To expect BIL to pull himself together over death of dog

[LittleLionMansMummy]

We have pets. I get that people mourn their death and you can't put a timescale on it.

But last night I got a drunken call from bil, saying thanks very much for the tickets to see a show (for his 50th birthday) but that he doesn't feel he can leave the dog, who is now buried in the garden. We are supposed to be babysitting my nephews for the night.

By way of background, he overfed the dog for years. She was like an elephant and has had no quality of life for many years - just used to lie there grunting and groaning, struggled to get onto her feet etc. I was almost relieved when they had to put her to sleep about 3-4 weeks ago.

I told him he needs to find a way of moving on as he has two dc (6 and 8yo) to be a role model to and they need to see how to move on. That is his responsibility. Apparently he's spoken about building her a tomb etc!

Tbh I also feel like telling him to get a grip as far worse things happen in life. I am currently being made redundant and dh's father has cancer so we're sort of sick of the whole saga as we have rather enough to contend with. I know his response to the dog's death signifies a deeper issue and dsis is struggling to get through to him. Aibu to expect him to pull himself together?

Someone who is refusing to help themselves and seeks endless sympathy would strike me as an attention seeker. If your patience is wearing thin you may have to distance yourself, though you're very involved as he's married to your Dsis. Sometimes there's no helping someone like this until they realise themselves. grief is a strange thing and that's it, it's loss, the person (pet) is gone. Nothing you can do about it. He's really struggling but he sounds like he doesn't know what to do.
What do you intend to do, if anything?

I'm not sure that he can really claim to have loved the dog that much if he had so little regard for her health. And I would be seriously concerned about his job if he's taken a week off to grieve two or three weeks after the dog's death. IME people take less than that amount of time off even when close relatives such as parents die! I agree also that there's a major issue about his children and whether he is making this all about him rather than supporting them.

He probably does need an outside view about his behaviour, but it's not going to have any effect if it comes from you. Your DSis really does need to get him to a counsellor ASAP.

YABU, he sounds like he needs help not criticism and judgement, you have no idea how stuff feels for him.

Either work out a way to help or back off.

'OP doesn't sound at all like a heartless bitch - she just sounds like she has priorities.'

Yes, her priorities. Leave BIL to his own.

Hmm. I was coming on to say YABU from the thread title. Then I saw that he is obviously not mentally well in himself, and thought maybe YANBU.

And then I saw this vileness:
I also feel like telling him to get a grip as far worse things happen in life. I am currently being made redundant and dh's father has cancer so we're sort of sick of the whole saga as we have rather enough to contend with.

Gosh, you're compassionate, aren't you? I'm really sorry about what's going on for you, but someone else is still allowed to experience grief. It isn't appropriate to rate your problems and someone else's in this way because nobody actually knows which of you is suffering more and it's not a competition!

Why should he pull himself together? Because you can't stand someone else being upset when you're worse off??

That's harsh, Button: it sounds as if the OP is up to her eyes in her own worries and just can't cope with her BIL's as well. It can be very wearing always having to be the strong and tolerant member of the family: I see this with my SIL who has a DH with ongoing health issues and always seems to take a disproportionate share of the 'family work' (i.e. her rapidly declining mother) onto her shoulders because some of her siblings don't do their share. She looks knackered.

And people who refuse to get help can be exasperating when you are at the end of your own rope.

People on here have told me to back off. A bit unfair given that it was him who called me, drunk and sobbing down the phone. What should i have done, put the phone down and explained I'm minding my own business?

As for compassion, after 20 years of this pattern of behaviour I'm all out of it I'm afraid. I spoke gently to him on the phone, said i understood how sad and upset he still feels, and that he should sleep it off, talk it through with his wife and let me know what he decided to do about the show.

He handed the phone to my sister, who is very worried about his behaviour. I advised her to encourage him to go to his GP as there is obviously more going on here. So i have become involved because he involved me. Believe me, a phone call from a drunken sobbing man was the last thing i wanted to deal with last night and i believe i dealt with it compassionately.

Also what MehsMum said. This is not a competition for grief, i am merely stating that i currently have my own issues to deal with, important to my own family, and have neither the time nor the energy for placating a man who always has and always will put himself first.

I think it does sound like your BIL is depressed and you may wish to speak to your sister about encouraging him to speak to his GP so he get some support.

I can understand where you are coming from though OP, I too would find it hard dealing with BIL's grief for his dog when you are also presumably supporting your husband coming to terms with the sad news that he may lose his Father and for that reason you may wish to think about distancing yourself so you can prioritise any strength you have for supporting your DH and his Father. This would be for your BIL's benefit also so you don't risk your real feelings spilling over.

You can't ignore the drinking problem, that is very serious. It could be that proper medical help will allow him to improve his mental health enough to stop drinking, or he may need further help to stop. Don't get caught up in what is upsetting him, the problem is he can't cope with things as well as he needs to and is turning to alcohol for comfort.

I suppose it is annoying for people around him, but he does sound ill tbh. She needs to get him to see a GP for his drinking and possible depression.