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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be hurt / disappointed?

43 replies

mamaduckbone · 02/07/2015 19:59

I'm having a get together on Saturday for a 'big' birthday - quite casual, a picnic at local country park with cake and fizz. Invitations went out via text and Fbook a good couple of months ago.

So, all close family and quite a few friends are able to come...quite a few can't but it's a busy time of year and that's fine.

However, my oldest school friend, who lives locally, who I'm in fairly regular contact with (meet ups a few times a year, buy for each other's Dcs birthdays) and who is kind of like one of the family, has only just replied 2 days before to say she won't be coming. I've sent 2 or 3 texts chasing since she was the only person who hadn't responded and I finally texted today to ask if everything was ok since I still hadn't heard anything. AIBU to be pissed off that she clearly doesn't value our friendship enough to a) be there and b) bother to let me know?

I'm really bad at confrontation but really do feel like I need to say something about this. Should I? If so, what?

OP posts:

Original poster

mamaduckbone · 02/07/2015 21:19

Wow, winter I'd hate to see you on a bad day.

OP posts:

anotherdayanothersquabble · 02/07/2015 21:23

I have been ignoring friends for the past five months. I am pretending things are OK on the surface, not wanting to contact people I don't see every day as I don't want to pretend the last few months have been ok and as a result I have failed to respond to messages and probably pissed off a few people along the way. This might not be the case with your friend but give her the benefit of the doubt, you will feel less angry / disappointed. And have a fantastic birthday celebration with the friends who can make it while leaving a small place to feel sad your oldest friend can't make it for whatever reason.

Bakeoffcake · 02/07/2015 21:23

You've painted a very different picture of her in your second post, she doesn't sound like a very good friend at all, if she's constantly letting you down like that.

It must be very hurtful to be treated like this so if I were you I'd decide to cut contact with her.

msgrinch · 02/07/2015 21:33

yabu.

Raveismyera · 02/07/2015 21:39

Yanbu she sounds rude and careless. I hate people like this

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 02/07/2015 21:43

I think you're reading a different thread to me. There is no vitriol here, no nastiness, no-one even swore.
Are you always this touchy?

barbecue · 02/07/2015 21:45

A very insightful and sensitive post from anotherdayanothersquabble. I totally agree.

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 02/07/2015 21:45

she regularly cancels on you, so..... i dont think she's such a good friend - good friends dont treat you that way

Original poster

mamaduckbone · 02/07/2015 21:55

another day sorry to hear that. I've also been in that situation.
I don't think that is the case here, but you're right, I shouldn't assume.

OP posts:

anotherdayanothersquabble · 03/07/2015 00:34

LindyHemming · 03/07/2015 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teabagbeforemilk · 03/07/2015 07:47

Yabu, for me, because she has spent other significant birthdays with you. And you know she has become flaky. Either there is a reason she has become flaky and, if I were you I would be worried about her, or he is just flaky. If it's just how she is and it bothers you, you should have tackled it by now, accepted that's how she it, or backed away from the friendship.

I get that birthdays make you nostalgic, but they don't for many people.

Teabagbeforemilk · 03/07/2015 07:50

And there hasn't been any vitriol or putting you in your place. Unless there are posts missing from my feed.

Genuine question, are you quite sensitive in RL? I thinking maybe she has only told you now because she was worried that you would get upset. She still should have told you, but trying to think of reasons for the late notice

BitOutOfPractice · 03/07/2015 08:46

I haven't noticed any vitriol either though I did say you sounded like hard woork, which, in your OP you did. Your second post about her is so different from the OP though...I'm not sure why you're surprised she's flaked out on you to be honest

Have a lovely time and don't give her a second thought

And happy birthday

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 03/07/2015 13:48

See, this is why I have very few friends. I cut contact with people who treat me like the OP's "friend".

Or because like OP, you're a bit intense with people and are very harsh on them?
OP doesn't consider her friend at all, just "why won't she come to my party, does she not care enough, I'm so hurt, me me me". Whereas most people would say, hmm, obviously she has something else on/is dealing with something etc etc, never mind, we'll catch up another time.

The fact that OP sees nastiness and vitriol on a quiet and drama free thread suggests she leans to a dramatic and sensitive interpretation of people, and is rather OTT. Maybe her friend just doesn't want the drama?

googoodolly · 03/07/2015 14:38

It doesn't really sound like she thinks of you as a good friend anymore, tbh. It sucks when friendships fall apart but sometimes it's easier just to accept it than it is to force something that isn't there anymore.

My ex-best friend and I were close for years...met in kindergarten and were inseparable up until we went to university. Then we met new people and the friendship drifted and tbh I was heartbroken. I tried for too long to keep it going and now I just don't bother. It hurts but if she was interested, she'd make an effort, and she hasn't. She comes to the area but I never find out until afterwards so she obviously isn't interested in meeting up.

Maybe it's time to accept that this friendship has run its course.

googoodolly · 03/07/2015 14:40

Whereas most people would say, hmm, obviously she has something else on/is dealing with something etc etc, never mind, we'll catch up another time

Mostly true, but I think most people would be pretty pissed off to send out invitations to friends and then get ignored, and then see all further communication get ignored as well. That's a shitty way to treat someone. If you don't want to go/can't go/might not be able to go, the nice, polite thing to do is to reply saying that. Not to leave people hanging like this "friend" appears to have done.

humanstain · 03/07/2015 14:50

If you wanted nicey nicey maybe you should have posted in relationships .... Always expect a lashing in AIBU!

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