To throw my son out?

[Breakingpointnow]

He's 19 and my oldest. He did dreadfully in his GCSE's, then got an apprenticeship at a relatives company, despite not having good enough GCSE results, messed that up and is now working in a shop part time, a job that I got him through a friend. He will not do anything about getting a better job or going to college, he has all the time in the world apparently.

He's got a girlfriend who lives a couple of hours away and now it seems his sole aim in life is to see her as much as possible. So he's started going there in between his work days. When he is here he's tired and grumpy and although he does a little to help around the house is moody about it/has started being rude to me. He pays no rent, which was initially as he was helping with the younger DC so I could attend hospital appointments etc and some evening babysitting.

He was meant to get back from his girlfriends last night, which is usually around midnight. I waited up until 2am in case he didn't have a key and he didn't come back. I text and got no reply and have tried phoning this morning. No answer. He eventually text saying he'd decided to stay an extra couple of days as his girlfriend 'needed' him and he can't answer his phone.

I have also gone in his room this morning an found rizlas and lighters (where the younger DC could reach them) and letters from his girlfriend mentioning taking ketamine and 'getting fucked' (the drug kind, not the sex kind).

I am furious and devastated. This is fairly typical of his recent behaviour and all I ask is that he lets me know his plans, which he can't even be bothered to do. I am on the verge of throwing him out, but I feel like that's a terrible thing to do.

OP I think this has to be his very last chance. Don't speak to him as soon as he gets home. Sit down and have a conversation stating your concerns. Make so positive suggestions, Ask if there are any courses/jobs he does want, You can help him. But if he won't give you consideration of even sending a text to say he won't be home then he needs to look for somewhere else - and mean it.

I think people telling you to "man up and support your fucking child " while he takes ketamine are quite possibly on ketamine!! It can cause psychosis, and the group most at risk of death by ket are young men.

You sound a great mum at the end ofher ttether. If he wants to be treated like an adult he must act like one. Good luck x

To be honest I don't know the answer to your question but I think there are different elements of the problem to consider.

Your son is not a child, my parents were married and living in their own home at twenty. I know people who joined the police at 19, you can become a fire officer at 18 and obviously very many 19 year old soldiers served in Afghanistan. Your son is old enough to earn a living, look after himself and to behave with respect towards you. I think treating him like a child, ie waiting up for him to get home, is doing your son a disservice.

I think you should expect a decent rent off your son. I more or less left home at 18 but my sibling was expected to hand over a third of whatever his income was while they lived at home. How can your son afford to regularly travel so far and support himself while at his girlfriend's home, and buy drugs for that matter, on his wages? Do you give him extra cash? If he really understood how expensive life is maybe he would knuckle down a little more.

Your son hasn't suddenly become this person, he began studying for his GCSEs at 14. When did these problems begin? How much did the difficulties your other children suffer impact on his childhood? Did you find yourself having to let your son just get on with things while you cared for his siblings? Did your own health problems affect how much time and attention you could give your son? How did your son cope with the breakdown of his parents' marriage and subsequent divorce? I'm not seeking to blame anyone but if you can trace back and find what in his past led to his present behaviour you might be able to address it that way.

OP, he sounds selfish and childish, tell him he either has to pay his way or leave. That said, your behaviour sounds like you're enabling/encouraging this. He's 19; rude as it is, he can ignore your texts if he wants. He also has a right to expect privacy.

Someone up-thread suggested you don't admit you've read his letters so you 'don't lose the moral high-ground'. Eh? You've already lost it by reading them! Pretending otherwise won't help the situation.

Finally, whenever I hear someone describing Ketamine as 'a horse tranquilizer', I want to reach for my revolver. As true as that may be, it's also an anaesthetic for young babies, but it's never described as such, because that makes it sound so much more benign. Ignore the tabloid wailing and approach this with a level head.

Stop trying to control him and - equally - stop nannying him. He's a grown man and he needs to act like one.