster

BlinkieBill · 03/07/2015 17:57

Yeah, the same lot also decided the same kind of evening was perfect for a first birthday party.

OP posts:

Clutterbugsmum · 03/07/2015 18:00

^The whole restaurant is being used for the party.
I'm not entirely sure that it has been thought out carefully by the birthday boy's kids. He gets terrible indigestion and has Crohn's disease so usually avoids eating late at night and spicy food.^ Sounds like the person/people organizing the party are doing what they like rather what would suit the person whose surprise it is.

WhyTheDrama · 03/07/2015 18:04

You can always get non spicy food can't you? Chicken tikka and some rice?!

TheRealMaryMillington · 03/07/2015 19:18

They are not the most thoughtful party organisers then

I would go and order and eat what only what you want, but try to stay and enjoy the company and drink wine

I don't see why what you eat, or not, should be a problem for anyone else

SolidGoldBrass · 03/07/2015 19:30

Given that it is a restaurant run by family members and the whole place is booked out by your family, then it's less unreasonable for you to take up space and not order food. Though it strikes me as a little odd that they are not just doing a per-person discount rate for the whole night...

Anyway, are there going to be other young children there? If yours are the only ones it might be better to leave them at home, but if it's a 'family' event where there are loads of little cousins and a kind of collective-parenting vibe going on then it should be OK.

However, if this was a restaurant that was run by people nothing to do with the birthday family and open to the general public at the same time you would be VVVU to turn up with tired grumpy kids, clutter the place up with a buggy and not even eat anything.

petalunicorn · 03/07/2015 21:26

How will you stop a 1 and 3 year old going to sleep at the usual time? I get staying up late at a wedding, the whole day is weird, but this is night time only. Will you let them go to sleep then wake them up

CrapBag · 03/07/2015 21:30

So this surprise is purely for the benefits of the organisers given its the exact thing they love doing.

YANBU. Do what is right for you and your family. The organisers are.

Original poster

BlinkieBill · 03/07/2015 23:16

To be honest, I think the venue has been chosen on the basis that there will be a discount given.
I have no idea why they want to eat so late.
With regards to the sleeping, the younger one could and probably will fall asleep in her buggy. He sleeps anywhere and is easily transferred between pram, car seat and cot.
The older one is terrible to get to sleep, always has been. She will most likely try to stay awake - afraid she misses something.
She is like this at evening functions we have attend in the past. She will be grumpy as hell in the morning but the life and soul of the party at night. not really looking forward to her teenage years going by this behaviour
I spoke to other members of the family who think our plans are fine. In fact, an auntie who was saying her daughter couldn't figure out what to do with her kids, might do the same.
Of course, there is also the possibility that Dh or I may fall asleep as we are quite sleep deprived!

OP posts:

Talismania · 04/07/2015 01:49

Id have a starter as my main course. I do that all the time and never had a comment on it

esiotrot2015 · 04/07/2015 07:52

I'd leave dh at home with the kids and go have fun !!
If it's your side of the family ?

Evabeaversprotege · 04/07/2015 08:39

Why do you get ill overnight?

Icimoi · 04/07/2015 08:59

Have you pointed out the issue with the birthday boy's Crohn's to the organisers? It sounds insane to organise a "surprise" celebration that you know will make him ill. In fact, they're surely going to have a major job just persuading him to go there?

Theycallmemellowjello · 04/07/2015 10:06

I don't think it's U to leave at 11 (presumably the restaurant will close by 12 anyway), especially with kids. But given that the meal is so late, are kids definitely welcome?

I think you are overthinking the food bit a little bit and actually don't really understand what your concern is. Dinner at 9 is not exactly a midnight feast or in any way unorthodox. Yes, it's late for children, but no one's forcing you to attend. If you're worried about indigestion with rich/spicy food, order something light or just don't eat everything on your plate - I'm sure you'll be able to find someone else at the table to help you out in finishing. Leaving after one course is rude, as is making a big show of not eating/ordering, and I'm not surprised the organisers are a bit annoyed about this.

sadwidow28 · 04/07/2015 17:54

Now we know more information, I think it is the party organisers who are being unreasonable. As I said, up-thread, my Mum wouldn't be able to manage a 9pm arrival for eating at 9.30pm. Two of my younger brothers had Chrons and if they were included then 7pm would have been an absolute cut-off point for starting to eat.

N.B I say had Chrons because they are both now deceased.

When the youngest one of these two brother lived with me for 2 years, I had to leave a slow-cooker on when I was working so that he could eat at a 'proper time' if I was delayed at work.

OP, do whatever you feel able to do to support the birthday boy if it goes ahead at 9pm. YANBU

I do hope that you and the birthday boy have a fabulous night - whatever is decided.

Talismania · 04/07/2015 18:40

Why do you get ill overnight?

I think it was a typo and she means she feels ill overnight if she eats that late. I do too.

dexter73 · 04/07/2015 19:31

If I eat rich or spicy food late at night I get a really upset stomach.

Original poster

BlinkieBill · 04/07/2015 20:30

Wasn't planning on making a big deal of just ordering a starter or leaving early. I'm planning to sit at the end and just slip away.
If I do eat later, I can be very sick during the night and not sleep very much. I understand that some people might not bat an eyelid at eating that late but must admit I would never have booked something that late myself.
It is being arranged that we will take our gran, the birthday boy's mum home as she too does want to miss it but is in her 90's and doesn't want to be out that late either.
Apparently it is now acceptable for us to leave "early" to take their gran home.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlinkieBill · 04/07/2015 20:31

Fat fingers. That should say doesn't -not does

OP posts:

RiverTam · 04/07/2015 20:35

I honestly wouldn't care about offending the organisers as they clearly don't care about making the birthday boy very ill . Is there really no one who can have a word and point out what a bad idea this is?

Anaffaquine · 04/07/2015 20:46

As someone with Crohn's, I wouldn't be eating at that time either. I think your suggestion sounds fine.
Does the baby have a bedtime bottle you could heat in the restaurant before you leave.perhaps change the children into pjs before going home too.

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